Monday, 18 May 2015

#MicroblogMondays: “Getting Over it”

When we lose a baby, or find that we are never going to have children, or both, people just want us to “get over it,” to stop hurting and forget. I took offence at this, the unthinking suggestion that the magnitude of my loss was something that I could easily “get over.”

But what does “getting over it,” mean? Does it mean we forget? Does it mean we can ignore it, or that we never hurt again?”

In my mind, “getting over it” actually means something different; it means learning to live with something, absorbing the experience as part of us, remembering but no longer reliving, no longer hurting every minute or even every day. I think it means that we learn from our experiences, and move on with our lives - changed forever, never forgetting, but happy again, stronger, wiser, more compassionate.

And on that basis, I’m happy to reclaim a phrase that once caused me great pain, and say that - for all intents and purposes – I am, in fact, “over it,” and you will be too.

17 comments:

  1. I like your definition of getting over it. Thank you for the phrase. It's something that I hope to one day be able to achieve.

    I think the problem is the people who want us to "get over it" are very ignorant as to how we are feeling and how it is affecting us on not only an emotional but physical level as well. They don't understand because they've never been there, they've never had to go through it. It's also in their minds something unpleasant to think about or deal with because it gets them down. At least that has been my experience of this too often used phrase.

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  2. Oh how I've hated this phrase. So il loving this new definition. In the spirit, I hope all who encounter loss find ways to more day be over it.

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  3. I've had a post on the same idea setting in draft form for a few weeks now. I should finish it up. Beautifully said.

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  4. That's a great msg and thank you for defining that all over again. An inspiring read..

    https://happinessandfood.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/microblogmondays-yin-of-life/

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  5. It's an interesting preposition -- not through, not under... you're meant to skip over -- as if you're hovering over the experience. That's the part I've never gotten about the phrase.

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  6. I love this. I have been mulling over a post as to what it means to be resolved in terms of infertility treatments, since there is A LOT in our adoption paperwork about being resolved and "over" the pain of infertility. And I kind of feel like it's not something you ever forget, or gloss over, but like you said--you can remember it without pain. But sometimes, crying over what never was is okay. Just not all the time. It's like a fresh weeping wound versus a scar. The scar doesn't hurt you every moment of every day, but it happened and it affected you deeply. I think of it like the death of my grandma. That will always hurt, but it won't impact my daily life every day moving forward. I don't know why our society is so afraid of emotions. :) I love this post! I feel like I want to make a poster of your meme (so computer unsavvy I'm not sure if that's even what you call the pretty picture with words on it, it's a meme, right?). Thank you for this!

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  7. This is a perfect definition, Mali!

    Out of curiosity, is this another one of your photos? It is gorgeous too!

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    1. Yes, it is. I only ever use my photographs. Thanks so much for the compliment. (I took this one in northern Queensland, Australia.)

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  8. I like your new definition. But I don't think I can ever like the phrase "get over it." Partly for the reasons Mel stated. Partly because in my head, I always hear it said in a rude voice: "Just get over it already!" I am glad if others can reclaim it however.

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  9. Glad you have found strength in the phrase, I can imagine the reclaiming taking the sting out. I am so far from that possibility that it seems unimaginable.

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  10. In a similar vein: “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
    ― Rose Kennedy

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  11. I like the idea of remembering without the pain. Take the time and the tears to honor the loss, and then put it down.

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  12. This is a great encouragement for those who are looking for a shred of light in the darkness. You're great!

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  13. I love when we reclaim a phrase that has been used against us (and I do feel that phrase is used against people who have experienced profound loss). Remind me to tell you my story about reclaiming the c-word. It's a dozy.

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  14. LOVE your photo and the quote. It's very true. :-)

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  15. Totally love and agree with your definition of getting over it! We never entirely forget, nor should we. It become part of the fabric of our lives, part of our story, but it doesn't define us either.

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