Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Wanted/unwanted



The body of a newborn baby was found yesterday.  It was in the back garden of a house in a lower socioeconomic suburb, found when a woman went out to hang her washing on the line.  There were immediate appeals for the mother to come forward, so she could get medical attention.  Today there are appeals for people to help – to notice a woman who may have been large, but seems to have suddenly lost weight in the last few days.  Wherever she is, I hope she is warm and safe.  A southerly blast is coming through from the Antarctic, and it is mighty cold outside.

I don’t really feel anything.  I mean, obviously I feel sad for the child.  I feel sad for the mother who was, probably, terrified and alone, unable to think her way through to a solution.  But terrible stories like this used to make me feel very upset; they used to evoke a yearning, making me want to go and adopt the child, and they used to make me feel so angry and frustrated that I couldn’t.  Now, though, I know that’s not going to happen.  I’m not in that space anymore.  I don’t think I’m hard or uncaring or cold.  I think I understand what I can and can’t do, and managing my emotions accordingly.

And the truth is, however many women there are who desperately want to be pregnant and give birth, there are others who desperately do not want to be pregnant or give birth.  And I have compassion for them too. 

8 comments:

  1. Such a sad story, and I am glad the mum is now in hospital getting the attention she needs. I actually said similar things as your post to my Mum the other day, when our IVF failed. I used to get upset at the 'unfairness' of how drunk and drug addled women seemed to pop out babies left right and centre, when I am unable to have one. I have recently come to the realisation that many of these woman would be envious of my sober, clean, safe life. I actually feel fortunate that infertility is my biggest demon, as there are (IMO) far worse things to suffer through.

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  2. I am still stuck in the bitter irony of being upset over women who do not deserve to be moms becoming pregnant without thought when so many really good women struggle so hard. As for the poor baby, I am so glad that most of the U.S. has Safe Haven laws where a woman can safely give up an unwanted baby with no questions asked.

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  3. It is quick to want to jump to conclusion that this woman didn't want her baby, but not knowing the facts changes it is difficult for me to judge. I do feel sadness whenever a baby passes away, but for some the life here on earth is darker for them. It use to get me upset as well when women in less fortunate position kept popping out babies, but now I think about the other side of it, does this woman really want this for her life and does she struggle on a daily basis because of this added responsibility. We, as humans, tend to think that others who get what we so desperately want are so lucky, but in truth that is not always the case.

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  4. This just makes me sad for everyone involved and sad for the poor child that never had a chance to grow and thrive.... Just sad!!!

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  5. I can relate to what you've written in this post. In the beginning of our IF journey, I used to bristle at so many things that I thought was "just wrong" and being that emotional was really taxing.

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  6. Shocking story. I think I understand what you're saying about not feeling that 'thing' anymore - I don't feel as tormented as I would have, even a few months ago, when hearing about these horrors. And horrors they are. But I mean that I don't feel personally distressed and am not immediately reacting by trying to relate it to my own desperation. Perhaps I'm in that next place too (or perhaps I've just completely exhausted all of those feelings).

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  7. It seems to me we don't hear as many of these stories as we used to, & if it's true, that's a good thing. I remember talking with my ob-gyn (post loss, during infertility) & he mentioned how he saw some people who would be great parents who wanted children & it just wasn't happening... and then others who were pregnant and for whom that pregnancy was clearly a burden. "You kind of wish you could mix things up a little," he said. Yep.

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  8. I understand how you are feeling or Not feeling these experiences now. I have gone through similar.Although when friends tell me they know of a child who needs help... it does open up a bit of pain to explain NO and here's why.
    I cant wait to downsize our house so that people will also see we dont have ROOM for kids Physically instead of just emotionally and health wise - that are invisible to them.

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