I've always said writing helps. And it really does. But in the absolute depths of grief, writing has been, and still is, too hard. I could pour my heart out here. But I've never really done that in this space, not in the midst of the experiences, not as I am trying to roll with the feelings, and just get through each day. Yet my brain keeps trying to make sense of it. So today I've been trying to write things down - yes, actual handwriting! What a novelty. But at times, it just feels that that is what my brain needs.
It's now been almost seven weeks. The passage of time feels unbearably cruel. Yet I feel as if he is still with me. Because he is with me and he always will be; we have over 40 years of memories together. They will never go. And so it's not a case of having to reprogram my brain, which I talked about after the final diagnosis that I would never have children. I'd been so used to thinking "when I have children" that I needed a complete brain reset. And that was hard, every realisation a sharp shock. Especially when the prevailing attitude from everyone around me was always that I had to keep hope. "Think positive" - ugh! But this is different. I've had over a year knowing that he was going to die, though we didn't think it would be quite so soon. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I'd forgotten how exhausting grief can be. I'd forgotten too how exhausting it is trying to "stay strong." Just as any of us who have been to child-centred activities would get home feeling depleted, anything I do now that is a reminder of D (which is pretty much everything) takes a toll. Staying strong - ie not weeping and wailing - with friends (even when the tears do come) or with tradesmen or lawyers or at the damn supermarket takes a toll. Even writing through the grief takes a toll. Which is why I'll stop here today. Thanks for reading. And if you are suffering loss in any way, recognise that it takes a toll, and be kind to yourself.
Let the tears and emotions flow, my friend. While I can never fully understand the depth of grief you're experiencing I know that the strength required to 'stay strong' and to dam up the feelings for others just compounds the sensation of pent-up pressure. Again, I say, be yourself and not the person you think others need you to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're taking pen to paper. I often get writer's block when I'm emotionally blocked up -- emotional constipation is my term for it. It's like my head and heart can't quite find each other and are working at cross purposes. Writing, gardening and music do a great job of letting my jumbled thoughts settle some.
One other thing I learned long ago to allow my brain and heart relax into grief was to watch films that transported me elsewhere. The very act of letting my brain absorb itself in a drama and story line apart from my life opened up a trickle of tears that relieved some of the pressure. I always find a good cry clarifying. I'll try to make a list of some of films that touched me in different ways. As other relief valves come to me, I'll share them. Meanwhile, give yourself permission to be a mess. xx
Grief IS exhausting and manifests in surprising ways and something that takes different shapes at different times. You are being strong and soft and exactly who you need to be for yourself. You don't have to try to be strong, that is who you are already and need to prove it to no one. I am sending across the miles and oceans a little extra space and grace for yourself and your process. Cry, lean on people and rest.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. This is my biggest fear. I am sorry to hear you are in the midst of grieving your lost love. I wish you what you need. No idea what that might be, but if you know, or if the universe knows, I wish for you to get it to tide you over until grieving is no longer hurting you.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard. I am glad you are listening to what your body needs. Handwriting has a very different effect on us than typing. Whatever supports you is right. Thank you for this post. Sending much love and warmth <3.
ReplyDeleteGrief is so overwhelming and powerful. Resisting it zaps your energy stores even more. I'm holding space for you as you figure out how to titrate it to something manageable at least some of the time. I have a hunch that handwriting, as you intuitively knew to do, is a way to do that. Big love 💜
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are being kind to yourself and recognizing what you need right now. I will admit that most of my writing these days is on a keyboard! -- but I think there really is value in actually writing things out by hand (as I think schools are beginning to realize again...!). Much love to you across the miles. ❤
ReplyDeleteSending you so much love. There is something to the difference between typing and handwriting, like Elaine said. There's no handbook for living through loss, especially a 40 year partnership. You do what you need to do. (With a different loss, I have found myself weeping in the supermarket and needing to leave ASAP.) It's so good to hear from you, although I wish there was some way to help ease your pain. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteFor heavens sake. Now is the time for weeping and wailing. Being strong right now not putting yourself on top of the flaming pyre and allowing the weeping to happen. Being strong enough to grieve. Handwriting, drawing, eating, reading wailing all is appropriate here. Running or walking hard or swimming or what every physical thing you want. Allow the grief and loss, do not stuff it. Because that is the gift that you can share. Grief is major. The loss is massive. We need role models who show us it is ok to grieve our losses. And that we survive that pain. That others can do the same ... survive the loss and grief and then carry on having survived out loss while living. That you are more than grief. And the loss is with us as well as the living with loss. The unexpressed grief is not healthy for you or those who also grieve. Because over time the grief can transform if it is experienced. And it takes as long as it takes but stuffing it or hiding it does not let the transformation occur. And it may take 1 year or 10 or longer. Grief is it's own valid condition. It can come and go. Be huge some times and small others, but stuffed doesn't work. Huge HUGS.
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