I try to post at least once a week. Usually I manage to do so without problem, finding
that I often have the urge to post on Friday afternoons, and that at least is a
regular pattern that keeps me posting weekly.
But I see I’m overdue. Somehow,
time has overtaken my urge to post.
Somehow, even though I’m not working full-time, I and struggling to post at the moment, and I
marvel at those of you who have less free time, and still keep your blogs up to
date. I mean, my last post was a big
cheat. (When in doubt, resort to lists! –
that’s my motto.) So today, after a busy
(though non-productive) day, I thought I’d better check how long it has been
since I posted. “No problem,” I
thought. I’ll just check the file I
keep, where I have a bunch of potential blog topics, and quite a few drafts
written. But not one of them inspires me
at the moment.
And you know why?
Because right now, being infertile just isn’t part of my being. I don’t feel infertile. I don’t feel lacking in any way. I'm sorting out a number of things - finding a decent income source, working on a writing project, helping my sister-in-law plan her trip to France later this year, planning my own significant birthday trip (that's probably another post), getting fit, keeping up with my volunteer work, and working my way through Jamie O's 30 Minute Meals cookbook. Not to mention, trying to keep up with the Olympics. So my mind is flitting all over the place, and life is busy. Infertility? What's that. It's disappeared, for the moment at least. The usual triggers are firing blanks. This morning I had a quick coffee in a local
cafe (actually, it was breakfast, after rushing out to post a passport renewal
application and a letter to a US friend), and smiled at a little Indian-NZ girl
who wanted to use one of the chairs at my table. (She was insufferably cute!) Later, at the airport with my mother, I noted
another little cutey, with red curly hair just like my niece, and grinned. A baby stared at me over the shoulder of their
parent. No twinges. Nothing but pleasure at seeing these lovely
little children. A momentary pleasure,
quickly dismissed. It’s the way I want to
be able to react to kids all the time.
Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t.
But when I can, which these days is most of the time, I feel normal. I
don’t feel infertile. I just feel like
me. It is good.
That is great that IF is not a huge part of who you are right now. Maybe you can write about other things here? Or do you want this space to just focus on your struggle, or sometimes lack thereof, with infertility? I say write about your life but I understand if you're not interested in doing that.
ReplyDeleteEsperanza I write about my life on A Separate Life - link is in the About Me section at the top right of the page. I started this space specifically to talk about thoughts on infertility and living life without children (not necessarily the same thing), as I don't want that to dominate my everyday life space. If that makes sense.
DeleteExactly what Esperanza says! Whatever you write will something I look forward to reading.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this post. I've also met a few little kids these days and I love it when I can smile at them and enjoy their smiles without feeling that there's something lacking in me. :-D I bask in those glorious moments he he...
ReplyDeleteI think this is wonderful - not that you're not feeling much of an urge to blog (because I do enjoy your writing), but that you're not feeling infertile. That's a place I hope to get to someday. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that IF hasn't been a focus for you lately. I want to hear about your trip!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to hearing about other aspects of your life as well. So glad that IF has taken a back burner for you at the moment. There are moments in time when it has for me as well, and I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad infertility isn't part of your being right now. It's something I can look forward to achieving too.
ReplyDeleteRight now I envy that not being horribly affected by kids. I currently seem to be surrounded by them and I am not having an easy time.
ReplyDeleteI think they call that (not having infertility looming large over everything in your life) progress. Everyone says life is about balance - so I'm not saying that you're progressing towards forgetting about infertility. I'm saying that maybe the time that it dominates your life is coming to a close. Or at least on a downswing.
ReplyDeleteIt's been on a downswing for many years, to be honest. It certainly doesn't dominate my life now, and hasn't done for quite a long time - though it did about 8-9 years ago. ... you're prompting another blog post, which is always good! ;-)
DeleteCan't wait to read that one!!
Delete:D That's one good sign when IF is not a part of ourselves, an aspect, yes but not the whole of us. I had experienced that much earlier this month, and I loved it! I look forward to times when I'm not dealing with IT or not saddened about children-
ReplyDeleteSometimes I do sit down and stare at the laptop and wonder what to talk in my blog- and so I just let it all flow out. It doesn't have to be infertility but to show that one can LIVE. :)
I am happy for you, Mali!
ReplyDeleteFor me - each year that passes by, it is easier. I am also already there - that most of the time I can really smile at all those cute babies. And just enjoy the moment.
(small talk with - not all, of course - but some stupid mummies - is another subject :)
I'm thrilled that you wrote this post!! I've been crazy busy lately, helping some friends who are going through difficult things, working out much more regularly, and just overall feeling pretty good!! The day before yesterday, while driving home from the gym, a little girl (barely just starting to walk) started heading towards the middle lane where I was in the parking garage. I stopped, letting her mom catch up to her, and assuming they were going to cross the lane. Her mom smiled and said they weren't. I had to wait there for a bit (traffic in front of me) and I smiled at the little girl, who had a (pony tail??) sticking straight up in the middle of her head. She was just adorable. When traffic moved on, I smiled and waved to her mom. For some reason, kids have never been a "trigger" for me. Their parents are. The questions they ask, or their going on and on about the joys or trials of parenthood, and the pregnant belly. Am I weird when I say that kids aren't the trigger for me?
ReplyDeleteI get it. I am in a bit of a blogging slump at the moment -- partly because I am so busy right now, with work, with watching the Olympics, etc. But I've noticed over the years that I don't post as much in the summertime, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Sometimes the inspiration strikes & I have tons & tons of stuff I want to write about -- sometimes, nada. It's all OK.
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand what you mean about infertility & childlessness not dominating your life these days. For me, it's always hovering there in the background, and some days it jumps up & bites me in the you-know-where ; ) but there are more ups than downs lately, overall. Progress!
There is a reason the Olympics are only on every two years...because they take up so much time!
ReplyDeleteI have been in a slump lately too. I think it is all the changes in my life, and just having so much going on with the move and self employment that I have really turned inward. I am really in my head lately, and find it hard to write... I also don't have much to say about infertility as it isn't really bugging me right now. it kinda feels odd, but I am just trying to roll with it.
ReplyDelete