Trying to conceive again after a loss is quite different to trying before the loss. Whilst I now knew I could conceive, I felt this tremendous urgency to do so again quickly. This change in emotions was extraordinary to me. A few years earlier I had been ambivalent about having children, and here I was, desperate to do so. Once again, I blame hormones. They have a lot to answer for. They turned me into someone I didn’t recognise. Every month was a disappointment. Every month felt like a failure. Every month I was reminded of what others do so easily, and what I couldn't. I still felt hope though - although I was stressed and increasingly desperate, deep down I still felt, still believed, that it would happen. And it was hope that helped me through.
I was 39; time was of the essence. And so our quest became scientific. The internet held a wealth of information. I learned so much, and I realised how little most women know about their bodies, beyond the basics. I like learning new things, and I was fascinated by it all. It gave me a feeling of control, in an area where really, I had no control at all. But it was stressful. I couldn’t focus on much else. I felt my mind had been taken over by an alien. It seems so strange to me now, nine years later, that I felt like that. I can remember it, but don't let myself feel it anymore. Time heals. Perhaps hormones change too. I look back, I remember, but it is as if I'm looking back on someone else's life.