Disrupted plans

I started blogging here when I was at least seven years past learning I would never ever have children. I'd done a lot of grieving, expressed some of my feelings online with friends in a restricted space. I've never done the full emotional download onto my blog that some others have done. And now I know my blog is connected to my own, real name - as connected as I feel to Mali, who has been my online persona since 2006.

I remember some years ago seeing someone say (online, not one of my beloved bloggers) that their plan for their childless old age was to stay healthy. At the time I remember thinking (and writing here) that that wasn't a plan, it was just putting their head in the sand. My parents lived fit and healthy lives, but the ends of their lives were difficult. Genes and cancer had other ideas. Looking at them, I knew I needed to plan. I know now how right I was.

I just thought I'd have a few more years before they were necessary. My husband and I are going through some pretty serious health stuff right now. It's caused me to realise that even my relatively cautious plans have now been blown out of the water. I'm going to take a step back from No Kidding in NZ. I'll still blog, but just not every week. Because there's a lot going on in my head at the moment, and I don't want to write it all down for public consumption. And it's hard thinking of topics to write about when my every thought is about another issue. 

But living in the moment helps. Finding joy in a lovely day, good food, a joke. I wrote about it in my 2020 Healing series, and Gifts of Infertility under Mindfulness. It helps each day pass. I don't apologise for the repetition.

 

When friends have to be our family

A friend reminded me a while ago that family isn't everything. She's someone who has stepped up for childless uncles and aunts, and knows my story very well. One of the few IRL friends and family who reads here. We've both had to help parents and in-laws in their old age. And she's starting to downsize for a move towards her own family - not far in distance, but a big change - to fund the retirement lifestyle they want to have. (Again, another reminder for me to clean up here. Yes, the universe is trying to tell me something.)

I made a simple comment about having to ensure we are somewhere safe earlier than most people might have to think about it. People with children that is. And she reminded me that when family aren't around - either because of geographical (or emotional) distance or their non-existence -  that friends are there to help. And even friends kids. She pointed out that we've been friends for almost 30 years, and her kids have always known we are part of the fabric of her life, even if we don't know those children well now (they're grown and in their 30s themselves). She's sure they'd be around for us even if she or her husband couldn't be. And I've been reminded too that others feel the same way. 

Family doesn't have to be focused on only parent-child relationships. It can have a much wider definition. Blood, or not blood. Related, and not related. We need to remember that.