Happily Ever After

Hands up who likes romance novels? I confess .... I rarely read them. In fact, I can’t remember when I last did. Oh wait, I read some of the Bridgerton novels after the first series of the Netflix show. Though I view that as more of a research effort than as a fan reading the books! (For the record, I’m a fan of the TV series, not a fan of the books.) But I like the fact that a happy ending is guaranteed. The one thing that is common in all romance novels is the Happily Ever After. And that’s something we all need.

A romance novelist herself, Steff Green (who writes as Steffanie Holmes) wrote an essay in Otherhood about the pressure – from society, the romance industry and the readers themselves – that demands that the Happily Ever After includes marriage and babies. In her essay "More Schlongs, more cats," she points out all the changes* in romance novels over the years, but finds that the insistence remains that traditional marriage and babies is the only possible Happily Ever After

It is changing, but so slowly. We've all seen that. It feels to me that there's almost more pressure on young women in the last decade to confirm and have children than there was in the 1990s, when I was subject to some of this pressure. It distresses me, not only because of the pain it causes those who wanted them, but because it doesn't allow young women the valid choice to not have children, or tell a story that a life without children is legitimate, equal in value, and happy.

Yes, some people get the traditional happily ever after, and it's perfect for them. But so many don't. They can't afford children, can't have them, or have other responsibilities that would make it difficult or impossible. They might not find the right partner and not want to go it alone, or they find the right one who doesn't want children, or doesn't want to do assisted reproduction or adopt. Or the partner they thought was right turns out not to be, even after the children arrived, and results in struggles for years. The concept of a Happily Ever After doesn't allow for sleepless nights, marriage breakdowns, ill children, tragedies, financial difficulties, or in other words, normal life.

But there is not just one Happily Ever After. Life is not that conformist, not that rigid, and not that unkind, even if many of our societies want us to think that way. I know plenty of No Kidding people with thriving careers, great relationships (from both before and after childlessness), alternative lifestyles, interesting hobbies, satisfying volunteer roles, contented lives, etc. I'm one of them. In my professional and private life, I was the most satisfied, the happiest, when I was doing a mix of volunteering, challenging and varied professional roles, and personal travel. This was some 5-10 years after my last loss. Even today, post job loss/covid/health difficulties, there's very little to complain about, and those are almost all privileged problems. If this is my Happily Ever After, then it's pretty damn good!

Contentment, happiness, and fulfilment are possible after trauma and loss, even thought it often feels impossible at the outset. There iss a rainbow at the end of the storm. And a Happily Ever After pot of gold, if we look for it.

Happily Ever After. It looks different for everyone. It's about time society figured that out.

 

 

* hence the reference, “more schlongs”

Administrative Note: I’ve noticed that many of my links in previous posts now seem broken. I don’t know how this has happened, but I’m trying to fix them when I find them. Bear with me, or please, point them out when you find them. I’ll be in your debt.