Monday, 29 August 2016

Memories ... still there ...

A week or so ago I had an MRI on my knee, to address the ongoing pain I have had since the accident when I broke my ankle, at a private facility where I have been a number of times; I’ve had two other MRIs there over the years, I now have my mammograms there, and it is also the centre where I had both my HSGs. The first was clear, and as happens quite frequently (anecdotally at least), I conceived only days afterwards. That pregnancy was my second ectopic pregnancy that required a number of interventions over a period of months, and afterwards I needed another HSG that showed both my tubes were now blocked. The blocked tubes meant that my fertility efforts (having already exhausted IVF and other options) were now definitively over. It was scheduled for my birthday, and I’d naively gone to the appointment (as I’ve gone to all appointments at this facility) alone.

Almost 13 years later, comfortable with my life without children, I still choose to sit on the opposite side of the waiting room as I did back in 2003, I still look at the corridor I walked down (and back) for those HSGs, and I still remember standing at the reception paying for the procedure afterwards, holding it together. Getting into the car to leave, even when everything has gone well, still reminds me of getting into the car that day, when I wasn’t so good at holding it together. It doesn’t hurt as much now, but I will always remember.



11 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you experienced this. It reminds me of an ill-fated appointment I naively went to alone on my birthday as well. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  2. Oh Mali. I'm so sorry. I dread going back to places where there was so much pain. It triggers the pain caused by the trauma. Even if it's not as sharp. Thinking of you.

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  3. Oy. Can I relate. The fertility clinic I went to was wonderful.. But it was a source of a lot of anxiety and fears. I'm so sorry you went through this.

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  4. This hit me in the feels today. Thinking about you and sending hugs!

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  5. Abiding with you. As I read your post, I could smell my own hallway. The sensations fade but never leave.

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  6. Hugs. Not an easy place to be. Memories linger. You grieve what is important to you. I'm sorry you had those feelings and memories return to you.

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  7. Hugs
    Muscle memory in our heart is sooooo strong.
    Sending extra love your way

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  8. Sending (((hugs))). I was so grateful the day my ob-gyn moved his office out of the hospital where I'd delivered my stillborn daughter & down the street to another building nearby. I still have to go to the hospital proper now & then, though, and it always brings back a flood of memories.

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  9. It's funny how spaces -- even when we use them for something else -- will always be a trigger. Glad you got through the appointment; anything you need to do to take back the space.

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  10. Oh, that is such a visceral memory. How can that not continue to trigger the thoughts of that day? Even if it's not as raw now, that moment can't not be one that sticks in your memory, such a pivotal time. I hope the echoes of that day didn't take too much from the day you had, unless that's what needed to be. Thinking of you, those trigger moments are so hard.

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  11. Totally feel for you Mali! There are certain places that are absolute triggers and even when I intellectually prepare myself for encountering them my heart still feels the emotions in all their complexity. As for ongoing knee/ankle pain, I hope the injuries and impact resolve for you quickly. Sending healing thoughts your way! xo

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