17 September, 2011

Making plans

Life isn’t what I planned. 
This isn’t what I planned. 
I always planned to have lots of babies. 
I only ever wanted to be a mother.

These are comments I read from women who are struggling with infertility, or even those who are now coming to terms and moving on with their “no kidding” lifestyles.

And I look at friends who are parents.  Life isn’t the non-stop joy, supportive husband, and happy and healthy kids that they had planned either.  It may not be popular to acknowledge this, but there are plenty of parents who wish they weren’t parents, who find it hard.  Maybe they hadn’t actually planned to be parents.  Or they had planned it, but being a parent hasn’t turned out the way they thought.  But I guess they make the most of it and look at the bright side - as I do now, making the most of my life without kids. 

It's all any of us can do - live our lives as well as we can, with what we've got.

And I’m reminded that “Life is what happens while we’re making plans.”

(Currently I’m making no plans whatsoever ... in Greece!)


  1. Where in Greece? Longing to see pictures (on your other blog?) when you are back!

  2. I entirely agree with you on this...

    Funny enough, both my grandmas were the type of women who would have preferred to not have children if they had been able to. My dad's mom specifically stated so to my father - that she was much happier working and would have preferred a career to being a 1950s housewife and a mother.

    And my mom's mom, although she didn't state it, did she say she would have loved to go to college and did enjoy working as a secretary/receptionist. I think parenthood ends up surprising a lot of people - it ends up being harder or not quite what they expected. Just like those of us who live with infertility.

    Hope your trip is fabulous!

  3. this is one of my biggest fears (and probably a lot of other people's too, I'm sure) that if we do get to spawn successfully, once the dust settles, that I find I am one of those parents who find out parenthood wasn't what I wanted after all.

    Making no plans seems to be the best idea, cos making plans gets us (me anyway) emotionally tied to the progress and outcome. All sounds very impossible and buddhist, but its something I try and do where poss.
    Have a great time in Greece - awesome!

  4. I, too, want to see pictures of Greece. And I'm all for living in the present, even avoiding making plans for now.

  5. Our thoughts must be synchronized... I guess as part of my attempts to come to terms, I googled "I regret having kids" and came up with a "childfree" website. I am not childfree by choice, but thought that seeing things from a different angle might be good. Anyhow, I came across this site that had links to posts on the "Secret Confessions" site by mothers who regretted or were ambivalent about motherhood. Their sorrow does not make me feel any better, but it did get me thinking about exactly what you post here. Most of my friends have had an extremely wonderful support network, grandparents who were not working, sisters, great aunts, sister-in-laws, who pitched in to provide childcare assistance. Most of the moms were able to keep working, while someone they trusted and knew took care of their kids (at little or no cost), and so they got out of the house. Another friend has only one child and is a stay at home mom and she did complain to me that she missed adult interaction and sometimes felt lonely. Her husband is in the military so she lives away from her family. Another friend adopted two little girls, one of which had some minor developmental issues, but enough to add extra stress, and she did complain about feeling that she didn't have much real support. Anyhow, on the site I mentioned, most of the moms that seemed really on edge, were stay at home moms, with 3 or 4 little ones, and for some really odd reason had decided to home school. Anyhow, definitely, not everyone who has kids seems happy about the outcome. I guess there is much to say about being grateful for where you are and trying to see the positives, though it is hard at times.