I wobbled a bit today. My husband was going to meet up with a former work colleague, who now lives overseas. He visits every year or two, and always calls my husband to meet up. I don’t know him well, but that doesn’t usually bother me. This guy used to be my husband’s young workmate, he looked up to my husband, and I admit I occasionally wanted to take under my wing so I could spruce him up so he could find a woman!
But time has moved on, and he’s living overseas, married with two kids. And for some reason this morning, I felt old, barren and fat. And I couldn’t bear the thought of going and being polite about his two kids, meeting his young, fertile, no doubt slim wife. So I sent my husband alone.
I haven’t felt like that for a long time. With the benefit of years, I am so much better able to cope, and with the benefit of years, I am so much more in tune with myself, and my emotions.. And on reflection, I think my insecurity was/is related to a family issue that upset me, rather than my infertility. After all, I managed to spend Christmas Day with three kids running around, and had a good time.
Still, whilst it undeniably gets better, you do get the occasional slap in the face with a wet fish. I had mine this morning. By tonight, I’m determined it will be fried.