29 August, 2012

August; it's not very august

August sucks. 

It’s the middle of winter.  Yes, spring might be around the corner, but we’re not going to get any really warm weather until December, so August is about as far away from warmth as we can imagine.  At least, for those of us living in Wellington.  And so we hibernate, we feel enervated and gloomy, unless we’re amongst the ski enthusiasts, or the lucky ones escaping to the nearby tropics or the warmth of the (further away) northern hemisphere.

It’s also the month I should be celebrating one or two birthdays from the ectopic babies I lost.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not writing this in tears, I don’t even feel particularly sad.  But I remember.  I remember the first August after the first loss.  Then the second August after the second loss, when my first IVF had failed.  (Actually, the second August my husband and I found we had six weeks between IVF cycles, so we took off for a holiday to Vanuatu.  It was lovely, but sad.)  Then seven years ago, my father died in August.  It doesn’t seem that long ago.  And no, I’m not in tears over my father either.  I think seeing someone in pain makes their death a little easier to take.  Yes, I miss him.  OK, I’ll stop there, because that last sentence meant that the tears do in fact threaten. 

This August though, as the other losses fade, there’s a new loss.  I’m about to sever my connection with an organisation that has been enormously important to me.  I’ve talked about it before, so some of you will know the one I am referring to, but right now I don’t want to mention it specifically by name.  I suspect I will sometime in the future, when I feel able.  I feel sad though, and conflicted.  I know my leaving will put the organisation in a bind.  But it’s their fault I’m leaving, and I’ve tried to see a way around it.  But there’s only so much I can give.  My reservoir of goodwill is running dry.  I’m proud of what I’ve done there.  But leaving is yet another tiny loss, and that’s not always easy to deal with, on top of so many others.

August - such a wonderful word.  Its synonyms include dignified, exalted, glorious, grand, imposing, impressive, magnificent, majestic,  superb.  That’s about the opposite of how I feel this August.  So no,
August is not my favourite month.  I’ve been in a funk all month.  But today the sun is shining, the sky is startlingly blue, it’s after 6 pm and it is not yet dark, and I’ve made some decisions.  Spring is on the way.


  1. Thankfully August is almost over (oh so thankfully!) and Spring is on the way for you. :-)

  2. I'm glad the sun is shining there and spring is on the way. :-))) A loss is a loss no matter how small it is, so HUGS to you too.

  3. Sending a bright Spring your way...may there be many easy smiles soon.

  4. It is the opposite here. At home is comfortable, but where we work is miserably hot. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night.

    I'm sorry August is so difficult for you. Sending you hugs. I hope the loss is one that won't carry too much of a burden.

  5. *nods in agreement* August should be renamed Angst.


  6. I'm sorry you need to leave the organization. It's a lot packed into one month.

    The Internet has opened up such a wonderful door between the hemispheres. While I intellectually knew that the seasons were reversed, it's so interesting to read these thoughts about August when I associate August with summer, heat, long days, returning to school.

  7. Hi Mali,
    it was lovely to learn that you are from Wellington.
    Yes, I also love a door between the hemispheres.
    Hugs from hot summer!
    (but autumn is only couple of days away...)

  8. I cautiously wait for cooler months - so strange to think about how we are on opposite sides of the equator.

    The pain does seems to get easier after time goes by, but you are right, you never forget.

    As for the organization - you only live once and you need to do what is right for you.

    ((hugs))...spring (or fall) is right around the corner.

  9. (((hugs!!))) Dh & I basically stepped away from all involvement with the support group that had played such a huge part in our lives for the past 10+ years at this time last year -- so I know a little of what you're going through. Some of the reasons we left are no longer an issue, some still are. I am still very sad about everything that happened, but I still think we made the right decision for ourselves at this point.