25 February, 2019

Perpetuating the stereotype

Right now, I’m working on one of the stereotypes of the No Kidding. You know the one, that because we have (ahem) “nothing else in our lives” (apologies) we just travel the world. The words in quotation marks are so obviously wrong, when I look at my life and the lives of all the women I know who are in this No Kidding community, but they are so often behind the subtle digs of others.

I recently was on the wrong end of a subtle dig from someone in my life. She’s said openly and pointedly to me before that when old and dying, no-one wishes that they had travelled more. (I haven’t had a chance to point out that our FIL has openly said, now that he is unable to travel, that he wished he had done so much more in the thirty years since he retired.) This time, she noted that the only photos that matter are the photos of family and social get-togethers. This was after I had praised her for being good at her photos of people. Maybe I was being over sensitive, but it felt as if she was getting a subtle dig in at my nature (not high on her list of important things) and travel photography.

Comments like this have made me think about travelling and question why I like it, and what the point is of exploring the world. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it takes me out of myself, which is something this person could usefully try once in a while! Okay, that might not have been nice, but sometimes …

Anyway, my photos remind me, and others, of the beauty in this world, of our impact on others, on how lucky we really are, and of how important it is to be grateful for what we have, and where we live. I have no reason to be ashamed of that. In fact, I’m very proud of it.

So back to my first point. I’ve written before why I love travelling. Yes, my husband and I are that stereotype of the childless couple who travels. But here’s the thing. I would have travelled if I had had children too. It’s one of the sadnesses of my life, that I haven’t been able to share my joy in new places and new things with my children. I would have loved to share my love of Thailand with children, to have spoken Thai to them and introduced them to the country, the food (especially), and some of the culture and philosophy of sanuk (similar to joie de vivre) and sabai (calm and gratitude when everything is good). I don’t travel just because I am childless. I travel despite being childless.

So I try to share my love of travel indirectly with others. A friend went on safari with her boys after I had raved about it to them, and after they had questioned me and asked to see my photos, and at the age that I thought they would love it. They did. I think about families and their kids, and what the children would love or not love about particular locations. I would dearly love to travel with some of these families to see the look in my nieces’ and nephews’ eyes as they see something new for the first time. But they travel with their friends, or with people who have children who can play with their children. Not the boring old childless couple.

And so we travel alone. There's no alternative. Which is fine. I’m lucky though. Tremendously lucky. I have a husband who enjoys travelling, and is as enthusiastic about it as I am. (Though we do have different travel preferences!)

So this afternoon I have been furiously planning our next trip. There’s a lot to do. I need to make some bookings. I'll let you know when I have.

11 comments:

  1. I am envious and of course happy for you! Enjoy in planning! And enjoy your next travelling! I am looking forward to hearing more about it.

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  2. How awful that someone would say that to you, that no one wishes they had traveled more and that photos of family and get-togethers are the only important photos. I can tell you that there are so many people who wished they'd experienced more, traveled more, before they got too old or sick or weak to truly enjoy it. And who is this person to judge whose photos are better or more meaningful than others? Grr. I'm glad you embrace traveling because it is something you would have done ANYWAY, and you love to share it with others. I can't wait to hear about your new trip!

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  3. I just want to chime in and say screw that person and any other person who makes ridiculous statements and stereotypes about your life. You have to justify yourself to no one, and people like that don’t deserve your explanation in the first place. I applaud you and anyone else that gets to spend their time doing things they love (especially traveling) and then writes about it because it allows those of us who can’t to be able to read about it and see gorgeous photos and live vicariously through someone else’s good fortune. I hope you plan your trip somewhere fabulous!!!

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  4. I share with you a love of travel. And I feel like this person must harbor a deep bitterness about some sort of regret. Otherwise, why would she say such things to you? These things are almost always more about the teller than the tellee. "Methinks she dost protest too much."

    I love the way you said this: "I don’t travel just because I am childless. I travel despite being childless."

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  5. Want to know a fairly consistent tradition in my family? The invisible mother. For every 100 photos of the kid(s), there's maybe one of mom. Maybe 2-5 of dad. I guess other families do a lot of studio family portraits, but it seems like that's a special event sort of thing. So, I think that person is...confusing her preference with what actually happens in the world.

    I would love to travel more. I would love to take my child places. It's more about mindset and adventurousness than it is about family set-up. I'm too lazy to work out the details (or rather, I don't like the stress) and I'm too cheap to pay someone else to do it, so I stagnate until I have a motivator (a work conference, or some other event). I'll have to work out how we can tag along on your next adventure - my husband doesn't want to go anywhere (after working as a contractor in Afghanistan and Iraq and being in the military).

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    1. Oh yes, invisible mother syndrome is quite common! And terribly sad.

      And thank you for saying it's more about mind set than family set-up. I totally agree with that.

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  6. I'm delighted that you travel, as I would never have met you! Anyone who undermines anything anyone else does has their own agenda and issues - her words speak loudly of someone not necessarily content with their lot in life.

    You carry on being marvellous, I love that you have travelled so extensively, I love the beautiful photos you take and I love reading about your life. I love you too xxx

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  7. Dear Mali, I so agree that traveling is a mind set rather than a consequence of not having children. As a child, I used to travel a lot with my sisters and parents, whereas other families (with the same income level) just spent all their holidays in the same house on the beach... It's all about making choices and giving priorities, that's all...

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  8. I think lots of people, childless or otherwise, wish they'd travelled more at the end of their life... or even before. Re: Jess's comment -- when first dh lost his job and then me, my aunt was emphatic that we should enjoy our retirement and take some trips... she & her husband had retired at 65 & taken a couple of trips that year (to England/Scotland and to California) -- & then he died suddenly before he turned 66. She told me she was so glad they'd been able to do a bit of travelling together before she lost him. My parents (especially my mother) would love to travel more, to spend a month or two in Florida or Arizona in the winter -- they did it several times after my mother retired -- but they are both over 75 now and both have some medical issues, which makes buying travel medical insurance (a must in the States, as you can imagine!) horrendously expensive, more so than it was when they were in their 60s & early 70s. Plus my mom won't fly and my dad can't do the long road trips anymore like he once did. So my mom too has been urging me to take some trips NOW while we can!

    I have albums & albums full of photos (pre-digital)... some may mean something to our nephews some day, or to my cousins' kids, but I am sure many of them will be meaningless to anyone besides me & dh. But you know what? -- that's OK. They captured MY memories, and they mean something to ME and give ME pleasure. And that's good enough for me.

    So... where are you off to next?? :)

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    1. Yes, we always always buy travel insurance for our trips. Even for Australia where we have reciprocal health arrangements. And never ever go to the US without travel insurance! I do keep hoping you'll come to NZ, you know. Come next February - it's the best weather (usually - NZ weather is nothing if not unpredictable) and you get to escape your most hated month.

      I love your comment that our photos are important to us, and that's the only thing that matters. It is exactly how I feel.

      I'll tell you when we are booked! Still not booked yet, though almost!

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  9. I love travelling too and I can't imagine a scenario on my death bed where I would look back and wish I had travelled less!

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