When does caring count?

Does caring count if you never show that you care? 

People who find it difficult to support others – “I don’t want to say the wrong thing” – always forgive themselves (or so it seems) by saying, almost as an afterthought, “but I do care.”

As if that is supposed to make their silence or insensitivity okay.

Others excuse them by saying, “they find it terribly hard.”

And in saying that, they easily dismiss our feelings of disappointment, neglect, isolation. In fact, we’re practically admonished for feeling hurt.

I understand that others might have limitations that mean they can't provide the support we want and need. Even after we specifically articulate what we want and need. But being told that "they care" is really irrelevant, if the person in need of support doesn't feel that. Doesn't even hear it, because it is never said by the person who counts. Having to hear “they care” from a third party kind of proves that they don’t care enough to tell you themselves. That their feelings of awkwardness and discomfort outweigh our feelings - of trauma, of loss, of despair, of grief, or whatever is relevant when we desperately need support.

For those of us in the No Kidding space, this feels all too familiar. We are told not to make people feel awkward, put our feelings after others. Our losses are minimised by flippant or trite comments; "just adopt," “here, have mine,” "you never had anything to miss," "at least you can <fill in the blanks>"  etc, that dismiss our concerns about not having children. Someone once said to one of my sisters-in-law that she never knew what to say to me when I lost my pregnancies. “I’m really sorry, I don’t know what to say,” would have been nice to hear. How hard is that? That person maintained their silence for 15 years!

So I’m not even asking the question. I’m coming to a conclusion. Caring isn’t Schrodinger’s caring. You don’t both care and not care until you break your silence. Because it is the silence that hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a LOT.

Caring doesn’t even matter if you never show it.