The lowest time of my life was when I was going through pregnancy losses and infertility. The loss of my parents was less traumatic, both because it was signalled in advance, and because my life really was separate from theirs on a day-to-day basis. But the pregnancy losses, infertility, and discovery that I would never have children changed my life - or rather my vision of it at the time - in a fundamental way. There was a lot I had to come to terms with. Failure to get the outcome I had tried to achieve. Isolation and "otherness" from society. Recognition of my own mortality. Acceptance of my body's limitations. Judgement, pity, and condescension from others. The list is longer than this. I also remember a time when I really didn't want to go on. Though I'm glad I did.
I've been thinking a lot about that in recent weeks. How I don't want to feel those depths of despair again, but how I know I will. How I got through them and came out the other side. How I had my husband with me during that entire time. How physical touch said volumes when words couldn't. How isolated I felt from most of my friends who were actively parenting at the time. How finding my tribe online really helped. How my family wanted to understand but didn't. How people were afraid to talk about it with me.
It's weird how that going through a health issue is both similar and yet very different. Similarities include finding that "worst case scenarios" can and do suddenly get worse and worse, and each time we adapt. Loving each other becomes so much more important. Taking enjoyment in the little things helps us cope. A focus on what's important - food, sleep, connection - also helps. Oh, and the platitudes too are the same. "It will happen" turns into "get well soon" or they'll "pull through, I know." I'm remembering too that emotional turmoil is exhausting.
But there are differences too. And whilst I'll talk about this more in the future. There's one difference that has been startling. Friends and family are concerned, offer help, send or bring food. I've told them to pace themselves - at the moment we don't need too much. There is community support, both in health terms and in support networks. So far, no-one has really distanced themselves from us - digitally or physically. Certainly not unexpectedly. But having a particular illness that is known and understood in the community, even if it is rare and aggressive, brings connections and support that pregnancy loss and infertility did not. There isn't the shame or judgement or just silence that I experienced around infertility and pregnancy loss.
Isn't that sad? Even though I welcome that unfamiliar level of support today, I feel sad that people going through infertility right now still feel that isolation. And just want them to know that we have been there, and understand, and send love.
I am glad your family and friends are offering support. I'm glad there is community support too.
ReplyDeleteFor me, not having any support during infertility felt almost as hard as infertility itself. It wasn't until I found blogs and learned about disenfranchised grief that I realized I wasn't alone.
Thank you, Mali. You are in my heart.
You are in my thoughts regularly and I care too. Though am too far away to be of real assistance. Wishing you strength as you go through this process. May there be miracles also.
ReplyDeleteDear Mali,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you a lot <3. And I hope that this comment will not disappear like previous ones have.
It is strange, isn't it. When you have experienced that lack of support in infertility and then, after years, people actually show up for you when you need it in a different context. I am grateful it is happening for you now, of course, but I agree: The isolation coupled with the grief of infertility and childlessness is tough. It was one of the most difficult aspects for me. It made me even more thankful for this community.
Sending warmth and love!
I'm sorry - your other comments disappeared into my "Awaiting moderation" folder! I don't know why, as you are a regular commenter. Hopefully this won't recur.
DeleteWell mostly, Mali, I am abiding with you and all that you are navigating. It's so much. After that, I really appreciate the way you compare and contrast how community does and doesn't rally around when something is LESS familiar -- like IF, which, for some strange reason has shame attached to it -- and MORE familiar, like illnesses that can be in anyone's future.
ReplyDeletePoint taken about physical touch. I wish I could reach out to offer you some, but energetic touch will have to suffice. Much love to you both.