Monday, 10 November 2014

#MicroblogMondays: Under-estimating friends and family



Recently I’ve had occasion to see someone behaving how I always wanted them to behave, rather than how the past had led me to believe they would behave (in a particular circumstance). It has made me very happy, and so pleased that I can upgrade my opinion of this person.

It has also made me think of the friendships and relationships that are lost and scarred by infertility. Too often I read someone writing that they have cut someone out of their life, because of the way they behaved. Sometimes this may be warranted – I can’t judge relationships that don’t include me – and I admit that a downgrading of relationship status is often necessary to protect ourselves at a time when we are very vulnerable.

But I do want to suggest that we should leave some connection open, however tenuous. They just might surprise us one day, and I wouldn’t want any of us to miss out on a relationship that once was, and can be again, good in our lives.

14 comments:

  1. So true. I know people who have cut others out completely, sometimes over something that seems quite trivial. I know I reduce interactions with people who cause upset in my life, but cutting off completely is so final

    ReplyDelete
  2. Makes sense...I often wonder about those friends that I have lost...I wish I could go back to them someday but I didn't leave any line open...

    Random Thoughts Naba..#MicroblogMondays 11: Grateful Mondays

    ReplyDelete
  3. Such a gentle and genuine reminder. It's really hard when we're in the midst of pain that few (take the trouble to?) understand, but it's a lesson I'm continuing to learn. I'm glad you've been pleasantly surprised; thanks for writing this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think there are only 2 people ever, that I have 100% cut out of my life. Truly, my life has not suffered for it. However, there are so many other relationships that I would like to see where they could lead some day.

    I am so glad someone has surprised you in a good way!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I tend to connect less with people that do not make me feel good. Over time we either run on paths next to each other or intersect again and enjoy each others company. I often watch from a safe distance until there is the chance to reenter each others lives. I am so glad that you have had a good surprise : )

    ReplyDelete
  6. Such a delicate yet important heart space you write about. I look at the opening and closing of it as if I control it with a valve. I open it as much as I can handle, but sometimes it's in my best interest to leave no space at all. I may not always get it just right and that's ok.

    Most importantly, with all of the relationship wreckage we suffer it makes me happy to read of one that is possibly turning a corner for the better.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was just talking about something similar in therapy today! Recognizing where people fit in our lives and leaving room for them to be themselves without hurting us is critical to preserving the relationship as it actually is. It's a challenge because people change all the time and communication can be tricky. But you are so right about leaving room for reconnection if it becomes possible again. Playing the long game in friendships can mean that people cycle in and out of your inner circle, but having multiple circles can help us stay connected over the years.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's nice when people surprise us in a good way -- as well as to note it so we remember late that it's always possible it could happen again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Leaving room for reconnection - that's wonderful, I like that. Often that can mean just acknowledging our own weaknesses.

    ReplyDelete
  10. A mature person never strains a relationship that was already tenuous. He lets it be and forgets that it exists.....leaving room for it to somehow surprise him and bounce back as something good.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'll be the first to admit I struggle with this. It's hard to leave room in your heart when you are being kicked after already suffering wounds. It's true, some people do surprise you and sometimes it's just a matter of distance to allow things to heal. In some instances, any connection can be very damaging. As someone who is struggling with reconnecting with family after years of abuse, this is a frighten concept for me. But my failing is I've never been good at boundaries. Good fences make good neighbors, right?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't think I've cut anyone out completely. I most certainly have drifted apart from some people, though. Sometimes it's been my fault, sometimes theirs, sometimes a bit of both. I like the idea of leaving the door open, and I hope I've done that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Downgrade. That's what I've had to do (actually it was suggested to me because I'm the only one having problems with the friendship). I've been meaning to write about this, but been busy with so many things going on in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is a good point you bring up. I sometimes do not leave room open to reconnect. I had a friend stop talking to me basically because I got a divorce; it was very weird. But I definitely haven't left room to reconnect with her... I probably should. It can be hard to open ourselves up like that, but I do think you are right - we should be open to the possibility.

    ReplyDelete