A follow-up to my previous post. Apart from those few years when I was trying to conceive, I never believed that a woman had to be a mother to be fulfilled. I always felt like a woman. I always enjoyed being a woman. I just didn’t feel that being a mother was the be-all and end-all of life. I rebelled against the inference that I was only good for one thing, that my life was pre-determined, that I would be a mother and that would be the only good thing I’d ever do. If I wanted children, I wanted to have them on my own terms, not because I was told I should, or because I wanted to conform to society's expectations of me.
But then I got older, and my hormones started to run rampant. They weren’t helped by pregnancy and pregnancy losses and IVF drugs either. I felt ready to be a mother. And so my failure to become one hurt, and my drive to become one was accelerated by all those messages around me.
Fortunately, now, I don’t have the same hormonal urges. I’m at the age where I’m not expected to get pregnant. And I can brush off those (often subconscious) messages from friends, family, society, media, and politicians that my life is worth less because I don’t have children. I know they’re wrong. But even so, knowing that people look at me that way still has the power to hurt. Fortunately, not so often these days.
I agree, Mali, and am thankful that the judgements and looks don't carry nearly the wallop they once did.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on this, I have never believed a woman has to be a mom to be fulfilled. If a woman chooses to have children, it will become a large part of her life and identity, but humans are extremely multi-faceted. I think some moms feel frustrated because they can be seen as nothing other than a mom and their own individual selves get lost.
ReplyDeleteI think it is so important though for women to be seen as more than this one choice - whether or not they have kids. I am already starting to see my life outside of this... and finding my own ways to ignore those societal pressures.
Whenever I read those studies I remind myself that there are always outliers for whom the rule does not apply. I am glad you are able to go through all the comments and expectations unscathed. I must learn to be more like you!
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I'm still at the age where people still expect us to be able to get pregnant, though we're fine with child-free living. But it's really hard for others to accept that we're OK with this non-baby status.
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