01 March, 2021

Labels, judgement, and justification

Sue on Childless by Marriage wrote about being blamed for her situation, and how that makes her feel, as well as the differences in the labels of childfree and childless, and how she feels about that. It’s a good read – you can find it here. But I had some thoughts that belonged here rather than in her comments section. Because just as I wrote last week – that for much of our lives we havemore in common with parents than we realise – I think those of us who are No Kidding because of infertility have more in common with the childless by circumstance or childless by marriage and even the childfree than maybe any of us realise.

Firstly, I feel that those of us who suffered infertility often have to justify why we don't have children, just as the childless by marriage, though often with different questions, and for different reasons. "Why did you wait so long to try to have children?" they ask. "Was your condition age-related?" “What did you do wrong?” or even better, “what’s wrong with you?” or the insensitive “you’re not doing it right” or (the insensitive male) “I’d get you pregnant,” etc. The variations we’ve all heard are endless. And of course, the perennial "why didn’t you adopt?” The questions are intrusive, impolite, often unthinking. The situation is complicated. As well as infertility, many of us may share some of the same issues as those who identify as childless by marriage. After all, negotiating whether to venture into IVF or donor cycles, or whether to adopt, are variations on the question of whether or not to have children. The decisions are just taken at different stages in the process. Whatever and whenever decisions are made, we have one thing in common. Our reasons are personal.

However we have become childless/childfree, prying questions or throwaway remarks like this irritate me. As I’ve said before, and as I’ll say many times after this, I don’t feel that any of us (childfree, childless, or alone by <insert reason here>) owe anyone an explanation for why we don’t have children. And I’m quite happy not to answer people, divert them in some way, joke about it, or otherwise convey that it is none of their damn business! Politely, of course. In the main!

Time changes how we feel too. When I started this blog, I had in my About section that I sometimes felt childlLESS, and sometimes childFREE. But I removed that a while ago, because I don’t like the feeling of being defined as either of these labels, or both, and besides, I dislike the fact that any label like that invites judgement, in the same way that whatever answers I might give to why I don't have children can invite judgement.  As I wrote almost ten years ago in November 2011 in Childless, childfree … or what?,

“The problem is that the labels childLESS or childFREE automatically convey additional information about our history, and our feelings about our situation. And (as you may have guessed) I don’t always want to share that information. These labels make a point of telling people we either feel a loss and that we are living in sadness, or that we are delighted we don’t have children and celebrate it daily. Some people are very comfortable with those labels, and that’s fine for them. I can certainly understand that some people might choose to use the label childless because they don’t want to be grouped in with all the negative accusations that are (sadly) often directed at the childfree. At times I have felt that way too, particularly in those immediate years after we learned we would live without children.  In those years, I certainly felt child less. But, even then, that is not how I wanted to portray myself to the world. I abhorred the idea of pity, and I hated the prospect of successful parents looking down on me, having achieved something I couldn’t. My situation was private, and my feelings about it were private. And so the label childless felt too defensive, too negative, and I’ve never comfortably used it."

In 2011, when I first wrote about this, I was already eight years on from ending my quest to have children. Now, it has been 18 years. Today, in 2021, I mostly just feel like me. Not having children is part of who I am, but by no means wholly who I am. I use the label childless here on this blog because I know people use it to search to find our community, because it is how so many of us feel when we are in pain and are trying to figure out what the future holds, and because we lack any other word for those of us who never had children. It reflects who I was, rather than who I am now. I don’t like labels. It's not that black and white. I explained further, in a little rant, in 2011:

“The problem I have with both of these labels is that they allow others to make a judgement about our choices, and invite an emotional response (pity, superiority, horror, disbelief, etc). And that isn’t fair. After all, the words parent or mother don’t have any such connotations to them, do they? They don’t say “mother by choice” or “mother not by choice” or “parent by accident” or “mother by drunken binge on a Friday night in the back seat of the car of a guy she’d just met in the bar” or “parent by broken condom.” They don’t say “parent after ten years of trying to conceive and thousands of dollars of fertility treatments” or “mother who thought kids would save her marriage” or “ happy mother who always wanted kids and got everything she wanted” or “mother who thought she always wanted kids till she got them and now wishes she didn’t.” The words parent or mother are just factual statements.”

As I said then,

“Fact: I’m a woman, first and foremost.
Fact: I don’t have children.”

But there’s much more to me that that too. And just as I don’t defend my hair colour (though actually, sometimes I do have to defend my grey hair since I let it show through last year), where I live, my career choices, my fear of heights, my love of reading and walking and travel, etc I don’t feel I need to justify why I don't have children. And I don't feel the need to have a label on my No Kidding status. It’s nobody’s business, unless I choose to share. That is one thing I am happy to tell anyone who asks!

11 comments:

  1. The absolute assumptions/ignorance in the 'why not adopt' as if it is like going to grassy field and plucking one blade of grass.
    THank you for writing, for rejecting labels, for who you are.

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  2. I definitely felt childless while trying to get pregnant. I have now had moments where I have felt childfree, which surprised me because I never thought I'd feel that way. I guess I go back and forth, which is probably why I don't feel comfortable labeling myself either. But I remember that labeling myself "childless" in the beginning was very important to me.

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  3. So many great points here about what happens when circumstance or choice cause us to veer off the expected path. While I may have been insensitive to such people and situations earlier in my life, now that I've had experiences and witnessed others' experiences, I have become (I hope) more compassionate and empathetic about what a person's circumstance/choice may be. And I realize I have no right to know -- or even ask.

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  4. Ha! I used this same example, that parents are never asked why they HAD kids in the latest podcast conversation I had (posted today). Clearly we've been blogging alongside each other so long, Mali, that we've become like one organism ;-) ...most importantly we're all multi-dimensional beings who, when we're not locked in our houses, continue to evolve grow and take on new dimensions. Really looking forward to honing new facets outside my latest bubble sometime in the future. New Zealand is back on our list of places we'd like to travel to -- when and if Americans are allowed back into your lovely country!

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    1. Great minds and all ... lol. Looking forward to you visiting NZ when you are no longer locked in your house, or banned from NZ! lol

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  5. I laughed out loud when reading your excerpt about the different types of "parent" -- hilarious! And so true, that others are not asked to justify. Although a friend of mine went on a rant about having twins and how people always assume that she did fertility treatments and feel the need to pry into that, which I could understand would be annoying but then she said "And of course I didn't do THAT!" and I was like, "do you remember who you are talking to????" Ugh. This back and forth on "Childfree" vs "Childless" is SO INTERESTING. I realized that I put on my blog "resolved childfree," but I didn't really think about it. I think most of the time I just think that I resolved without parenting. When people ask if I have kids, I don't say, "I'm childfree' or "I'm childless," I usually just say "No." Or sometimes "That didn't work out for us" and it can end there. So much food for thought here! I agree, labels are problematic. I don't feel like I have to glue my identity to one term or the other, but it does bother me that my word choices about MYSELF could be judged. Grrr.

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    1. PS I love your silver hair and that's another judgy thing that drives me nuts -- if someone wants to embrace their hair color, why should anyone else give a flying fish? I think naturally gray hair is so beautiful. But what matters is that YOU like/love it! :)

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    2. I'm like you - I am a great believer in saying "No" and leaving it at that. And as far as labels go, I like "resolved childfree" because I know exactly what you mean.

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  6. The third post I wrote on my blog in 2007 was on labels and childLESS vs childFREE.

    https://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/2007/11/am-i-childless-or-childfree.html

    I still don't know what the solution is, because no term I've heard yet seems satisfactory. Maybe the answer is just to try to do away with labels altogether and look at each other as people, and not our parenting status??

    Jody Day pointed to a great piece recently by a woman who has embraced the childless label:

    https://medium.com/liberty-76/why-i-choose-to-call-myself-childless-dcb540521094

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    1. I agree no term is satisfactory! I've yet to hear one that is right for me.

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