The misogyny of ignoring the childless

Too often, women who can’t have children are dismissed or, at the very least, their emotions are dismissed. We all know that the world is uncomfortable with emotions. The world is especially uncomfortable with the emotions of women. And that subset of women who aren’t mothers?  Well, even some mothers who went through infertility with us are uncomfortable with our emotions, hearing us express our losses, and the reality of our lives. They don’t want to be reminded they could have been us. It’s as if we have to be silent, never mention the fact we don’t have children and what that means for our lives, because it will discomfort the rest of society. They want us to be content being ignored and isolated.

The inherent misogyny that sees women’s emotions dismissed in society in general – “don’t be so sensitive”  “you’re imagining it” – makes many women self-conscious about their emotions, feeling that there is something wrong with them. It’s gaslighting, and this concept has, fortunately, been brought into the mainstream lexicon in recent years. My own mother often said “you’ll think I’m crazy, but …” and would then tell me something she did that was purely an expression of her particular preferences, and of course, not crazy at all. She said this more frequently after my father died, maybe because she was making more choices on her own, or because she didn’t have him validating their combined interests. On reflection, though, I can remember him – from time to time - dismissing her choices, her emotions. Mainly, I think, because they made him so uncomfortable. And the thing is, he wasn’t an unkind or selfish man. It was just the way he was, the way society was when he grew up, and sadly, often, the way it still is today. Women are still taught that our emotions, our likes and dislikes, our “ways” are slightly crazy, not quite rational, defective, and easily dismissed.

Decades ago, I contracted dengue fever on a business trip to the Philippines, though symptoms did not develop till I was back in NZ. My wonderful GP picked up on it, and tested me for dengue and malaria immediately. I thought she was crazy. Weeks went by and I tried to get back to work, but was still having a lot of time out. Then I got the phone call that confirmed my dengue fever. (It’s so rare in NZ that it took four weeks – or thereabouts – for the tests to come through.) My boss made the comment that he had started to think it was all in my head. Would he have said that of any of his male staff members? A few years later, one of my colleagues also contracted it in Asia, where he was living at the time. Of course, there they tested him for dengue immediately, admitted him to hospital, gave him lots of fluids, and he had a speedy recovery. But the care and concern given by that same boss and all the other staff was dramatically different to their reaction to my illness. My illness was dismissed as psychological, rather than serious, simply because I was a woman. (And I might add, extremely stoical about the whole thing! Turns out period aches and pains are similar to the bone-breaking aches and pains of dengue fever.)

These double standards are carried over in all areas. A few years ago it was reported that a study at Otago University said that they found no real evidence that emotional disturbances are caused by PMT. The researcher explained that women are conditioned to dismiss any strong emotions around the time of their period as PMT. Any concerns they raise at this time are often seen as invalid, because they are supposedly hormonally driven. Yet in fact, women have similar feelings and reactions across their entire cycle. It’s just that we, and our men, are conditioned to dismiss any strong emotions at “that time of the month.” (I don’t know how convinced I am by this, “conditioned” as I am. Especially as I saw the dramatic difference in my temperament before and after HRT.) I know that over the years, almost nothing has made me angrier than when my husband would dismiss a concern I raised simply because it was “that time of the month.” Or these days, the equivalent is, “have you been taking your HRT?” The comment is only ever defensive, and fortunately 99% of the time he doesn’t think that way, but occasionally (once or twice a year?) he slips back into his conditioning. Or maybe HIS hormones are out of kilter the few times he reverts to this gaslighting?

Dealing with infertility, or coming to terms with our no kidding lives, is no different. When we’re told to “get over it” or that we’re “dwelling on our issue” or “too sensitive” or “self-pitying,” I wonder if that is simply a discomfort with our emotions, or whether it is actually just another example of misogynistic “gaslighting” in action. What I do know is that it is both unkind, and particularly painful to hear. By dismissing our emotions and feelings of loss over infertility and the life we now have, we are being told our feelings are not important. Or worse, that we are selfish, or lucky, and should be quiet! That is hard enough to deal with normally. But when we are now living lives that some people feel – just because we don’t have children – are less important, it reinforces that feeling of invisibility, of worthlessness, that so many childless women have to battle against.

I’ve found though, that the older I get, the better fortified I am to defend myself. Because of the writing I do here, and reading all sorts of other No Kidding writers, I have statistics, evidence, facts, to legitimise my feelings. (I wish I didn’t have to, but we all know the pronatalist, patriarchal society we live in.) It is easier to stand up for myself. But I know too that it can be very difficult for childless women (in particular) to have their losses, their experiences, their very lives dismissed. It’s difficult to be told that they’re over-reacting or super-sensitive all the time – by friends, family, and the men in our lives. In many ways, it is misogyny taken to an extreme. Very sadly, this dismissal of our feelings is something we have in common with women all over the world, whether infertile or not, whether childless or not. It’s 2024. Women have legitimate thoughts and feelings. Even childless cat ladies! It’s time society accepted that.