Ageing out of Childless Perks

I'm a member of a social media group called "Childless Perks." This is not a group for the always childfree, but for those of us who might have tried to have or wanted children, and have had to adapt to the life we didn't know we would have. And in that we have looked for the joys in that life, the benefits, advantages, gifts, and perks. I've written a whole series on this, as many of my readers know, that you can find by clicking here. And I have always been determined to embrace the benefits of my life, at the same time facing the realities of not having children.

The thing is, many of the perks that I used to think about are largely irrelevant now that I am older. On a daily basis, my life is not much different to those friends of mine who have children. We all share in these gifts of life at our stage of life: 

• We can all sleep in whenever we like.
• We can all be spontaneous because we have no-one dependent on us (except for those of us who might be caring for elderly relatives) 
• We can all eat what we want, when we want, and we can drink wine and not have to care for children or pick up a teenager from a party/social outing etc afterwards
• We can all go to adults only destinations  
• We can all travel outside of school holidays (except for the poor, dedicated teachers among us), 
• We are all (or will soon be) free of financial burdens, such as school/university fees, sports expenses/music or dance lessons, etc.
• Et cetera 

So I see posts about these "perks" on this social media group, and I am speechless. Especially at the moment. I struggle to name a gift of my childless life that those with children don't share. Rather, it is the opposite.  

Right now, I see others who are ill being supported and wrapped in comfort by their children. (Even though I know they'd rather the children don't have to do it). 

I face a future on my own - not in the immediate short term, but certainly when I am older. So I need to prepare for that, without children to help, to comfort, to be in my life. (And yes, I know that is not guaranteed even if I had had children, but complete isolation from children is not common),

A now-single friend said to me recently that her children are her world. With her parents now gone, and in one sentence, she discounted everyone else in her life. Even though I know she loves and values her friends. But of course I know friends are always secondary - I know that from direct experience, but also because I am not a complete idiot! So I wonder, what does she think my world consists of? Yes, my husband, of course. And I acknowledge how lucky I am to have someone I like being with, and can still converse with about all sorts of things. But long term? Is my world empty? 

Anyway, as I'm writing this, I have discovered one perk that still applies! I was chatting with someone earlier, and I talked about something being romantic. She noted that she and her husband can only talk for about 15 minutes on a "romantic" date, and then start complaining or worrying about her (adult) kids. We've never been able to or felt we had to centre our entire conversation around children, and so my husband and I can quite happily go on a three-month trip, let alone a three-hour date, still have plenty to talk about, and not get tired of each other! 

So even when I feel quite gloomy, I am glad I can still find a gift in my childless life.

 

 

Disrupted plans

I started blogging here when I was at least seven years past learning I would never ever have children. I'd done a lot of grieving, expressed some of my feelings online with friends in a restricted space. I've never done the full emotional download onto my blog that some others have done. And now I know my blog is connected to my own, real name - as connected as I feel to Mali, who has been my online persona since 2006.

I remember some years ago seeing someone say (online, not one of my beloved bloggers) that their plan for their childless old age was to stay healthy. At the time I remember thinking (and writing here) that that wasn't a plan, it was just putting their head in the sand. My parents lived fit and healthy lives, but the ends of their lives were difficult. Genes and cancer had other ideas. Looking at them, I knew I needed to plan. I know now how right I was.

I just thought I'd have a few more years before they were necessary. My husband and I are going through some pretty serious health stuff right now. It's caused me to realise that even my relatively cautious plans have now been blown out of the water. I'm going to take a step back from No Kidding in NZ. I'll still blog, but just not every week. Because there's a lot going on in my head at the moment, and I don't want to write it all down for public consumption. And it's hard thinking of topics to write about when my every thought is about another issue. 

But living in the moment helps. Finding joy in a lovely day, good food, a joke. I wrote about it in my 2020 Healing series, and Gifts of Infertility under Mindfulness. It helps each day pass. I don't apologise for the repetition.

 

Ageing without children: Self-motivation needed

I have been thinking a lot about ageing without children recently.So far, I've talked a good game, but haven't done very much. I need to work on my to-do list. I'm still young enough that I don't have to have done anything major just yet, but a recent conversation has inspired me to get cracking! Here's an update on previous posts:

Making a Will that I am relaxed about with still hasn't eventuated. We made Wills before our trip to Europe last year, and they are okay. We changed quite a few things, and had a number of deep conversations and made different decisions than ten years earlier. But it still feels a bit piecemeal. We really need to settle on something we can live with (or, more accurately, die with) for the next five or ten years. It's really hard when some members of our family don't need any money, and one or two others do. It's difficult too when we actually want to make a difference in the wider community, and in the medical research community, but can't really decide where or how. A quandary.

I know I need to think about a Power of Attorney. But aside from the Husband, I don't really want anyone else making decisions about me! I know that's not realistic, and I know I could write something like a living Will. But how likely is it that people will follow it? Sigh. Chalk it up as still on the list.

Downsizing our lives is much higher on my list now than it was a few years ago. There are a lot of things to do before we move - we have major maintenance to do, and want to finish off a few other jobs around the place. But it is something I'm much more aware of. I need to look around for where we might live, get an idea how we can downsize. Our current place is three-four bedrooms, and quite large. We've lived here since the 1990s, and whilst we've cleaned out quite a lot of things over the years that we no longer need or want (eg university papers, etc), there's a lot more that needs to be done. I did some decluttering last year, and felt good about it. So I'm hoping I can get into that some more this year too. But the frugality I was raised with, and my resultant need to keep things that might be useful in the future, means that I struggle a little with this.

On the bright side though, I'm not really acquiring new things, unless they are replacements. I'm wearing a T-shirt today that I just realised is over ten years old, and yet I think of it as relatively new. Sure, I have newer T-shirts. Yes, we want a new TV, and need new armchairs. But I don't feel the need to shop. I find that quite liberating. Yes, I like new things. Yes, I will buy new things if I need them, and get pleasure from that (if I can find something I like). And no, I don't want to be like my MIL who, in her late 60s, told me that at her age she shouldn't buy new things. She lived for another almost 30 years! But I'm not establishing myself or my house either. So I can be much more picky about what I spend money on, and what takes up space in my house. I like that. 

I think we will need an interim place - somewhere without stairs, and more manageable than a section on a hill with lots of greenery - for the next ten years. I'm starting to think about where that might be, and how we might live. We survived for three months in one bedroom apartments, but I think we need something slightly bigger. But we don't need a house this size. And we need to clean it out long before it becomes too hard. 

Ultimately, the plan is maybe to move into an assisted living facility. I've read some No Kidding bloggers who are horrified at the prospect. I'm not. (I think I can see another post coming about this.) Hopefully, we will still be able to afford to do that. Prices are rising rapidly, and our income is not. Trump-induced stock market falls do not help retirement savings! At the same time, we want to continue to travel. So we're being quite frugal in our day to day lives. I like to think that a few dollars saved on my groceries somehow compensates for a three month trip overseas! Yes, I'm delusional!

Finally, building my social network is slow. I'm socialising with friends regularly, but still haven't joined any groups to extend my friendship circle. Yep, like everything else, that's still on my list.

Please forgive the repetition. I think I use these posts as motivation to actually get things done! Let's hope it works.

Elder care for the No Kidding

I just had a lovely long seaside lunch with a friend. The sky was blue, the waves startling white as they broke, and the kite surfers were relishing the brisk breeze. (I've just had to wash the sand off my face!) I enjoyed a delicious "bliss bowl" and coffee, and we talked and talked. Connections are so important! One of the many topics we covered was elder care, as her last parent is now in a hospital-level care facility. She knows about everything we went through with my mother and my in-laws too.

After The Guardian article (also mentioned here by Loribeth) discussing the UK system for health and care of the elderly, I thought it might be useful to talk about the situation in NZ. According to the article, in the UK "... one in 10 people over 60 don’t have children, but for the over-50s that figure jumps to roughly one in five." It also notes that "older people who don’t have children to help look after them are 25% more likely to need to go into a nursing* home ..."  These are frightening statistics, but also useful ones - for politicians and policy makers and government planners, of course, but also for the No Kidding population. As I've often said, forethought and knowledge can give us an advantage when planning for our old age.

In New Zealand, assisted living care is available, and paid for if your income/assets fall under a particular threshold. At the moment, because of limited facilities and cost, the government focuses on providing assistance to the elderly in their own homes. Both my mother and in-laws had government-supplied assistance. My mother had weekly shopping visits provided, daily welfare checks, and could get minor cleaning and chores done. My father-in-law had similar assistance, with daily welfare checks and physical assistance. Things we didn't even know about were prompted by the assessment process. Household aids - implements to help get out of bed, stools for the shower, etc - were supplied free of charge. There was even day-care for the elderly - when they could be picked up (and dropped off later) and taken to a facility where there would be company and activities for them. Further assistance was available, from welfare checks multiple times a day, through to cleaning services etc. The level of help supplied was based on need, both financial and physical/mental. 

Doctors (GPs) play an important role in this, kick-starting the assessment processes (both physical and cognitive) that then lead to offers of assistance, or the recommendation that the elderly person needs to move to in-house assisted living. All this help was most gratefully received by us all. It meant we didn't have to (as my mother used to fear) "bundle them into an old people's home" before it was necessary/they were ready. My in-laws were adamant they wanted to stay in their own home, even when they knew it was going to be difficult or unwise, but they were able to do so because of this help. (And because of us too!) And as far as the government is concerned, it is a simple economic equation. All this assistance is usually still cheaper** than paying for someone to live in an assisted-care facility. 

Personally, I didn't know all this assistance was available. For any NZers reading, I hope there is some comfort in knowing that we are not completely alone when the time comes that we might need extra help. However, in reality, the system is set up so that the children of the elderly person still need to be major players in ensuring their parents' general well-being. It's one thing receiving this help and having it available. It is another if the elderly have to cope with the health system on their own. Advocates for the elderly are usually their children or a younger relative. Professional advocates could be wonderful - if they existed in NZ - but it would be a role that could lead to elder abuse by less scrupulous members of society. 

My friend revealed plans to build a small house on her daughter's land for her retirement, and joked that there could be a "Mali and Husband" house appear in a few years next to them! That sounds like a nice idea, especially as it will be harder to have such enjoyable long lunches as we age and driving to meet up becomes more difficult. Oh, the conversations*** we could have if we lived next door to each other! But the reality is that we will probably need to have our affairs sorted more cleanly. Writing this is yet another reminder to me to put in writing all our wishes for our waning years, and to think about timing more carefully too. 

Facing our elderly years is not easy for anyone, let alone those of us without children. We hope our savings will ensure we can be looked after. If not, the government will have to do it, though it will be far from luxurious. We're lucky that this is a possibility. But I think the best thing is that we are aware of what is available, and what we will need to think about doing before we are completely infirm. That might be ensuring our documents are all in order, or disposing of most of our private possessions, or a myriad other things. I know I've written about this before, but it is something I think about regularly. That's the greatest gift I can give myself as a childless person - being prepared, rather than being caught in a panic, or waiting till I am confused and befuddled. (Or more so than I already am! lol) I've seen the elderly who don't plan or think ahead. I do not want that to be me.

And in the meantime, I intend to live life to its fullest. Even if that means finishing this blogpost, and going downstairs for a nap on the couch in the sun (still catching up on lost sleep over the Olympics). 

* this is not really a phrase we use in NZ. 

** although part of the reason for this is the criminally low rates paid to the usually kind, devoted elder care workers. Thank goodness too for immigration, which boosts the numbers of carers available as our population ages.

*** with shared family histories of dementia, we once joked to our husbands that when we are old, they can put us in the same care home, and we can tell each other the same stories over and over again, and we'll be none the wiser!

Monday Miscellany: No Kidding Version

Well, after finally posting about Otherhood last week, what happened this week but my copy of the book arrived. Yay! I have yet to read all the essays. (I have one or two time-urgent tasks to complete before I can delve into it. Though I'll need to do that before the launch next week!) Trying to decide whether I publicise this on my non-No Kidding social media accounts. I think I will, but it's always a risk. 

Today is the first day of the second term of school for this academic year in New Zealand. That meant the cafes and open spaces and beaches were all free of school age kids, and those of us who don't have them could relish the ease of getting tables, and the lower noise volumes and serenity of kid-free spaces. It helped that today is a gorgeous, if cool, autumn day. A lovely day to be out and enjoying the views of our lovely city. 

A second thought. It's not that seeing kids in a cafe or beach or walking track or at the supermarket bothers me. These days I don't feel pangs when I see them. It's just that they are naturally more boisterous, get in the way more often, take up more room. That's fine when they're kids I know and love and want to spend time with. But otherwise, life is easier for me when they're at school. I'm sure empty nesters and adults who haven't yet had children feel the same. At the beachside cafe, there were tables of older women chatting and enjoying themselves. Maybe they'd spent the last two weeks babysitting their grandkids, or like me, just appreciated the quiet, beautiful day. My pleasure in child-free spaces may well be shared by many of those who have children and grand-children too. We are not alone in this.

I read an almost-heated discussion between No Kidding women on a Fbk group this morning. One said that however difficult having children was, it didn't compare to the isolation and sadness of being childless not by choice, especially when ageing. Another person said that many people with children don't have the company or support of their kids when they are ageing. And that if we expect to be sad and alone, whether we have children or not, we are more likely to feel like that. I didn't engage. I feel as if the truth for me might be somewhere in the middle, leaning towards the more positive end of the spectrum. I make a point of enjoying the benefits of not having children (see above), because otherwise I'm just making myself miserable. But I'm not blind to the difficulties that may face me. I feel compassion for those who dwell on their situation, wishing it could be different, not realising that we can in fact learn to control some of what we think and feel. I think that's one of the biggest gifts of going through loss and childlessness. It doesn't mean I find it easy. But knowing I don't have to be filled with regret, but can embrace and enjoy my life, can bring a lot of comfort.

Monday Miscellany: An Ageing without Children Version

I recently saw someone posting on an ageing without children forum talking about their health and fitness regime as a means of protection for their old age. This wasn't the first time I've seen the argument for taking care of our health and staying as fit as we can for as long as we can. It's a good message, except when it is seen as a solution for the issues those of us without children face when we are old. It's so short-sighted. We can do everything right, and still fall ill. My mother and my in-laws and several friends are examples of healthy living and good exercise, and still being affected by poor health. None of us have total control over that. Things happen. We need to be prepared ... before it is too late! It’s always a good reminder for me to think about the changes needed to my lifestyle, and the timing of these changes, to prepare for infirmity. Of course, Inertia is a huge force for so many of us. I’m particularly vulnerable to it, and to its brother, Procrastination! But we can’t afford to leave it too late. Don't stick your head in the sand and think you'll never get old or sick!

Also, here’s a gripe about the person boasting about her healthy lifestyle. She was effectively humble bragging. and by implying that this is a potential solution comes dangerously close to blaming those who do have health problems. The ignorance of this! So many of us who have been through infertility understand that this attitude is not only incorrect and unfair, but harmful. Did I say anything on the aforementioned forum? No, I didn’t want them to feel I was criticising them. But maybe I should.

In another conversation with a friend who is childfree (by choice), she was bemoaning her husband’s unwillingness to adopt new technologies. He barely uses a smartphone. He doesn’t have children to help him, and he needs to be able to adapt. I’m already appalled at the way government agencies think that technology is the solution to everything, ignoring the fact that many of those who are now retired have spent much of their lives without relying on technology. Learning new things isn’t always easy as you get older, and retaining that information is difficult. I watched my FIL, an early adopter with a personal computer in his house from the 1980s. But by the time he was in his late 80s and early 90s, he was forgetting how to use this technology, let alone being able to update his knowledge. Coupled with loss of sight, he was reliant on us. My friend’s husband risks being left behind, finding himself in even more distress than he already is when he sees friends constantly reach for their phones!

Again, I hear people say that having children keeps you young. Maybe it does – parents know what music their kids are listening to, maybe what websites they’re checking out, etc. But they are so much more aware of the passage of time too. Whereas I don’t have children reminding me how old and out of touch I am! But, as I’ve mentioned before here I’m sure, the parents I know also rely on their kids to teach them about new technology. They’re not very good at adapting to life online, which is both our reality now, and almost definitely our futures. I’m regularly called on by a friend to help her figure out what she wants to do. (I recently had to explain substack after younger people were recommending it to her. “It’s nothing that new,” I said. “Essentially it’s just a blogging platform.”) She makes me feel younger - she’s 10 years younger than me anyway – and more connected!

Any Ageing without Children issues raised around you lately?

Monday Miscellany: Another No Kidding Version

• I was chatting with an old friend yesterday (just to clarify, she is one I’ve known for 44 years, not an OLD friend, even though we are of course, both getting older), and mentioned I needed to write a post for this blog. She is also living a No Kidding life. She commented that for years, people would try to convince her to have children. That she needed to have kids so she would have someone to look after her in her old age. Aside from the obvious, that this is no guarantee of having care, she noted that this attitude is completely selfish. I totally agree. I’ve seen it in practice. There wasn’t always a lot of gratitude, the reliance on the children made the elderly feel very vulnerable. Whereas if plans had been made, and put into action, they would have actually had more control over their lives in their last years. Another reminder to us all.

• I’m again thinking about the carbon emissions of travel. We tend to go on longer trips, so that we have fewer long haul flights. I was thinking about Taylor Swift flying back and forth from Japan to see her boyfriend play some apparently-important game in the US. Then I thought of a family of teenagers and adults I know that is flying for four hours to Melbourne to see Taylor Swift’s concert. Then they fly home after only a day or two. It made me feel – if not wholesome, then at least much less guilty about international travel. Having children really does massively increase a person’s carbon footprint.

• So it’s getting real. I mentioned a while ago I have an essay included in an anthology that is coming out this year, called Otherhood. In fact, it’s just in a few months, in early May. Here’s a totally permitted sneak peek at the cover. I’ll give more information then, but I know they're publishing in paper and ebooks. There's an insta page - https://www.instagram.com/otherhood.book/ and I'm quoted in their first post there. It can also be found on Goodreads too, to add it to your to-read list.
  
  
• I love the blurb on the back. It encompasses us all, and emphasises the need for "a more inclusive conversation about what makes a fulfilling life."
  

 

 

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Childless Role Models and Ageing

Sue Fagalde Lick over at Childless By Marriage has posted about role models, and – in preparation for a Childless Elderwomen discussion – asks whether her readers had role models, and if so who they were, and how they were role models for the childless. I started to respond, realised I was writing a post, and so here I am!

The plethora of writing and blogging and podcasts and insta accounts and Fbk groups and and webinars/zoom chats all came too late for me. I went through the transition from trying to conceive to accepting being childless largely on my own. I had a few friends who don’t have children – some by choice, some not, some in real life, some internet friends – and that helped me feel less alone. They were my supports, rather than role models. I knew of well-known women who had chosen not to have children, but very few if any who were open about not being able to have children. An elderly in-law aunt and uncle were really the only people I knew who didn’t have children despite wanting them. They travelled a lot and were interested in things going on in the community, but were mocked by some of their sisters for other quirks. So I never thought of them as role models, and we never talked about it with them. Twenty or so years ago, no-one talked about it – in public, or even in private, with me. Oh, except one woman who was temping at my work. I’d almost forgotten her. She talked about how hard it had been, but how she was happy ten years later in her 50s. I can’t even remember if I had told her about our situation, because at the time I was a) still trying to conceive, and b) was very very private about it.

I did find two books – one was Sweet Grapes, but I can’t remember the other – but they were of little help. Sweet Grapes talked about the idea that since they weren’t trying to have children any more, they were no longer infertile. I remember trying to embrace the idea, but being unable to. I did not feel that way yet. I still don’t really. So I had no role models. No-one I could relate to who had tried to have children, didn’t, and was happy anyway.

So in those years of coming to terms with not being able to have children, I had no-one I could look to as a role model. By necessity, I was figuring it all out myself, chatting occasionally to one or two who were in a similar situation through our ectopic message board. I had to – by necessity – establish my own identity, encompassing the childless part, but not allowing it to dominate all of who I am. It was hard work, and required a lot of thought and heartache, years before I even began blogging over thirteen years ago, and long before Pamela and Jody and others started building the childless community. Actually, I’m grateful I was able to do that, even though it was lonely, and really hard. I didn’t want to be given a stereotype of how I should be – I had resisted the stereotypes for girls and women for so many years after all. So it was very important to me to figure out who I am, what I value in life and in myself, what being childless was going to be like for me. As Sarahg said to me many years ago, even knowing what needed to be done, I still had to do it myself.

That is why I have blogged, why I grit my teeth and accept requests to speak out or write articles, etc, under my own name. I do it so that others can see that they're not alone, and that they will be okay. And it is why I am now talking more frequently about ageing. It's not to be a role model - other than perhaps to help others feel okay about figuring out who they are too. We’re all different. I love to travel, to write, to think and talk about these issues. Others don’t. I have a friend in a similar situation who rarely mentions it, never even told her family, but lives a busy, happy life, filled with love and nieces and nephews and friends and young colleagues she inspires. Her motto is “the purpose of life is to enjoy it.” I love that. There’s no one way to get through this, other than to decide that we will. And if, in doing that, we become role models for others, then that is wonderful. It can be on a small scale, like my friend, or on a global scale, like Jody Day and Pamela Tsigdinos and others who are ensuring that our community is heard.

The online childless community was only just coming into being fifteen years or so, as blogging boomed and social media saw the development of online communities and relationships. And so discussions of ageing without children, or of having No Kidding role models, is relatively new. Because the focus has often been on those going through the initial hard years of grief and adjustment. Rightly. Thankfully, now, there are plenty of wonderful role models out there now for those going through this very difficult transition – so many of my blog readers are now role models themselves, as well as Pamela and Jody and Sue and many more.

But for those of us who are ageing, there are few role models. I certainly don’t have any who are years ahead of me, who can show me the way. But you know, I’m okay with this. I want to figure it out myself, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m talking about it here when I can, often writing to find out what I think. I do it both because it helps me, and because I think that women in their 60s and beyond who speak out now might help flag issues for the rest of the community. We are losing parents, adjusting to the idea of ageing, knowing what ageing is like at all stages of old age, and becoming aware of issues many are only just beginning to think about. Some are themselves facing issues that I might not yet have faced, or might be thinking about, and that younger readers have put in the “I’ll think about it when I need to” or the “Not Necessary Yet” box. Some will have answers. Others will not, or will just raise more questions. That’s okay. What is important is that we are all having the discussion.

The Childless Childless Elderwomen will be discussing role models on 20 December (Europe/US time). To get the link, register here. I’ve just done it.