Thinking about life when you're childless

In recent conversations over the last few weeks, I have been reminded how readily my husband and I think and talk about ageing, about the natural progression of life (and death), about infirmity and about dying. And I have been surprised by how others do not do this.

In particular, we know we have been forced to think about this in two ways. Firstly, we couldn’t ignore the realities of ageing because we did the bulk of the elder care of his parents, watched their decline week by week by week over 20-30 years, and inevitably recognised that we too would be largely unable to avoid this. It always surprises me how many people aren’t willing to confront this, who think by exercising and keeping healthy they will avoid all the health problems that may crop up in their 70s and 80s, if not earlier. They are in denial, because they don’t want to face the fact that almost all of us will, if we’re lucky enough to survive to old age, have to deal with physical or mental decline. Of course, one of the reasons we were responsible for so much of the elder care was our No Kidding situation. We had no excuses for not visiting, for “not having the time” to care for the elderly parents, to think that a letter or Skype call once a month was sufficient to keep the relationship going.

Secondly, we can’t ignore the realities of ageing because if we don’t plan for our future, no-one will. We can’t rely on children, or even nearby nieces or nephews, because we don’t have any close by. We can’t ignore these issues, of not thinking about where we might want to end up, especially not if we want any sort of choice in the matter, and if we want to avoid the distress and fear we have observed in other elderly people who leave everything too late. Yet our guest seemed to be more concerned about where we would end up when we are dead (ie our ashes), than when we are still alive but in need of help. It is bizarre.

I confronted him about it, mentioning that his inaction might limit his choices when he does need help, that by not thinking about things he was – consciously or unconsciously – deciding to leave the burden on his children, and that it was quite selfish to do so. I also pointed out we didn’t have the luxury of doing this. And now that he knows, it is no longer an unconscious choice he is making to ignore his old age.

He does not even have a Will – can you believe that? He must think he is immortal! We’re not perfect. We know we need to update our Will. And after these conversations, I’m keen to do that early in the New Year.

Ultimately, being childless has forced us to think about these things. Ectopic pregnancies forced me to confront my own mortality, and doing so has brought me some peace. Accepting the randomness of life has made me accepting of whatever may befall us. And the ease of having compassion for others, knowing how easily misfortune can occur to anyone, and knowing that judgement often comes through ignorance and an inability to put  ourselves in other people’s shoes.

Learning to enjoy the little things in life, to feel gratitude, to continue to learn, to try to improve myself, all these things will make my life easier as I age, as they make my life easier now, and as they were a result of infertility and loss and survival. I am not kidding about any of life’s inevitabilities. I’m glad about that. I’m at peace. Whereas this person who wants for nothing materially, who has children and a wife and friends, is uncharacteristically ill at ease with his age and afraid of the future. Maybe, the grass is not always greener on the other side.