As a childless woman ...

Loribeth highlighted an article from last year (one which I also missed) that featured an interview with Jody Day. There’s a lot in there that is thought-provoking, but I was struck by this comment:

Anytime you read the phrase, “As a mother…” you are likely to be seeing pronatalism in action - it’s a way of valorizing one woman’s experience over another… because when do you ever see, “As a childless woman…?”

“She’s so right!” I thought. The few times I’ve tried to say, “as a childless woman,” I have purely been explaining myself (instead of being judgemental or self-congratulatory). But it hasn’t always gone down well with those hearing it. Sigh.

 As a childless woman …

• writing a Will isn’t as straightforward as “I’ll leave it all to my kids.”
• I have to plan for my old age because nobody else will do it or be there with me.
• I have to bite my tongue around my friends.
  
• I am isolated.
• my experiences are devalued.
• mothers have been condescending to me.
• few people really want to understand my life.
• the government and policy makers forget about me.
  

On the other hand, I could also say the following:

As a childless woman …

• I have the interests of all children at heart, not just selfishly* those I love.
• my environmental footprint is so much lower than a parent’s.
• I have had time to work on myself, to grow, and develop.
• I have compassion for outsiders.
• I am realistic about what is possible and what isn’t. 
  

What would you say in a sentence beginning with "As a childless woman ...?"

* Yes, a deliberate use of the "S" word! lol

She was one of us ... but no longer

So, back in October, I noted that our new Prime Minister was one of us, a No Kidding woman. Turns out it wasn't by choice, as she's always said she would like children, and has said that she and her partner had been told they were going to need help to conceive, and that they had put that on hold when she became leader of the Labour Party in the middle of last year.

In case you haven't heard, as the news has gone around the world, she has announced that she is pregnant. Given her openness about their infertility (though I doubt she would use that word), and my desire to see women in all positions, regardless of their family arrangements, I am very pleased for her. I wince a bit that she's going to be used as an example of the "stop trying so hard/just relax and it will happen" brigade, though I doubt she was at all relaxed during the election campaign, which is when she must have conceived (although she found out only after the election).

I also am pleased that the initial public reaction - that I heard or read at least - was positive ... well, except for my SIL, who ranted at me on whatsapp that it was dishonest of her to take the position when she knew she was pregnant, that she'd never cope doing both jobs. I knew I couldn't respond with any of my normal responses, which would have been "if she says she can cope, and has plans for the event, then I believe her," or "you'd never say that about a man," because the inevitable response (either said bluntly, or implicit in a withering comeback) would have been "you've never had a baby, so what would you know?"

So I just said, "well, isn't it good that you're not a New Zealander!"

No Kidding women leading New Zealand

Today we have a new Prime Minister. She is one of us, a No Kidding woman. When she was first elected as leader of her party, there was a scandal that she was asked almost immediately whether she intended having children (she's in her late 30s). Fortunately most of the conversation was about the fact that men are never asked that question, so why should reporters ask her, rather than over the issue of whether a woman could have children whilst leading the country. (Though the comment sections on websites were full of speculation about this, of course.)

As our new Prime Minister, she's commented that a personal focus of hers will be to reduce child poverty. She has been involved in this portfolio in opposition, and has said it is very important to her, and so I have no reason to suspect that she is doing this to counter the fact that she is not a parent. Her focus very nicely makes the point that you don't have to be a parent to care.

She's our third female Prime Minister, and our second who lives a No Kidding life. We've had a male Prime Minister for the last nine years, and an administration that was dominated by middle-aged white men. Before that, Helen Clark led the government for nine years, and I had become used to feeling more included in society and government, even when the focus was often on family. I have hope that once again I - and women like me - can stop feeling quite so invisible.