tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post2381874290803815989..comments2024-03-28T06:32:27.436+13:00Comments on No Kidding in NZ: Our relationships with other people's childrenMalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-46723011729471593102016-01-14T14:29:59.045+13:002016-01-14T14:29:59.045+13:00I was going to comment here, but ended up doing a ...I was going to comment here, but ended up doing a blog post instead, cos it was always going to get superlongStinky Weaselteatshttps://beyondtheparentheses.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-42608566893378668722016-01-12T15:46:24.664+13:002016-01-12T15:46:24.664+13:00I think your friend is right, and so are you. I ag...I think your friend is right, and so are you. I agree that families have become a lot more insular these days. I'm not sure why that is -- because many people live further from their families and they don't trust "outsiders" with their precious children? because they're too busy to expand their relationships outside their immediate circle? But it's their loss, and (most importantly) the children's. They are missing out on some potentially enriching and maybe even life-changing relationships. loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-78925089087196642822016-01-09T20:23:20.221+13:002016-01-09T20:23:20.221+13:00dear Mali,
I have to first comment your flag count...dear Mali,<br />I have to first comment your flag counter. I have noticed the Slovenian flag there for the first time. Lovely! <br /><br />I read Sally's post. I wish I had a teacher like that.<br /><br />I enjoyed reading your post. So very true. I loved your sentence: "They're not going to love their parents less, simply because they love their aunts or uncles." Exactly this is the thing that my sister-in-law doesn't understand. <br />I recently blogged about it: http://thenext15000days.blogspot.si/2015/12/who-won.html<br /><br />wishing you a lovely weekend.<br />Klarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17028863974858724867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-34132620959087713862016-01-09T18:54:06.564+13:002016-01-09T18:54:06.564+13:00As usual, you have made me think. The first thing ...As usual, you have made me think. The first thing you've made me think about is that I wonder if the US is different from NZ? In New Zealand, or certainly within my family and peer group, I don't think NZers worry too much about disciplining someone else's child, or are too upset if someone else disciplined our children - within reason. It's common for children to spend a lot of time in other people's homes. I assumed that would largely be the case in the US, but your comments and the article imply that it might not. Of course, I've written from the perspective of a New Zealander, but took my inspiration from the blog of an American. Globalisation!<br /><br />You're right of course about other cultures. In NZ, the Maori culture (and those of the Pacific Islands too) is very much one of an inclusive extended family, the marae, the tribe. The "whanau" aspect of their culture has increasingly become part of NZ culture, and I think that's a good thing. (Incidentally, I understand that this is one of the reasons adoption in NZ is now so rare.) I have become part of a Malaysian Chinese family in Malaysia (two of my sisters-in-law are from the same family), and over the last 30+ years have observed them as children have been raised and had their own children. They also very much follow the extended family "it takes a village" principle. Much the same in Thailand too. And perhaps it reminds me too of my childhood in New Zealand in the 60s and 70s. I wonder if the need for the "it takes a village" idea - once so common in all our cultures - has stemmed from the fact we are now highly mobile, moving away from the traditional extended family groupings and having to find their "village" in a different context (eg. in Sally's street, or in your house). <br /><br />What I have observed in these cultures, and my own, is that the parenting is often shared, and children might be as comfortable in a friend's or cousin's home as they are in their own. But the focus of the relationships between the adults and children is still one of raising children, of parenting. <br /><br />Whereas I guess what I'm talking about is a slightly different type of relationship. A relationship that isn't parenting, but perhaps more of a close confidante and mentor. Very much a one-on-one relationship, getting to know the children as an individual, in a different way from a parent, without the expectations of a parent. In my experience at least, I don't see that a lot. In fact, the examples I can think of just now are only of other childless women and their nieces.<br /><br />Which makes me think too - Poor nephews. I wonder if they miss out?Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-45189034911843096382016-01-09T06:49:56.078+13:002016-01-09T06:49:56.078+13:00On my own block, there are 7 or 8 families with ch...On my own block, there are 7 or 8 families with children the same age. We are similar enough in child-rearing philosophies that it is nothing to discipline another person's child (verbally I mean, correct behavior) or have kids in your house that don't belong to you. There are, in fact, two childless older couples who are our block grandparents. The relationships are pretty deep. But when I talk about it with other people, I can tell this is a rare situation. I wish that it were not. Sally Bridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04888582125823088850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-84031173037235991462016-01-09T06:43:44.916+13:002016-01-09T06:43:44.916+13:00I hadn't considered that as a reason for the d...I hadn't considered that as a reason for the divide. It makes sense. Takes a long time to let those traditions fall away.Sally Bridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04888582125823088850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-24113655170313227222016-01-09T03:08:15.709+13:002016-01-09T03:08:15.709+13:00Found a great article on Israeli parenting: http:/...Found a great article on Israeli parenting: http://forward.com/sisterhood/174940/a-better-kind-of-parenting-israeli-style/. And I would guess a lot of other cultures would read that and say, "oh, that's how it is over here, too."Lollipop Goldsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-27646452346403517312016-01-09T03:03:22.376+13:002016-01-09T03:03:22.376+13:00I'm totally with you on the need for aunts and...I'm totally with you on the need for aunts and uncles, and really, other adults in a child's life beyond the parents. My kids get to enjoy a lot of relationships like that, and I think it enriches their lives. And I enjoy being that person to a lot of other people's kids.<br /><br />But there is a huge cultural assumption (meaning, that the culture of the majority must be the way things are done everywhere) in this statement:<br /><br />My friend commented that, in general, “adults don't get to know children, beyond their own children.” <br /><br />In my culture, it couldn't be farther from the truth -- kids don't even live with their parents on kibbutz, they live together with the other children and there is a group mentality of raising kids. The point is that within my cultural group, I wouldn't think twice about interacting and getting to know another person's kid, hence why we always seem to have someone else's child in our house joining us for activities or meals. My kids refer to these kids as fictive kin, and call the parents "aunt" or "uncle." And that is beyond the fluidity that exists within my extended family. Outside of my cultural group, when I'm interacting with other cultures, I am much more aware of my perception of that line -- whether it really exists for insiders or not. <br /><br />Still, I can't believe we're the only culture that blurs that family line, where the "it takes a village" mentality really has the village stepping in and shaping the lives of the next generation. Based on reading and discussions with other people, I'm going to assume that there are many other family-fluid cultures. So I think it needs to be qualified.Lollipop Goldsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-58824805579187904642016-01-09T01:33:14.462+13:002016-01-09T01:33:14.462+13:00So wonderfully stated. Thank you!So wonderfully stated. Thank you!Indigo Buntinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11387698096732697805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-84427319638029945552016-01-09T00:23:15.859+13:002016-01-09T00:23:15.859+13:00I have a post brewing about the relationship my la...I have a post brewing about the relationship my landlady is developing with the Beats that touches on all of this. I'll send you the link soon.<br /><br />But for now, I absolutely agree with you and Sally. There's still this divide between children and adults, stemming from a period where children were considered property. Hence there's a reluctance to get to close as it is both seem as creepy and as infringing. Which is terrible as there are SO many young people who are starved for any emotional connection.<br /><br />Great and thoughtful post, Mali.Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-64854504105324878422016-01-08T22:33:48.895+13:002016-01-08T22:33:48.895+13:00Interesting thoughts Mali, in my experience those ...Interesting thoughts Mali, in my experience those of us without children have a really close relationship with our siblings, nephews & nieces or they are the hardest to get on with. I'm an only child & I envy one friend in particular who has been a very close aunty for many years. <br />My husband's sister has 2 boys & could use a male role model but our relationship isn't like that so my husband misses out too.<br />As you say it is a gift.Lesley Pynehttp://www.lesleypyne.co.uknoreply@blogger.com