tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post2557128728390886288..comments2024-03-28T06:32:27.436+13:00Comments on No Kidding in NZ: Imagine ...Malihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-61466806072295292362012-10-02T10:26:39.184+13:002012-10-02T10:26:39.184+13:00I see you and am so so glad for your voice! As yo...I see you and am so so glad for your voice! As you know, I sit on the fence about next steps. But I have less doubts now that I can be happy with or without children. Just like many paths, I can shape them in different ways. <br /><br />I meant to comment earlier.. but post is helped me think that I need to write and document more the joy along my current path, not just the sad, wistful moments. thank you:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-9320898912766539482012-10-01T15:22:22.694+13:002012-10-01T15:22:22.694+13:00Really excellent post. You have the ability to wri...Really excellent post. You have the ability to write about these large issues so succinctly and beautifully. Nicolehttp://nicoleciomek.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-27531317435462805342012-09-15T02:30:05.225+12:002012-09-15T02:30:05.225+12:00Another though-provoking post that I appreciate. A...Another though-provoking post that I appreciate. A year ago I would have thrown that tantrum, shrugged and clicked away. Recently though, glimpses of that image of life without children has passed by. Maybe it's a beginning of acceptance if it comes to it. I wish to think so even though it hurts. marwilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14490542805154143307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-81046839173383563242012-09-13T01:23:49.311+12:002012-09-13T01:23:49.311+12:00Excellent post. I used to be a tantrum-throwing t...Excellent post. I used to be a tantrum-throwing toddler, too. I do wish more of the ALI community could imagine a happy life without children. Fieryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06477507213781894921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-73835359976213721052012-09-11T07:47:49.768+12:002012-09-11T07:47:49.768+12:00Great post Mali. I was in that place for a long t...Great post Mali. I was in that place for a long time where I couldn’t imagine our childless life being happy, even after we made the decision to live childless I think I was fighting with myself to embrace it. I am now learning to accept it and letting the happiness enter my life. I’m thankful for people like you that have shown me the way.This Path In Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02631355662172309547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-77729790383784525962012-09-11T01:34:01.192+12:002012-09-11T01:34:01.192+12:00Hi Mali, I am here not only to recognize this enli...Hi Mali, I am here not only to recognize this enlightening and thought-provoking post but also to give you thanks for your beautiful comment on my post the other day. It brought tears to my eyes. You said that you didn't know if your thoughts would help me; they did, very much so. Thank you for that. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suissehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12611974492044450702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-1635213582190836342012-09-10T13:36:45.635+12:002012-09-10T13:36:45.635+12:00Another fabulous & thought-provoking post. I t...Another fabulous & thought-provoking post. I think people find it hard to imagine something that is so totally outside their own experience, or to consciously break the mould. (I've seen it in other respects of life besides parenthood, but let's run with that example, lol.) It's much easier to imagine yourself with a baby (however you got him/her, through good old-fashioned ttc, IUI, IVF, donor gametes, adoption, etc.) than not, because motherhood is such an entrenched part of our society, our upbringing, our expectations. How many movies or TV shows do we see that feature happily childless/free protagonists? <br /><br />Which is why (to pick up on Cristy's theme -- and thank you for your kind words, Cristy!) it's so important for those of us who are living this life to talk &/or write about it, to show what's possible. The more of us who are "out there," the easier it will be for others to imagine that there is, in fact, another way to live life that is not better or worse than parenthood -- just different. loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-66511328859069864992012-09-09T07:02:53.477+12:002012-09-09T07:02:53.477+12:00I'm so glad you keep writing, keep talking abo...I'm so glad you keep writing, keep talking about "life after"! We are just starting our donor egg cycle (which is our last-chance-before) and I think the reason I feel relatively calm is because I have already made peace with the possibility that it might not give us a take-home baby. Sure, I hope it does. But if not? We will be sad and we will grieve, but we will be fine, even happy after all. Slackie O.https://www.blogger.com/profile/09051888932610194066noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-23983422855815031782012-09-08T23:14:05.241+12:002012-09-08T23:14:05.241+12:00I really love this post... all your posts actually...I really love this post... all your posts actually! They are right on the money. <br /><br />The imagination side of it - that is such a strong addiction to break! And you are on to something that I was trying to work out recently, about the 'guilt' or fear about where I am just now, and it's this insight: "because they feel that it in some ways it denies the struggle they ... no ... WE have been through?"<br /><br />I think in some ways, my moments of weakness concern this feeling. That I might be denying my own (very recent) struggle. I've felt that huge weight lift in the last week alone, but in a heartbeat, the weight makes itself known in that possibility of forgetting the struggle. And as it is a lonely, unaccepted-by-society path, I'm not surprised the weight returns. I'm sure I will be able to beat it down every time, but it helps to know what you're fighting exactly. <br /><br />Oh, and the other thing that I was fearful of imagining (back in the TTC days) was that I could be happy, with a whole bunch of friends and family who were happy with/for me. I think because the truth is that it is a bit of a lonely trek, and I hope that the more we all discuss it (including people out there who are hiding from it) then the reality could be a little nicer. <br /><br />Great post.Jenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18288266561592998739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-68464604641535860162012-09-08T10:44:37.670+12:002012-09-08T10:44:37.670+12:00I couldn't agree more with you on this one. I...I couldn't agree more with you on this one. It was as if letting go wasn't ever an option...but once I realized that it was an option, it was like you said, like a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt free to be happy again. And now I embrace THIS life instead of the one I always imagined. Because truth be told...I'm happy! Now if everyone else in my life would just accept that THIS life is okay and that my happiness is genuine and stop pitying me :-) In time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-48459513522849755262012-09-07T15:25:51.565+12:002012-09-07T15:25:51.565+12:00Thank you for writing this. I'm sure it was sc...Thank you for writing this. I'm sure it was scary to put it out there.<br /><br />I just want to say, that I was one of those tantrum-y toddlers, stamping my feet because it was yellow sheets or sleeping alone on the wooden floor. There was just no other option but to have kids.<br /><br />And then I did and I was like, oh shit, is this the happiness I was promised, because holy hell, I'm not actually that happy. Which seems like a horrible thing to say when I love my daughter so much but I will, and feel obliged to, admit that the day to day grind is just absolutely soul crushing. And my relationship has struggled in its transition to parenthood, not thrived. Us creating a life together did not bring us together, it pulled us apart and now we're groping for each other in the night, not even sure if we want to find each other.<br /><br />And this is when things are relatively good between us!<br /><br />But the thing is, when you have kids, at least in my life, you suddenly have no other choices. You made the ultimate choice and now there are no choices left. And that is a hard place to thrive.<br /><br />So while I would have never imagined liking the red sheets, now I can say that I probably would have been very happy with them, ultimately, if things hadn't gone the way I wanted. It would have taken me a long to get there but I think (I hope) I would have arrived. <br /><br />I think about this a lot on our path to #2. I know now that it will be so very hard to have another kid, and maybe having just one is ultimately a better life for us. I would never have expected to think that before I had a kid, but now I can see that light, because getting what I wanted wasn't exactly like I thought it would be, so why couldn't getting what I didn't want also be different than I expect?Esperanzahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12375150088333673843noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-12502899283157626082012-09-06T03:04:16.862+12:002012-09-06T03:04:16.862+12:00Yes, yes, yes! I am in an odd place, where I have ...Yes, yes, yes! I am in an odd place, where I have made a conscious choice to stop treatments for an indefinite time period. I haven't decided to remain childfree forever, but I am focusing on ways to be happy without children, now. And it has been a huge relief. I know that if a time ever comes where I am in a position to try again to bring a child into my life, to raise, I will have a different perspective, both on the treadmill of treatments and other options, and on people who choose to live childfree. I now see that the choice to live childfree does not reflect on the strength of ones desire to have children. But even 6 months ago, I couldn't imagine any situation where I would voluntarily choose to live childfree. And now I can. So thanks for this post!Hopehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05614983212919126632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-2430094013294014312012-09-06T01:56:25.867+12:002012-09-06T01:56:25.867+12:00This is such a timely (and wonderful post). On the...This is such a timely (and wonderful post). On the recommendation of another blogger, I've picked up a book called "Sweet Grapes" and have finally allowed myself to begin thinking about the path to childfree living. It's most certainly not what I was expecting.<br /><br />I think the biggest fear with childfree living is this idea that somehow it is a lesser life. That one choosing to halt fertility treatments is somehow allowing the world to defeat you. What many people (including myself until recently) fail to see is that choosing to step out of the trenches and live is not failure. It's actually very empowering and healing.<br /><br />Honestly, I think a main part of the fear about childfree is that many don't separate it from being childless. My husband and I are currently childless, waiting and weighing future options as we heal from the rollercoaster of fertility treatments. Is is very different from childfree. I recognize that now, but for a long time didn't. Which is why reading blogs from people like you and Loribeth is so important. Though you are not a majority, you are living and shining examples that one can conquer infertility. Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-3821457203712368582012-09-05T20:15:29.322+12:002012-09-05T20:15:29.322+12:00GREAT post indeed! I don't know too much about...GREAT post indeed! I don't know too much about other ALI sisters, but for me personally, I'm more afraid of the consequences of daydreaming and holding on to those baby dreams so I let it go as fast as I could because I felt that it was "easier" to do so in the beginning than if I let the dream take up roots and then bloom so beautifully in my heart - because of that fear of that chance: that no matter what we try, we may end up without children after all (because we've never been pregnant). And that grim possibility was so scary that I just didn't want to keep weaving the dream. <br /><br />BUT I know I've always been that extreme (for lack of a better term). And I don't like taking risks (chicken much? LOL!). And in my case, it helps me to know that my close friends acknowledge the power of letting go. <br /><br />I agree with Klara, too, that it's not easy to live without children in this world (even after making the decision of letting go). Amelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-40359731434384686752012-09-05T18:08:41.208+12:002012-09-05T18:08:41.208+12:00Great post!
I wish I could read it few years ago...Great post! <br /><br />I wish I could read it few years ago! <br />I went through so many IVF treatments because I just couldn't (and wouldn't) imagine my life without children. Because - yes - it is not easy to live without children in children-centric-world. <br /><br />If I had to point one thing that really opened my eyes, it would be couple of days that I spent togehter with Pamela (author of Silent Sorority) and her husband. It was actually the first couple that lives childfree (not by choice) and that we spent some time with them. And - I thought that their life was just perfect. <br /><br />It was for the first time in my life that I actually realized, that also we would be OK. And that we just have to make the most of our life. And to define new goal: Live Happily!<br /><br />Klarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17028863974858724867noreply@blogger.com