Thursday, 4 February 2016

Those unwanted reminders

Last night, I opened up Facebook, and saw photos of my friend’s sons, as her eldest headed off for his first day at high school. He is the same age (give or take a month) as my great-nephew. I was pregnant, briefly, at the same time as their mothers, 13 years ago.

I’m not often floored by photos, or stories. I actually love knowing or talking with these boys – though I know one much better than the other – and seeing them grow. Occasionally I think about the fact that we could have a son (or daughter) the same age. But that thought comes only as a theoretical reminder, and doesn't bring pain with it. I don't let it.

But for some reason last night - perhaps because it is on the eve of my wedding anniversary that my husband and I will today celebrate on our own - I was struck by what we could have had, and what we don’t. Emotionally, and completely unexpectedly, it bowled me over.

Though it will pass, too. This I know.

10 comments:

  1. I think that is how loss works, even years later. We spend most time fine, or okay, but then something happens and it seems to open the door where those emotions live and they tumble out towards us, as though they'd never left, as though those years had never happened. I think with something as big as this, as with other huge losses, the sheer size of the loss makes this happen when we don't expect it.

    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel the weight of your words and the pain in them. Sending some big hugs your way.

    I hope you manage to have a nice anniversary despite this unexpected kick in the teeth.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had (& blogged about) a similar reaction recently when I realized Malia Obama -- graduating high school this year -- is one month older than my daughter would have been. I think the milestones connected with those photos -- first day of high school, upcoming graduation -- have something to do with the strength of our emotional reactions. Not to mention your upcoming anniversary! Hope it's a good one, regardless of the reminder!

    ReplyDelete
  4. sending you big hugs from sLOVEnia.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hugs. Thoughts with you. I had a similar moment when visiting a friend on a day when the kids were off from school. It usually does not bother me when visiting with her and the kids. I enjoy them. But, sadness sneaks in every now and again. It is the way of grief. Hope once you re-honored the loss that you could peacefully let it go.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It will pass, but until it does, sending a hug.

    And congratulations on the wedding anniversary.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Echoing above. This will pass, but allow yourself to grieve. Thinking of you and sending love.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sorry that there was unexpected pain where you haven't allowed it before... but I echo everybody else that grief may become like a scar, covering the pain, but it's a wound that can inexplicably crack open with just the right conditions. I can understand how your anniversary combined with the children who are and those that could have been combined into that cracked scar. I hope for peace for you, and for you to have the space to feel those feels and acknowledge the loss, and that your anniversary can be a time of celebrating all the beauty and adventure that you have. So much love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. A late (((HUG))) from me, Mali.

    ReplyDelete