Saturday, 18 June 2011

Trying again after a loss



Trying to conceive again after a loss is quite different to trying before the loss.  Whilst I now knew I could conceive, I felt this tremendous urgency to do so  again quickly.   This change in emotions was extraordinary to me.  A few years earlier I had been ambivalent about having children, and here I was, desperate to do so.  Once again, I blame hormones.  They have a lot to answer for.  They turned me into someone I didn’t recognise.  Every month was a disappointment.  Every month felt like a failure.  Every month I was reminded of what others do so easily, and what I couldn't.  I still felt hope though - although I was stressed and increasingly desperate, deep down I still felt, still believed, that it would happen.  And it was hope that helped me through. 

I was 39; time was of the essence.  And so our quest became scientific.  The internet held a wealth of information.  I learned so much, and I realised how little most women know about their bodies, beyond the basics.  I like learning new things, and I was fascinated by it all.  It gave me a feeling of control, in an area where really, I had no control at all.  But it was stressful.  I couldn’t focus on much else. I felt my mind had been taken over by an alien.  It seems so strange to me now, nine years later, that I felt like that.  I can remember it, but don't let myself feel it anymore.  Time heals.  Perhaps hormones change too.  I look back, I remember, but it is as if I'm looking back on someone else's life.

5 comments:

  1. I totally relate to this, too.

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  2. Funny how we all become infertility experts as we cannot stop reading and researching. I am now trying to convince myself that whatever happens, there is a happy life awaiting me. But just let me read a little bit more about IVF first...

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  3. As soon as I rather casually begin looking for something that I believe I'm ambivalent about (a book, some music, etc.) and then discover that it is almost or entirely impossible to get, I find myself obsessed with changing that. What do you mean, NO? An hour ago I didn't care—suddenly I'm a madwoman. I can only imagine how infertility plus hormones would have magnified these qualities in me, especially given such high emotional stakes.

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  4. So very true how our lives are shaped by forces that we don't fully understand! I've often stood in wonder (and frustration) at my hormones and the havoc they wreak. Thanks for this post...

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  5. Again, so very familiar & true!

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