#MicroblogMondays: Remembering Decembers

December so often brings feelings of doom and gloom in those of us suffering from infertility or living without children. Family celebrations are so often part of the season, and so difficult for many of us. December for me too brings anniversaries. My two pregnancies happened in December – the surprise, the joy, the anticipation closely followed by heartbreak, and in my second pregnancy, six months of procedures and bleeding and fear I’d never be able to even try to conceive again.

I realised this last week, as I saw the pohutukawa begin to bloom on the 13^th anniversary of finding out I was pregnant for the very first time, that I can remember without pain. A slight twinge and sigh of regret is all that hits me, and that is also mixed with the fact that my late father would have celebrated his 86^th birthday in early December too. 

Oh, I know I could plunge myself back into remembering the pain and the fear and the shock, and rather than just remembering, I could so easily relive these feelings. But I don’t need to do that, and most significantly, I don’t have to fight my brain to stop myself doing that anymore. Remembering simply and peacefully is now possible; I find there is a beauty, a calm, and even a gratitude to it.

#MicroblogMondays: The future we can't have

When I was grieving the fact that I would never have children, I often admonished myself for what I felt was this self-centred grief. Then I saw this quote.

"The most painful state of being is remembering the future – one that you can never have."

Kierkegaard

It reminded me that I had lost something, and that it was okay to grieve. Oddly, that validation made me feel better too. So if you are grieving now, just know that we know it hurts, and that it is okay to grieve.

Know too though, that after a while you will stop remembering the future that you can’t have, and you’ll start looking forward to the wonderful future that you can have. Both your new future, and the shift of focus, are worth celebrating.

Reviewing the year: Creme de la Creme

I finally decided to sit down and have a look at my 2014 posts, to decide which one I'd like to submit to Mel's Creme de la Creme as the post that has "words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings." A best post, in effect. I hope you're all doing the same - I can't wait to see your contributions to the Creme de la Creme.

I decided to be systematic about it, so drew up a Long List. (Yes, I'll never win the Man Booker Prize, or even be on its Long List, but I can pretend!)  As I drew up my list, it surprised me how quickly the year had gone, and how prolific I had been at the beginning of the year. I knew immediately when I cam to the post that would be my Creme de la Creme submission. Perhaps you will know too. Or maybe you can guess?

But for what it's worth, I thought I'd list my Long List, starting with the oldest posts first:

Thanking No Kidding Women  A response to an article thanking us, and the letter I wished had been written to us.
Why we should support the childfree-by-choice  What we have in common with the childfree
Is society really baby-obsessed?  A response to a question, and my thoughts on why this is bad for all women
Those Throwaway Comments  A discussion I heard about an article commenting on whether people with children are happier than people without children led to some throwaway comments, and my thoughts about them.
People without children don't miss anything  I emailed the radio station, received a response that only fanned the (my) flames, and responded in kind.
You can't please all the people all the time  Blogging, insensitive comments, and being thankful. It might surprise you.
Infertility's Waiting Room   My thoughts on being "in the trenches" of infertility, and moving on.
Things I wish I'd been told about the Big M  The title speaks for itself.
The injustice of being a woman   Raging against our biology
Friendship 101   Thoughts on friendship when one party is suffering from infertility.
Gifts of Infertility: A Series - #1 - We are not alone   Infertility feels very lonely. But thanks to technology none of us need go through this alone.
Saying "goodbye" to our dreams   Learning to let go to what we can't have. 
The F Word   Thoughts on the concept of failure, and what it really means. 

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2014

#MicroblogMondays: Being an Aunt

I was busy being an aunt this time last week, travelling north to go to a dance recital (and to support my sister who is launching her photography business). It was lovely. I do envy you if you have nieces and nephews who live close by, though I know too that I'm lucky to have a niece at all. Still, when I visit, it is a Big Deal in a way it probably wouldn't be if I lived just around the corner. Both DH and I got to read bed-time stories, and I got to take her to school one morning too. Though that morning, when she got in bed with me to chat, her main concern was whether I knew where to go! I look forward to when she is older, and can come visit on her own (though with some trepidation too). 

I've spent the week since recovering. See more about it here at A Separate Life, with a few photos.

#MicroblogMondays: A Lucky Escape

An overdue get-together, my friend arrived and we kissed hello on the cheeks. She then proceeded to apologise for being late - her family had a nit alert.

"Nits?'' I recoiled, taking an involuntary step back.

Just the night before, my husband and I had watched an episode of Modern Family, in which Lilly had nits and was used as a secret weapon against a much-disliked acquaintance. Her father had fended her off - like a lion tamer - with a floor lamp. I was tempted to do the same with my friend.

Another friend, her children now grown, flatly refused to assist our potentially nit-ridden friend to begin the de-lousing process, so I didn't feel so guilty about my display of abject horror.

There are definite advantages to not having children.