The internet has been abuzz discussing Jennifer Aniston's comments about infertility and IVF the last week or so. There is so much good writing about it, I hope you can find it and read it all. Some of it is included in my blogroll here. But another helpful post here by Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled has summarised it, along with other No Kidding writing, including from our much loved Jess. Thanks, Loribeth!
A friend shared the Aniston article on social media, and there was a comment there that perhaps explains why I don't talk much on social media about living a No Kidding life. The person commented that a sports announcer had said publicly that she had several unsuccessful IVFs, but was still trying. The commenter said that she feels bad every time she sees her. She commented that she Aniston's disclosure resonated better with her, because she talked about wanting kids, not getting them, but that her life is good without them.
It was the pity felt by the commenter that struck me. The commenter was feeling this empathetically, as she is in the same situation. But if she feels it, then obviously others (ie parents ) might feel that too. And we all know that pity is the last think any of us want! Empathy yes, but pity? No!
It is important that talking about being childless not by choice is normalised. That
people know that IVF fails more often than it works. That it is
recognised that this is a possibility or even a probability, and that
that is normal.That it is horrible to live with. But that it is not a sentence for a sad or lonely life. That life can and will be good. The more this is spoken about as normal, the better. That way, maybe we wouldn't feel that it is quite so awful for the world to know? And maybe the world would learn to react more sensitively? Or to simply accept that not everyone will get the children they want? To stop the pressure on women to procreate, because they don't know what is going on behind the scenes. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I love this post. It's so hard to balance the importance of normalizing and speaking out with the not wanting to be seen as pitiable or turning into trauma porn. When I do share things in social media, even empowering things (it what I think of as empowering), it is always interesting to see all the "hugs" and "care" emojis. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteAnd YES, how wonderful it would be if we didn't pressure women to procreate as their "biggest achievement." Blergghhhhh
This is interesting. I wonder whether it has anything to do with the "scar or the wound" thing. If I remember correctly it is Glennon Doyle who once said that it is always safer to say something personal or vulnerable in public "from the scar and not the wound". I guess that is what makes the difference between Jennifer Aniston and the sports announcer. Most people are uncomfortable with the wound stage, especially if a person who is not close to them tells them something personal that is hard to bear. At least that's my experience...
ReplyDelete"Or to simply accept that not everyone will get the children they want? To stop the pressure on women to procreate, because they don't know what is going on behind the scenes. Wouldn't that be wonderful?" - Oh yes, indeed!
Greetings from rainy Switzerland
I really like the "scar and not the wound." It perfectly explains how I feel.
DeleteI don't wonder if people's tendency to be polarized in their thinking and feeling is a factor.....For me it's a real "AND"......I'd rather I hadn't gone through what I went through and that things had turned out differently. AND I feel good about my post traumatic growth AND I believe in the possibility of a good life (assuming no more long haul crisis/obstacles for me where life randomly starts not playing nice!).
ReplyDeleteAppreciate the "AND-ness" of the beginning of your last paragraph too!
Absolutely. As Lori LL says a lot, it's BothAND. Accepting that makes life a lot easier, doesn't it?
DeleteYes, yes, yes to normalize that not everyone who wants to be a parent will get to be a parent, and that being a parent does not mean being better than.
ReplyDelete"Wouldn't that be wonderful?" YES! Yes, it would! And here's hoping that Jennifer Aniston's revelation will finally help to crack open that door, at least a little bit!
ReplyDelete