Things I Know because I don't have kids

“You don’t understand.” The statement (some) parents make to those of us without children, either to stop any suggestions of advice, criticism, judgement, or as a defensive reaction when they feel they’ve been criticised or judged. But what really do they mean? Do they mean we don’t know how they feel? Do they mean you can’t imagine parenthood with actually being one? Do they mean we don’t know what’s best for children? Do they mean we can never have an opinion on raising children or children’s behaviour? Do they mean our experience of being a child is irrelevant? Do they mean independent observers – whether experts in the field or not – will, if they are not parents, always be wrong? Or do they mean “it’s hard enough being a parent without feeling criticised by those who aren’t also subject to this type of judgement?” As I write this, I’m almost wishing someone would say this to me, so I could ask these questions. I wonder if it would help them see things from a different perspective? Or would it just make them more defensive?

There are things I know about children and child development because I’ve been a child, because I’m an  observant adult, or because I’m interested in psychology, in relationships, in human behaviour, and personal development. Some of this interest is more intense because I was unable to have children. Some of this interest has come because I couldn’t have children, and was forced to look at the world from a completely different perspective. I'm slowly writing a series of posts over at A Separate Life, inspired by someone who thought of the idea before me, about 100 Things I Know. Many of those "things" are a result of not having children, although I am not spelling it out there. But I thought it was useful to do so here.

These are some of the things I know because I don’t have children:

Things don't "happen for a reason." 

You don't have to be a parent for your life to be valuable.

You don’t have to be a parent or even want to be/to have been a parent to have an opinion on how children are treated in an array of circumstances. I’m not saying I would do any better. But as a non-parent, I can see what isn’t working. As an independent observer, a non-parent could play an important part in mediating difficult situations between parents and children, if they weren’t so often dismissed.

I have noticed that many parents automatically see situations from the perspective of a parent, rather than from the perspective of the child. Sometimes that is necessary. Many times, it is not. In fact, it can be detrimental to solving a problem, resolving a difficult situation, or helping a child move ahead. Their overwhelming empathy with parents (or “as a parent”) precludes them from looking at a situation from a more distanced point of view, or a more holistic perspective.

For example, I know that a lot of babies cry on aeroplanes because they cannot regulate their sinus pain by swallowing etc. It’s nothing to do with being “a good child” or not. I’ve experienced a lot of sinus pain on flights. It is agonising. It makes me want to take a drill and bore a hole through my skull to relieve the pressure. But it is my choice to take that flight. The fact that parents, or perhaps everyone, accepts this for tiny babies and little children, is mind-boggling to me. When would we ever permit a parent to torture a child for up to an hour, in any other situation? But society as a whole seems to think this is fine when taking children away on a flight – whether to go on holiday, visit relatives, etc. Sure, they might not remember the pain. But does that make it any better? You're right, I don’t understand that.

Becoming a parent has both selfish and unselfish motivations – wanting to be loved unconditionally alongside wanting to love unconditionally, wanting to pass on knowledge and interests and passions, wanting families around them in their old age, wanting to leave a legacy, etc. I know that because the reasons I decided to try to have children were, ultimately, selfish for me and my husband.

I know that the act of parenting requires a selflessness to those children that not parenting does not require. Unless … we might be caring for an elderly person, someone who is a dependent for any number of reasons, or we are on-call for particular jobs, work long hours to fund ourselves or members of extended families, etc.

But I also know that it doesn’t follow that not parenting means you are a selfish person, just as it doesn’t follow that parents are by definition unselfish. (I know someone living in a hot climate who actually said that their kids’ rooms don’t get the benefit of their poorly functioning air-conditioning, but because the parents’ room is cool, they just don’t think about their kids).

You don’t have to be a parent to have a feeling about what is fair/unfair, right/wrong, selfish/unselfish.

You don't have to be a parent to care about future generations, or about the planet.  

You don’t have to be a parent to see a child in pain, a child who feels neglected, a child whose wishes are ignored, and feel anger and empathy for that child. 

You don't have to be a parent to want to help children - individually or as a group - who are struggling. In fact, I know many parents who are so focused on their own children, they don't care about all the children at their schools, or in their community, or their country. They haven't got the wavelength to do so, and don't see the hypocrisy in that.

I know that parents generally want the best for their kids, but in pursuing the parent's idea of "the best," they often brush aside their child’s wants, needs, beliefs, and principles.

I know that parents' execution of their parenting philosophies are often deeply flawed, and can leave the children as overly-anxious or suffering because of the parents’ belief in harsh parenting being good for the child in the long run. And conversely, I've seen overly indulgent parenting that does not prepare the child for the realities of the world.

I know that we all learn by making mistakes, children included, and that many parents won’t let their children make mistakes, to their detriment.

I know that I, like any parent, would have made mistakes. But I always disagree when I hear, “a parent/mother knows what is best for their child.” I’m sorry, but there are myriad examples of why this is not always true. Anti-vax parents, for example, just to name one. Parents who keep their children in cults, for another.  Two extreme examples, but the list of more minor examples is endless. Parents who don't listen to teachers, just as one.

I know that children often confide in others, when they know their parents won’t hear them. 

And I know that we will always do our best to help them.

What do you know?

Repetition

When we are children, we learn by mimicking others, and by repetition.  I remember first studying languages - mimicking, and repetition were the keys, along with understand why sentences were constructed the way they were, or why things meant what they did. I still love that, and I've just started teaching myself - with online assistance - another language. Repetition is the key.

I was thinking about my post last week. Nothing I wrote there was new on this blog, except for the way it was expressed and packaged. The messages were the same I've been giving for years. This was not the first time I've repeated messages, or even whole posts. I felt a little embarrassed - am I all out of ideas? 

But then I thought about the value of repetition.When I was adjusting to the fact that the rest of my life I would not have children, I knew only a few people who had entered the No Kidding world before me. I knew I didn't want to be like the person who was still stuck mourning her losses, decades later. A kind woman I had known 10-15 years earlier who lived a good life was an inspiration, as was another friend who was blissfully free of the self-recrimination I felt. 

Mimicking the aspects of their behaviour and attitudes helped me learn more about myself, understand who I was, and what I wanted. Other discoveries - for example, learning that I could change the way I thought - were also beneficial, but only after repeating these lessons to myself over and again. It's how I learned to put the past behind me, and embrace the life ahead of me. It's also how I remind myself regularly of lessons that are worth holding close.

Repetition. It gets a bad rap. I'll keep doing it. Unashamedly.

Thinking positively: A Guide

A decade ago, I made a note in my blogging drafts folder of a series of posts written by Hope at A Crack in Everything (still online, but not added to since 2015) that talked about an “encouragement card” issued by an IVF clinic, in an attempt to ease the stress felt by those undergoing the process. The card was inspired by a study showing that positive thinking helps relieve stress, and its ten points basically said, “think positively.” Not bad advice, but not terribly helpful. Do read all three posts. They’re really wonderful. And I hope that Hope is doing well, wherever she is.

She included a great list of things that would have helped her at the time, and at the end of the posts, she asked, “What would be on your personal encouragement card?”

It's taken ten years, but I’m finally getting around to writing about this. All these years later, I’m not thinking about the IVF process, of course, but rather the life that came after. I guess my whole blog has been a personal encouragement card. It reflects what helped me, and what I say to myself to keep going, regardless of the situation that has got me down. These messages both apply to No Kidding situations, but also to many other life experiences too. And although I completely agree that thinking positively helps me enjoy life, feel compassion, and feel fulfilled, we sometimes need a guideline on how to get there.

So my personal encouragement card would include the following:

1. You’re allowed to feel crappy. Let yourself. Forgive yourself for this too.
2. But you won’t feel like this forever. Know that it is true, until you can come to actually feel it and believe it. You will be okay.
3. You’re also allowed to feel good. Smile. Laugh. Feel bliss. It’s not a betrayal. It helps. And anything that helps is worth it. 
4. Try some mindfulness, consciously enjoying the little things of life. Good music, something funny, a good cup of coffee or tea, the sun on your face, good food, a hug from a friend, a warm bath or hot shower, etc. Fleeting feelings of comfort or joy is a great start, and can grow into a practice.
5. When you are ready, let yourself think about what might be the positives in your life. You’ll need to teach yourself – or maybe even force yourself, at first – to look for them though. Trust me – they will be there. There is a positive side. 
6. When you’ve found it or them, let yourself enjoy the positive side.
7. Remember that just because you enjoy on the positives, it doesn’t mean you deserved this, or brought it on yourself. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. This life may not be what you planned. But it yours. The positives are there, they’re real, and it would be a waste to ignore them.
8. Learn to challenge the negative voices – your own, and others. Once you’ve disputed them, don’t let them back in.
9. Love yourself, and feel compassion for yourself. Give yourself comfort. Stop beating yourself up. It helps more than you can imagine. 
10. Know you are enough. You will come to believe this.

What would be on your personal encouragement card?

 

Quotes and Memes: Learning from others

I don’t always agree with memes and quotes I see around social media. In fact, I often disagree with them. Or despair at the way they have been misappropriated. And I often shake my head when someone uses them to imply that they are correct on a particular issue, but I feel that the meme actually points out the reasons why the exact opposite is true. But don’t get me started on that! Occasionally though, I will screenshot one that I think applies to our No Kidding lives. Here are a couple:

One I saw recently (unattributed) asked us to,

“Think about how much you’ve grown since the event you thought would end you.”

I loved that. Most of us have grown an enormous amount since we realised – slowly or abruptly – that we were never going to have children. Some people get stuck, forever grieving, unable to accept or move forwards. But most don’t. I for one have learned resilience, gratitude, self-compassion and compassion for others, courage, acceptance, and much more. Even in the midst of my grief, I learned to find joy in small things, to appreciate what I have, and to accept that which could not be changed. I see this every day in other bloggers too. We grow, even when we’re in pain, even if we didn’t want to grow this way. And after a while, that growth brings joy and confidence and freedom. We can appreciate the growth, even if we do not appreciate the circumstances that led to that growth.

Another meme quoting a poet, Camille Dungy, gave us good advice – whether you are a writer or not.

“Beware of being so certain of what you want to say that you stop yourself from learning what you need to discover.”

I have found this time and time again as I have written this blog, and read other blogs. Often I will start a blog on a specific topic, and by the time I have ended I discover I’ve said something quite different to what I had expected. Indeed, sometimes my conclusions are the exact opposite of what I set out to say! Writing gives me time to think, and helps me figure out what I really want to say, what I mean, and what I actually think and believe. I am thankful that here in the welcoming and compassionate and wise No Kidding community, I have been given the space to explore my thoughts and feelings, and to expand my understanding and knowledge of the world and myself. Too often, elsewhere, we are unable to work things through like that, for fear of what other people might think, say, or how they might judge. I am forever grateful that blogging-land has given me the chance to learn who I am, and what values are important to me.

Just Us: Barbie, feminism, and Not Kidding

This is the last topic I ever thought I would write about. I had a Barbie when I was a girl - it must have been a birthday present, and it was very unlike other birthday presents I had received. I was a bit of a tomboy - I got a gun, holster, bolero, and Deputy Sheriff badge when I turned five, and was terribly jealous of the boy next door, who also had chaps! (As you can see, our one channel of TV in the late 60s early 70s was dominated by US Westerns. lol) Most of my dolls, teddies etc seemed to be hand-me-downs, so a brand new Barbie was exciting and terribly glamorous. Until, just a short time after my birthday, my mother gave me a haircut. So my little sister decided to give Barbie one too. Her long glamorous blonde hair was gone - she had a raggedy pixie cut for the rest of her life. I was not impressed. And my sister is tired of being reminded of it!

Barbie was always unrealistic - I didn't really know any/many blondes, her figure was ridiculous, and when I knew enough to understand, infuriating. And I'm pretty sure I had her before the unrelenting pink phase (I abhor unrelenting pink for girls - even though I quite like the colour), and before the cars, houses, and all the other Barbies appeared on sale. The commercialism, the sexism, the impossible physical expectations of Barbie turned me against her.

So when I heard there was a Barbie movie, I didn't think it would be for me. But a fellow No Kidding friend and I decided to go. We'd heard good things, and we knew we couldn't drag our significant others along to see it. We went this morning. It made this old feminist happy. There were so many brilliant throw-away lines. And I especially loved the comment "if my feet were this shape all the time, I'd never wear high heels again!" Hear, hear!

I'd heard about America Ferrera's monologue about the contradictory expectations of a modern woman. What I loved about it was the inclusion of those who were not mothers, as well as those who were mothers. I had been enjoying the feminism of the film up to then, and realised I had been unconsciously bracing myself against the onslaught of expectations for mothers, and to feel ignored. But we were not ignored, not forgotten. The message was acceptance - of who we are, regardless of whether we have children or not, regardless of whether we are high achievers or not. I loved that latter point too, because so many of us without children feel that we have to do find the "Next Big Thing" to make up for not being a mother. But we don't. We can, of course, and that is wonderful. But equally wonderful is finding happiness in our lives being ordinary. Surviving. Thriving. By just being us. Ken and Barbie both learned that lesson in the movie. We all need to be reminded of it. Brava, Barbie!

Personal growth: it will change your world

A Letter to my Younger Self

To 30-something Mali

Without any spoilers, I am going to give you some advice for your personal growth over the next 20 or more years. I wish I had known these things beforehand. I am very glad that I know them now, and hope they will help you:

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and roll with them. By feeling them, you learn to recognise them, understand them, and, ultimately, this knowledge helps you grieve, and it helps you heal. Feeling them is not always pleasant, and there is usually no easy shortcut to get through them, but it is worth doing the work. You’ll come to accept them, and you won’t be afraid of them. That’s a gift.

Take joy, delight, and happiness where you find it – the warmth of the sun on your back, laughter with a friend or from something funny, the luxury of a hot shower or bath, the pleasure of helping someone. Joy in life is in the little things, even when you might be afraid, or sad, or angry. Those big things come and go. But, as your mother will say a lot in the next 20 years, there is always “a good cup of tea” to be relished. And never feel guilty about feeling joy. It is healing. And you deserve to feel it.

Learn self-compassion. You are kind to others. So, don’t you deserve the same kindness from yourself? When you learn to be kind to yourself, and eventually, to like yourself, you will find it easier to stand up for yourself, and to care less about what others think. You will learn to say “no” to things and people who are negative and draining, and “yes” to new opportunities. It isn’t selfish, though. You will find it easier to be tolerant of others and show them compassion and understanding in turn, and you will grow as a person. You become more content in yourself but that also makes you more demanding too, because you know who you want to be, and who you can be.

Speaking of caring less about what others think, it gets easier! I am not kidding, though you won’t be surprised if I admit that I’m still not very good at it. But you know what really helps? knowing that others’ opinions of me or my life almost always says more about them than it does about me.

It is possible to retrain your brain! If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts or going over and over negative experiences (as I know you do, have always done), you can teach yourself not to think about these things. First, you need to recognise these thought patterns as unhelpful and negative. Then you can challenge them. Ask yourself, “are they true? Or am I catastrophising? Can I fix the issue behind them? Or am I self-flagellating for no reason?” Once you know, then you can counter them, and dismiss them.

Write your thoughts down. It helps. It can free your brain from trying to remember something, or from going over and over a particular event. It can and will also help you figure things out –how you feel and what you think, what is important, what you want to do in the future, who you want to be. In fact, it can be quite therapeutic. And it will new open worlds to you. You will learn to love it, even to need it. And you might find you are quite good at it!

Make the best decisions you can with the information you have available to you at the time. Then don’t beat yourself up about them. You can’t turn back time. Hindsight is wonderful, and you can and should grow from it, but there is no benefit in wishing you’d made different decisions.

You know what you’re good at, and what you enjoy, and of course, what you’re not good at, and what you don’t enjoy. Be honest with yourself, both for the good and the bad. You will find that gets easier as you get older. It is liberating to learn to look at yourself without judgement or self-recrimination but with curiosity and compassion. It is liberating to be able to move on with an intention to improve where possible.

Learn to know and challenge your values. Hold them close. I have learned to embrace them without feeling that I was letting anyone down, including, perhaps especially, you, my younger self. Solidifying my world views and values has made a great difference to me, my thoughts, my level of contentment, my authenticity. I let go of a lot of things. But in doing so, I was able to begin to fully embrace myself, and my life.

As humans, we survive by adapting to new situations. We can find happiness without achieving the big goals, whatever they might be. I’m sorry to say that you won’t win the lottery! But you don’t have to have the perfect family, career, body, or mind to be happy. You just need to be able to appreciate what you have in your life, whatever that might be, wherever you can find it. You can achieve acceptance and contentment. It is easier than you think. And you are much more resilient than you think too. Take pride in that! I do.

Your next twenty plus years will be full of joys and adventures and scary times and love and sadness and disappointment, of mistakes and wonderful decisions. That is inevitable. That is life. Embrace it! It will be amazing. I am not kidding.

With love
Older Mali

 

It is World Childless Week. Learn more about it and see all the other submissions on this topic here.