Trying again after a loss

Trying to conceive again after a loss is quite different to trying before the loss.  Whilst I now knew I could conceive, I felt this tremendous urgency to do so  again quickly.   This change in emotions was extraordinary to me.  A few years earlier I had been ambivalent about having children, and here I was, desperate to do so.  Once again, I blame hormones.  They have a lot to answer for.  They turned me into someone I didn’t recognise.  Every month was a disappointment.  Every month felt like a failure.  Every month I was reminded of what others do so easily, and what I couldn't.  I still felt hope though - although I was stressed and increasingly desperate, deep down I still felt, still believed, that it would happen.  And it was hope that helped me through. 

I was 39; time was of the essence.  And so our quest became scientific.  The internet held a wealth of information.  I learned so much, and I realised how little most women know about their bodies, beyond the basics.  I like learning new things, and I was fascinated by it all.  It gave me a feeling of control, in an area where really, I had no control at all.  But it was stressful.  I couldn’t focus on much else. I felt my mind had been taken over by an alien.  It seems so strange to me now, nine years later, that I felt like that.  I can remember it, but don't let myself feel it anymore.  Time heals.  Perhaps hormones change too.  I look back, I remember, but it is as if I'm looking back on someone else's life.