No Kidding 2020 Project: Day 20 - Celebrate

When you think about living a life that was not your first choice, you might find it odd that I encourage you to Celebrate. But synonyms of celebrate include mark, commemorate and honour. I know many of my fellow No Kidding bloggers have reached this stage in their lives too.

But many of you who might be just saying good-bye to your hopes of building a family will be aghast at the idea of celebrating the end of their dream. I am not suggesting that’s what you should celebrate at all. We need to remember to be kind to ourselves when we fail. But we should also praise our achievements, and congratulate ourselves, not just for the big things, but for getting through life – for each time we recognise progress, or realise we did something hard, or wince and move on when something hurts or someone said something hurtful, or speak up against stereotypes, or remind people of our situation, etc. And as time passes, I think we all realise that there is, in fact, much to celebrate.

• Celebrate surviving a long, hard, and disappointing quest that did not deliver what we wanted.
• Celebrate our resilience, and our ability to adapt to new situations and make the best of them.
• Celebrate our hope for something new.
• Celebrate the progress we have made since the time we first knew that we would be living a No Kidding life.
• Celebrate that we kept taking all those tiny, small and often painful steps towards healing.
• Celebrate the relationships we have that have come through this.
• Celebrate the relationship we have with ourselves!
• Celebrate the wisdom we have developed, and the people we have become.
• Celebrate your new life.
• Celebrate the unexpected joys.
• Celebrate the networks you have built or are building amongst women who are not mothers.
• Celebrate all those other women who are blogging and writing and working to help us all know we are not alone, and to try to change the world to make it easier to navigate.
• Celebrate!

I also celebrate all my much-loved readers who motivate, encourage and support me here on No Kidding in NZ, who write me little notes, who challenge me to think about other perspectives, and keep me going.

And today, I’m also celebrating the 20th post and end of my 2020 Blogging Project, where I’ve laid out a path to healing, looking at the key areas that helped me move from that day when I first knew, definitively, that I would never have children, never be a mother, never make my husband a father. It has made me think about the process, about what helped, about what was hard. Thanks for reading along with me!

And next week, No Kidding in NZ will resume normal transmission. See you back here. I hope that's cause to celebrate too.

No Kidding 2020 Project: Day 15 - Admit

Admit. It’s a small word. A simple concept. We require admission from others, but often forget to require it ourselves. But after we’ve asked our own questions, it is time to admit the answers, or even just admit the truths of our situation, to ourselves at least. Being honest with ourselves, without debate, without recrimination or self-blame, is an enormous step towards a happy and healthy No Kidding life.

We all have different things to admit to ourselves. Or I do at least. We all have stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes it is worth questioning those, as I pointed out last week, and then admitting the truth. Because admitting the truth helps our acceptance. If we’re not telling ourselves the truth, we’re not finding full acceptance.

What might we need to admit when discovering our No Kidding lives?

Perhaps we need to admit that maybe we’ve been clinging on to hope that things will be different. Perhaps we need to admit that we’ve felt comfort in the grief and the what-ifs, and have stayed there too long. Perhaps we need to admit that looking to the future is scary, and admit that we don’t want to do it.

Perhaps we need to admit that we genuinely didn’t know that it would be so hard to face, that we thought infertility and loss and the uncertainty was the hardest thing. Perhaps we need to admit that the loss of hope, and the need to turn away from that hope, is harder than we could ever have imagined. Perhaps we need to admit that the end has been harder than anything we’ve faced so far. Or perhaps we need to admit that maybe, for us, it has not been.

Perhaps we just need to admit that we feel lost and alone, and that we need help. Perhaps we need to admit that we need to know we’ll be okay. Perhaps we need to admit that we don’t think we will be okay. That we are scared. Or lonely. Or both. Perhaps we need to admit that we need to know someone understands. Perhaps we need to admit that we expect far too much of ourselves.

Or perhaps we need to admit that we are doing okay, and that this isn’t the nightmare scenario we had led ourselves to believe. Perhaps we need to admit that we might feel some relief at the end of the journey. Perhaps we need to admit that we like our lives.

And perhaps we need to admit that we are not infallible. That we can experience and admit all these thoughts and feelings and truths of our lives, and that there will be contradictions. We can admit that it is never all good, but that also means that it is never all bad. That it is okay to slip, have ouch moments and down days. That things will bother us. That our growth will be a gradual process. That sometimes we will feel like we’re taking one step forward and two steps back. Perhaps we can admit all that, but still know we will be okay. Admitting that is a major achievement!

It’s an ongoing process too. Just this morning I admitted something to myself I didn’t really want to know. I’m questioning how true it is, but the admission has been useful. I just need to figure out how to deal with it.

There’s a freedom in admitting the truth to ourselves. Sure, initially it can be painful. But in admitting who we are or who we are not, what works or doesn’t work for us, we learn more about how we can get the best from ourselves, how we can get the best from others, and from whatever it is that the world offers us. It means too that we’re not hiding – at least to ourselves – the truth. That relieves us of a sometimes heavy burden, and gives us time and space and clarity to more freely navigate the future. 

What do you need to admit to yourself?

No Kidding 2020 Project: Day 1 - Show Up

In the words of Adriene, who inspired this project, the simple act of showing up means you are half-way there. Showing up in No Kidding terms means you recognise your infertility journey is over, or might be over soon. That’s why you’re here. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to be ready to move on. You don't even have to acknowledge it out loud. But you're here. You're reading. So just note that fact, and note how you’re feeling about it. Honestly. Without kidding yourself. That’s your reality at the moment. 

By showing up, you’re acknowledging that the quest to build a family is ending (or maybe it never began), and that a new journey is about to begin. By showing up – here, or on other blogs/websites /Instagram/social media pages or simply to yourself – you are trying to find others who might ease the way. You’re saying you want to be okay – even if right now you don’t believe it is possible. Well, be proud of yourself. Because showing up is halfway to healing. It’s rejecting the denials and the “never give up” exhortations that we see elsewhere, and that work for some, but never for others. It is moving forward into a new life.

And for those of us who have been around for a while, showing up regularly is still important for us too. Or it is for me at least. Not only does it help me to help others, but I know that I need to acknowledge my life honestly, my flaws and my virtues. Doing this will, I hope, help me continue to grow and understand and accept the totality of a No Kidding life. The downs and the ups. And that way, I am sure, lies peace.