Parenting ourselves

One of the losses we have when we can’t have children is knowing what kind of parents we would have been. What we might have copied from our own parents, and what we would have done differently. Perhaps importantly, we want to have a chance to think about what our own parents did, what we wish they did instead, and how we might have adjusted that for our own kids, had we had any.

Yes, there are many experiences and knowledge that I wanted to pass on to my children. Good memories that I would love to recreate. And of course, no parents are perfect. I wish my parents had done some things differently. But I have been able to recognise how hard they tried, and how they did the best they could at the time, with the knowledge they had at the time. Looking at their lives this way gives me a lot of peace, and allows me to appreciate the many positives of my childhood, and my relationship with them.

So personally, I wouldn’t take any comfort in thinking about what I wish they had done differently, or how I might have done it instead. It's a recipe for pain. However, when I think about it, I realise that I could change this for myself now anyway. Or that I have already done so. I’m not a child any longer. I can change the way I think. Reflection, forced on me by loss and change, has enabled me to - in some ways - parent myself, and learn a little along the way:

• I’ve learned that just as I’m not my failures, I’m not my achievements either.
• I’ve learned that judgement can often come from low self-esteem, and at the same time that I fight against doing this myself, I can more easily forgive it in others.
• I’ve learned that I can stand up for myself. That sometimes I need to, and that’s okay to do. That we can be tactful and forthright at the same time. It’s the biggest change from the way I was brought up.
• And best of all, I’ve learned that not standing up for myself/speaking up, has nothing to do with my self-worth. That I want to fight some battles some days, and on other days, I’d just rather not. I’ve learned to know the difference. And I have given myself permission to do whatever feels right at the time. It has been liberating.
• I’ve learned that I am proud of my values.
• I’ve also learned that I can be proud of pushing myself, and that it is worth testing my instincts. But that I don’t have to push myself every single time, either. That my feelings matter.
• I’ve learned that while I appreciate a community spirit, I also commend individuality and difference. Actually, I’ve always admired that. But now I know that the two are possible at the same time.
• And I’ve learned that “do they/you have a family?” is the question asked by someone who grew up in the 30s and 40s, who had their children in the 50s and 60s, and who lived in a time and place when women’s families were their careers, and the only careers they would ever have. I learned that they don’t mean to judge or condescend by asking the question, but that they see the world differently from those of us born in later decades. And I’ve learned to accept that.

 

Some New Year reflections

This week is Matariki, the Maori New Year. I've written about it here on A Separate Life. The celebration includes reflection on three main issues:

1. Remembrance
2. Gratitude, and
3. the Future

All three seemed very appropriate for us here at No Kidding in NZ. Remembrance means we think about those we have lost, but think about them with love. That was the theme of my post last week, and is something I'm comfortable doing, without making it too painful. It means thinking about our ancestors, where we came from, how far we've come. And it means reconnecting with home and whanau (family and friends).

Gratitude means thinking about the present, and celebrating what we have. Again, that's the focus of my No Kidding blog, and No Kidding life. I can't imagine what my life might have been like, because it is pointless, and dishonours what I have now. Celebrating the present means appreciating the big things - my life, my health, my husband, the country where I live, the freedom of my life without children, the personal growth and change as a result. And it means appreciating the little things, like spontaneity, travelling outside school holidays (although as a new empty-nester pointed out to me in the weekend, that comes to all parents in the end!), late nights and later mornings in bed, a community of like-minded people/friends all over the world, people who understand my situation and provide support when I need it, and so much more. Gratitude means remembering that I have all this good in my life. Including you.

Finally, the Future means recognising that I have a future, one that is good. It means planning for the future, and it is suggested that we write down our wishes for the next year. I've only just begun reflecting about the coming year, but just as I like the idea of doing this on 1 January, I also like the idea of doing this now, half-way through the calendar year, in the depths of winter. So I hope that it will be a process over the next few weeks. But right now, I can say that my wishes for the next year include: 

• improvements in health (I have an arm issue that I've had all year that I need to deal with)
• some serious travel planning if not active travel yet
• a tidier house and some serious home maintenance
• Wills rewritten
• continued reflection on this blog and in other writings, and
• some new skills.

I might be able to be more specific in a few weeks. But in the meantime, the reflection is useful. And I think that when we don't have children, our plans and wishes can be a little more proactive, deliberate. We're not always at the mercy of the needs and wants of dependents, and reflection and planning can be one of the gifts of our No Kidding lives. What are your plans for the future?

Manawatia a Matariki / Happy Matariki!

 

Change over time

For ten years, I’ve maintained a Word document with backups of all posts (Mel would be proud of me) I’ve written, and all the drafts of posts unfinished or unpublished because I was too scared, or in two minds about. It’s a pretty large document now – 455 pages! I decided to try to organise the unwritten drafts into topics, and spent the weekend doing that. The time might have been better spent cleaning out the room in which I write my blogs, but maybe I’ll aim at next weekend for that!  

What I found interesting was that I also deleted a number of posts I’d drafted in the past. They now don’t seem like things I would post here. So even though I started this blog some years into my No Kidding life, some years after I’d been trying to conceive, I obviously felt like getting some things off my chest then, that I don’t feel are appropriate now. Or at least, they don’t fit with who I am, and what I try to write about now. When I do write about slights against me or see discrimination against the No Kidding, it will be relevant to how I am feeling at the time. But I’m not going to go back and revisit these issues without a specific prompt. Even (I promise) when I’m getting desperate for a new blog topic!

I guess I’m saying that this blog has developed, and has grown up a little. I was a little surprised to find that, as I wasn’t really aware of it. It has made me happy to find that the blog has development into something a little bigger than my own gripes. Because what I really want to do is talk about topics that still affect me and require my attention, or topics that I think or hope will help others who are following me into a No Kidding life.

Not that this post will do that. It’s a musing on change and growth, which comes to us all. It’s perhaps a reminder too that reflection can be valuable, shining a light on how far we’ve come. Last, but not least, it’s a reminder of the benefits of tidying up!