tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post4758771898527579470..comments2024-03-28T06:32:27.436+13:00Comments on No Kidding in NZ: Letting go of the guiltMalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-70801797463400046072015-07-22T22:46:52.882+12:002015-07-22T22:46:52.882+12:00Thanks everyone - its not till you read through po...Thanks everyone - its not till you read through posts such as this that you see it clearly. Its mostly ourselves who actually see us as less than. So much guilt for not giving my husband a child and our parents grandchildren. I forgave myself only this year after 18 years in the waiting room. It took alot to realise that there is far more to us and our relationships than an ability to bear children. Unbelieveably sad but we are important - forgiving myslelf and my body has allowed me to truly see how much my husband loves me and how much my parents love me. They have no grandchildren as my brother never wanted children and I feel sad they don't have that espeically with my Dads Alzhiemers - he relates well to children as he is not able to get words out these days. However, I recall a conversation with him a decade ago and I know he would not want me to be sad for him - he only ever wanted me to be happy. The more I accept my sad moments and days and do not question the "why" but simply this is how it is - the more I see the joy in the simple things in life. It takes alot though to change the conditional thinking we have mostly all be raised to believe in and desire. Its hard to let go of the dreams and the guilt ....... Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-20404930767157810612015-07-18T05:50:56.689+12:002015-07-18T05:50:56.689+12:00great post!! guilt is such a thing that plagues in...great post!! guilt is such a thing that plagues infertiles. You are right, I feel like I see guilt come up very frequently on almost every infertility blog I read. It does always involve blaming oneself for things you couldn't control/couldn't know. <br /><br />I sometimes blamed myself for getting cancer... HPV comes from having sex and so it was my fault. (despite the fact that 90% of humans have HPV). I've felt very guilty for this. I've felt guilty for my body being a useless vessel... I've felt guilty for not giving my parents grandchildren. <br /><br />I've felt guilt about weighing down R with me and my hormonal problems, taking away his opportunity to be a parent, etc. It's a lot to get through.<br /><br />I think you are right though, partners are typically not blaming us. We are way harder on ourselves than anyone else will ever be. <br /><br />When I have a friend who faces infertility, I tell them "Be nice to yourself! Do not blame yourself!" because while i know they will and that they will not always be nice to themselves.. I want to plant that seed. I want to keep bringing it up to help them to a healthier place.<br /><br />Thank you for sharing your story. Posts like this make us all feel less alone in our emotions/guilt.nicolehttp://nicoleciomek.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-11695397521375000782015-07-15T03:56:48.994+12:002015-07-15T03:56:48.994+12:00Food for thought...I think we are slightly differe...Food for thought...I think we are slightly different in this case because the both of us didn't go through any tests and we don't know of any known causes that can possibly make us infertile. There was, however, the feeling of "being less than a woman" because I couldn't get pregnant and have children, but because there was no specific knowledge of any causes to it, I guess it sort of softened the blow (read: shame) a little? <br /><br />The guilt I felt was mostly the feelings of not being able to turn my husband into a father and not being able to give grandchildren to both sets of parents. I've never told my husband about this guilt, but I reckon he felt the same way at some point (he did say he was worried about being an infertile at some point, whereas I was so sure I was fertile). I shared my feelings briefly with my MIL via email once and she said that there was no need for me to feel guilty because she could tell that infertility was really tough on me, though I rarely shared anything much with her about it afterwards (I only wrote the email to ask her to stop expecting any grandchildren from us). I've also shared the same feelings with my mom through my long letter, but due to the length of the letter she never really talked about it (though I'm sure she was really surprised at the depth and breadth of my feelings). <br /><br />I need to ponder more in case I have other type of guilt involved hmmm...when it came to my feelings on being "less than a woman", though, I did feel anger towards my body (though I only realized it much further along the way). I felt that during TTC I had prepared my body as best as I could (exercising regularly, healthy diet, vitamins) but nothing happened, so there was a period of time when I used food as comfort as well as a way to punish myself. I felt that if I couldn't produce any human being, at the very least I could enjoy the food and I could eat all the junk food that I loved (that I had avoided during TTC). Amelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16792921371964029469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-8312897741798080602015-07-14T06:27:15.766+12:002015-07-14T06:27:15.766+12:00In my case it was my partner DP who wanted to wait...In my case it was my partner DP who wanted to wait. I warned him, was afraid to turn 35, but still he needed that time. And when I did have IF I was Furious with him for having wasted time. It took a lot of therapy and blogging to let go of that anger, to not self destruct or sabotage the relationship. Had he not wanted to persue donor eggs I'm not sure I could have stayed with him, watching his children grow up.... Now that Suzy is here I rarely think back to those unhealthy emotions.Valeryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10210187335704409247noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-19330844808449370942015-07-13T19:08:59.353+12:002015-07-13T19:08:59.353+12:00Beautifully written.
You make excellent points ab...Beautifully written.<br /><br />You make excellent points about guilt, and how it is about culpability.<br /><br />I have blamed my body, desire to take contraception. I have been through it.<br /><br />Today, I do have children, but blaming never stops.St Elsewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08074672268757885766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-92088035810144379112015-07-13T16:02:31.533+12:002015-07-13T16:02:31.533+12:00Actually, you have a point about finances, and fam...Actually, you have a point about finances, and family support. I didn't think to mention them.<br /><br />I find the "grandparent guilt" interesting. You've got me thinking some more about that.Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-55641394042496170712015-07-13T12:26:33.169+12:002015-07-13T12:26:33.169+12:00I read this post this morning and have been thinki...I read this post this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I've felt so much guilt about my body's failings, much more guilt than waiting too long.<br /><br />Hubs truly has taught me the meaning of unconditional love by his actions. Even though my body was the reason that we couldn't get pregnant, he has always viewed it as our problem, not mine. Our relationship was pretty strong before infertility, but it tested us to the core. Thankfully we came out of it so much stronger because what we have was worth fighting for. I think the healing process for both of us has been "easier" because we're so supportive of each other.<br /><br />I'm working on letting go of guilt. Right now it serves no purpose except a security blanket, one that isn't helpful or productive at all. Thank you for this post. BentNotBrokenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10151724076659555122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-20910421323709614392015-07-13T02:00:20.697+12:002015-07-13T02:00:20.697+12:00I think you make an excellent point that if we mak...I think you make an excellent point that if we make our decisions to the best of our ability in the moment (obviously without the benefit of knowing what the future holds) we can own them as good decisions. Or the right decisions for that time. Retrospect can't trump the current moment.Lollipop Goldsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5725106142359702200.post-30539170011623731652015-07-13T01:50:09.889+12:002015-07-13T01:50:09.889+12:00ARGH... I had a long eloquent comment & Blogge...ARGH... I had a long eloquent comment & Blogger ate it. :p Trying again...! <br /><br />As we've discussed before, you & I are of a similar age & grew up in the same era, Mali. I couldn't have explained my own reasons for delaying starting a family any better than you just did (although I would add in financial concerns and the fact that we had little family support around us to help with a new baby). And I agree with you on the subject of guilt re: spouses. I felt a bit of guilt around that, but not a lot. Dh was agreeable to waiting too -- he knew our situation as well as I did. I always felt that we'd promised to love each other "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" and I firmly include infertility in the "sickness" category. We'd condemn a spouse for leaving if his/her wife/husband got sick with cancer or some other disease; why should infertility be different? I know most of us get married with the expectation of having a family, but presumably there are other reasons we got together that count for something. <br /><br />My main guilt around my childlessness is related to my parents. They would have been wonderful grandparents, and I know it was something they looked forward to. My only sibling, my sister, has never wanted children, so I knew the onus was one me, and I've always felt (still do, to some extent) that I failed them miserably in this sense. :( I feel fortunate that they are, at least, "honorary grandparents" to some of the neighbours' children/grandchildren, & get to enjoy watching those little ones grow up. <br />loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.com