In the midst of the interview, he
mentioned that it doesn’t help that there is a “cult of tenacity” in US
culture. My ears pricked up. It’s not exclusive to the US, of course. It’s very
strong in many (but not all) western societies, and perhaps even stronger in many of the
Asian societies that are familiar to me. And as we know, it’s not exclusive to
studying or career paths.
“It’s okay to quit,” he said.
“Quitting is just a decision that our energy is better used elsewhere. Tenacity
has its merits, but tenacity that is stupidly applied will burn you out, and
not get you where you want to go.” He used the example of over-training
physically, or focusing on only one way of training even when it is not working
for you.
Is this ringing any bells? Tenacity
in and of itself is not guaranteed to get you where you want to go. Those of us
who are living No Kidding lives know that. But we’ve had the messages of
tenacity thrown at us most of our lives, and certainly in terms of those
efforts to conceive and carry a child.
“Never give up!” say people who
think that tenacity will achieve anything.
“Apply yourself and you can achieve anything,” say the people who were lucky enough to have achieved through (or
perhaps even despite, tenacity), assuming that this is all anyone needs, when
clearly it is not.
“Keep going,” say the people who
got their desired results, convinced that what they think worked for them would
work for us.
“You gave up!” they judge, thinking
that tenacity is a virtue, and clearly we weren’t as strong or dedicated as
they were, or that we just didn’t want it enough to continue.
So it is refreshing to hear people
say that it is okay to quit, even in different contexts. Not that I need
someone to tell me it was okay to quit. It was/is not anybody’s business but my
own (and my husband’s). I’m at peace now.
But if talking about this starts to
chip away at the grip that the cult of tenacity has on our societies then I
will be happy. If it makes people think about how they put pressure on others, how they judge others, and how unfair this is,
then I approve. And I approve especially if it allows people who are stuck in
infertility’s waiting room to feel better about taking one of the other doors
in order to escape. If it helps them doing so without the sometimes cripplingguilt and self-doubt that many of us face at this stage of the journey, then I
wholeheartedly approve.
After all, to repeat his comment,
quitting is just a decision that our energy is better used elsewhere. And when
we’re at the end of the road, and have no expectation of success despite
continued tenacity, then it is logical and healthy to choose to direct our
energy and our hopes somewhere else.
* Here’s a link
to an excerpt of the book – Late Bloomers by Rich Karlgaard.
