tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post7127305294691609062..comments2024-03-28T06:32:27.436+13:00Comments on No Kidding in NZ: Nature/nurture and general ignoranceMalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-75831296052771344802012-09-16T22:19:49.865+12:002012-09-16T22:19:49.865+12:00This is something I have given a lot of thought to...This is something I have given a lot of thought to, with the decision to 'go donor' - would Mr Stinky's parents see this grandchild as 'equal'. They've said they're behind us whatever we choose, so I like to think its just my 'what if' mindset on overdrive. I figure since Mr Stinky's brother's child is the one who can carry on the family genes . . . it takes the pressure off us.<br />From the perspective of the adoptive/intended parents, soooooo much thought and considering everything every-which-way goes into imagining that child into being, I imagine it would be completely different thought process for anyone (whanau-wise) who is not directly making these choices. And how involved they are with the process (ie yearly/6monthly updates? as opposed to the hand-holding support some of us are lucky enough to obtain?) that might also shape their perspective on that child?<br /><br />Then again, some people do have quite fixed opinions - interesting thinking going on in my head of 'how much is it our place to try and change another's values/opinions?' IN a devils advocate way, obviously, because I don't think I could happily advocate for someone maintaining a staid opinion that excludes another person through ignorance alone.Stinkyhttp://www.beyondtheparentheses.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-88275229350117837132012-09-14T17:30:40.685+12:002012-09-14T17:30:40.685+12:00For me, family has always been about siblings, par...For me, family has always been about siblings, parents, and grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, nieces and nephews, and now also means my husband and all of his family. I never had an image of family as exclusively a nuclear family. I'm Hispanic and my husband is from the Middle East, and in both cultures family means extended family. IrisDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14120842144868527846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-54925401386796846122012-09-14T09:09:48.782+12:002012-09-14T09:09:48.782+12:00Myhusband used to quote the Wyatt Earp movie "...Myhusband used to quote the Wyatt Earp movie "nothing is as important as blood" and it irritated me to death, because MY family was not his family but HIS family was my family ???<br /><br />And now that Our immediate family is just the two of us, no kids the word Family has always bothered me. We are a couple. family are kids.. at least in my mind it was. Recently that has been changing.<br /><br />And last night I read this most amazing article, and its available online for anyone who wants to read it. <br /><br />http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20121001/ruth-an-excellent-woman/<br /><br />It had a subheading "What Makes a family". Its about my favorite Bible characters, Ruth and Naomi. was really nice. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-38935856270060896582012-09-14T05:57:41.437+12:002012-09-14T05:57:41.437+12:00I really meant it, from the bottom of my heart!
Hu...I really meant it, from the bottom of my heart!<br />Hugs!<br />PS: isn't it great to have friends on another part of the Earth :)Klarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17028863974858724867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-40500632089868601122012-09-14T05:43:16.920+12:002012-09-14T05:43:16.920+12:00Fantastic- really interesting because I had basica...Fantastic- really interesting because I had basically found out that two of my cousins were adopted last year after growing up with them for almost 30 years (they're 10+ years younger than me), just two days after I found out that I cannot have children. I was crying that it is going to be hard to adopt due to being single and deaf, and whether family'd accept them- that's when my uncle disclosed that his sons are adopted- I stopped crying and looked at him. I wasn't sure how to reply to that for 1) why hadn't anyone told me? 2) my aunt is unable to have children, and I just find out now when I could have seeked support/validation and hope? and 3) why hadn't anyone told me? This is very signficant that it means I can adopt and the family'd love them equally as children born in family. <br />I had seen the cousins again, and there's nothing changed in my life- they're still my cousins. Wolfershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12937704236275533865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-21680387359403157422012-09-13T14:33:59.922+12:002012-09-13T14:33:59.922+12:00It's funny to think of adoption in our family ...It's funny to think of adoption in our family - people who are frequently close-minded think nothing of full acceptance of the adopted children (my cousin and my two nieces). My aunt had a lot of trouble having children - so much so that my grandmother suggested that my mother give my next older sister to my aunt. My mother already had 2 children, and my aunt didn't have anything but losses. She adopted my cousin a year and a half after I was born...and 8 years later finally had a successful pregnancy. These are the same people, though, who were forbidden to talk to their cousins that lived across the street because their mother had gotten *gasp!* a divorce. Times were different, I suppose. But it still surprises me how accepting they have been of adoption - I'm proud of them.areyoukiddingmehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16107214079237461141noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-22319116361880762402012-09-13T12:54:25.898+12:002012-09-13T12:54:25.898+12:00My brother and his family, my niece, nephew and si...My brother and his family, my niece, nephew and sister in law would love for my husband and I to adopt a child. I think my mother has an older mindset. I think she would love the child, but I don't know if she would feel the same way about the child as she did about my brother's kids. My dad is a funny one... in that kids and animals really gravitate toward him... I mean, my friend's kids, my cousin's little kids... they all adore him... and all the family pets have always favored him as well. So, I think he would be a fine grandfather. I have on to occasions heard friends who had biological children express feelings about adoption as different... to the extent that having their own children they see so many traits and behaviors that are peculiar to their own behavior or that of their spouses, and perhaps being a bit hesitant about adoption because from their perspective nature might have a bigger role to play in behavior than perhaps nurture. I wonder about that. My nephew's girlfriend, and probably future wife, is adopted. We love her very much!! IrisDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14120842144868527846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-68660296340502387462012-09-13T09:35:16.067+12:002012-09-13T09:35:16.067+12:00Klara, you made me cry. Thank you for such a love...Klara, you made me cry. Thank you for such a lovely comment.Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-53946107630624615372012-09-13T08:16:38.307+12:002012-09-13T08:16:38.307+12:00This worry is one of the reasons I have steered cl...This worry is one of the reasons I have steered clear of adoption. The husband of my oldest friend once told me that adoptive parents aren't "real parents." I really wanted to hit him. :-( Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-85498529640424912452012-09-13T04:15:21.040+12:002012-09-13T04:15:21.040+12:00I want to blog about this...but my readers include...I want to blog about this...but my readers include relatives. I might get brave enough...Bridgetthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12843150280542615265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-26873069257443092882012-09-13T02:49:34.727+12:002012-09-13T02:49:34.727+12:00Adoption came up for A and me while we were trying...Adoption came up for A and me while we were trying to have a family. My parents and his parents were 100% supportive and I know that they would have had as much love for an adopted grandchild as a biological one. A, on the other hand, wanted a child who was biologically his own so, apart from a couple of glorious weeks, refused to consider adoption.Illanarehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05203774916178621215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-36498685151647843612012-09-13T01:18:37.392+12:002012-09-13T01:18:37.392+12:00I would be furious if we adopted and our children ...I would be furious if we adopted and our children were not accepted as family. I can see certain family members that might have issues with it, but I think overall we'd be fine.<br /><br />I like the 2nd to last paragraph of your old post. A big part of my fear of death is being forgotten and not having made enough of a positive impact, but there are so many ways to get there that don't involve having children. And maybe we do need to get over ourselves. :)Fieryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06477507213781894921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-43096784732775883362012-09-12T22:17:10.566+12:002012-09-12T22:17:10.566+12:00I guess some people do love "inclusion" ...I guess some people do love "inclusion" at heart (the "us" versus "them"), though some people are more big-hearted (like Klara's mom) than others. I mean I love this infertility sisterhood 'coz I can't get it elsewhere no matter how much other people try to understand and sometimes I even feel the "us" against "them" boiling within me when I talk about certain topics. I know I'm turning this into a more general idea, so back to the point of your post...<br /><br />I know a cousin who's adopted by the real mother's elder sister who had trouble having kids and even though I knew from such a young age that he wasn't their real son and even though the other family members knew, he was still included in our family tree so to speak and he was never treated any differently by any relative, though some gossipy neighbours did taunt him when he was younger by saying, "You're adopted, you know? Your Mom isn't your real Mom." - which in turn made him say to his adoptive mother, "Aunty X (his birthmom) doesn't love children."<br /><br />Unfortunately, though, during the years when he got older, he fell out with his parents (the adoptive ones), so now they're estranged. I don't know what happened, but it's just such a shame. <br /><br />Adoption isn't an easy decision indeed. Other than the family concerns, what we were concerned with when we were thinking of adoption was whether or not society in this small village could accept an adopted child. We didn't want to scar the child for life because society rejected him/her. Plus the process of adopting in a country like this seemed so complicated and tiring and long (compared to the time it takes to give birth to a baby if getting pregnant and staying pregnant are viable without any complications). <br /><br />P.S. I mean in this country there aren't many abandoned babies 'coz of the way the social system is built (so the only option to adopt is from abroad), but I can imagine being able to adopt much easier in Indonesia, for example, where the gap between the rich and poor are so big and there are so many abandoned children there. Amelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-18458280621722061622012-09-12T16:44:10.173+12:002012-09-12T16:44:10.173+12:00One part of my decision not to adopt was certanty,...One part of my decision not to adopt was certanty, that my father would never ever loved my adopted child as much as he loves my brother's two little daughters. <br /><br />My mother's heart is wider - she wouldn't have problems.<br /><br />It would break my heart to see my adopted child suffering because of being excluded just because not having the right DNA. <br /><br />One story: my granny's younger cousin Marta couldn't have children and so she adopted a girl aproximately 45 years ago. This adopted woman is now married and has a teenage son. It is distant family, so I don't actually know them, but my parents visit them sometimes. <br /><br />Once I overheard the conversation that my parents had, talking about this family. My Dad refered to the teenage boy as "son of adopted daughter". And my Mum simplified things and said : "yes, Marta's grandson". And my Dad completely disagreed - he said that this of course isn't Marta's grandson, it is just a son of the adopted daughter<br /><br />:( Yes, my Dad and his narrowness sometimes make me sad.<br /><br />By the way - most of people do not make a world a better place. Having a child does not make a world a better place. <br /><br />*** <br />But you, Mali - on the other hand - did make a world a better place. At least for me. Your blog means a place where my wounded soul can find its comfort. Thank you! Klarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17028863974858724867noreply@blogger.com