Right now, I find myself in a situation where I need to call on all the things I've learned through infertility and loss and childlessness over the years. Someone I know well has a major surgery next week. It's one with considerable risks, and those risks are not happy ones or ones that can be brushed aside. It's not just a case of "every surgery has risks" because it is "this specific surgery has risks." It's just that it has to be done. There's no real option.
They seem to be rather gloomy about it. That's understandable. Their partner doesn't sound very sympathetic, and is in fact, frustrated by the gloom. I guess that's understandable too, for different reasons.
I'm having to remember:
- to listen to the person
- to let them feel what they want to feel
- to tell them I wish them the best, and that I am hoping for a great outcome
- to contact them more regularly, just to chat
- to offer support to their partner and family too.
This is one of the weird gifts of being through other tough times. We know what doesn't help. We know that dismissing our feelings can be really hurtful. We know that people who say, "it'll be fine" really don't have a clue! We know that silence, because we don't know what to say, is isolating and lonely and selfish. We know that it isn't about us, but them.
Wish me luck in remembering all the lessons I've learned.
That sounds like a very difficult situation, and you are an amazing friend to be thinking so much about how you can help and what you can avoid that you know from experience will not help. Oh my gosh, your second-to-last point -- call just to chat. That is such a good one. I wish you luck, and I hope your friend has a good outcome. You're going to do great, you have SuperEmpathy!
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