Looking back on the blog: 2024

It's become a habit now to review the year gone by. I've just done it also on A Separate Life, although it seems harder this year because so much of 2024 seems a very long time ago now!

So, back to the blog. I wrote 55 posts here in 2024, which is pretty good considering I was away or sick for almost four months of the year. (I will admit that I feel quite proud of writing and scheduling three months of blog posts before I left!) I'm not sure about recurring themes this year, although the book that included my essay was a topic I kept returning to, simply because so many of the other authors made me think. Otherhood then, was a key theme, and I finally published my No Kidding essay here in October.

No Kidding: My Otherhood Essay

It is harder to keep finding things to write about that are specifically related to my No Kidding status. I'm not grieving any more, I'm not recovering, and I'm not surrounded by people with small children. All my friends and most of my family now have children who are adults, and so aren't part of their day to day lives. My life is very different. I know some bloggers have moved on to concentrating on ageing issues - I've written plenty about that - or who have just said, "ok, that's enough, I don't need to write any more." I'd find it hard to stop, I think, so I'm just going to see where the blog and my readers and comments take me in 2025.

So this once again brings me to the fact that the first week of January is blog delurking week, as Mel at Stirrup Queens reminded me. Do leave a quick hello in the comments (I’m fine with anonymous comments if you’re shy) or send a quick email to me at nokiddinginnz at gmail dot com. I'd love to know who else is reading here.

And whether you comment or not, whether you’re a long time reader or have just stumbled across me for the first time, I want you to know how much I appreciate you.

Hoping you all have a very safe and happy 2025!

No Kidding blogging

Fourteen years ago (give or take a few days), I wrote my first post on No Kidding in NZ. I was well past the raw shock of losses and an end to my efforts to have children. Seven years, to be exact! It seems so long ago now. My childless life has just turned 21. It’s grown up and left home! But I’m still here. I continue to post on this blog, even though my day-to-day life is rarely disturbed now by emotions resulting from my infertility and the fact that I have no children. I don’t blog anymore to get my emotions out or to reach out so that I don’t feel alone. Correction. I don’t blog solely for these reasons. Or even partly. But I do, very occasionally, need to know there are people on the other end of this post who understand.

I write now because not having kids is now part of my identity. Most of the time, it is neither good nor bad – it just IS. Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to run out of things to say, and I know I repeat myself a LOT (though at times that is deliberate). But then I read a post or a comment, and have the urge to respond to it. Or I read a one-liner in the midst of another post that speaks to me, that reminds me of how I felt, or a comment that shrieks of a pain that needs to be recognised. Or perhaps, in a blogpost or a book, an article, or a politician’s speech, that oozes an arrogance or falsely promotes an assumption that I want to dispel. And suddenly there are still things I want to say. Or things I want to say again. They might seem random, and sometimes they are. Sometimes I’ve been thinking about an issue for a long time. Other times, I hear something on the radio, and immediately write about it. There's no resolution. The issues, thoughts, and questions don't end.

And so I write.

 

Looking back on the blog: 2023

This week seems to be my week of reviewing 2023. It feels a bit weird, because I’m actively looking forward to 2024, I’m enjoying the arrival of summer (a fan on behind me, windows open all over the house, bright blue sky and sunshine, pohutukawa in bloom all over my suburb) and I’m full of enthusiasm for new projects this year. (I hope it lasts!)

So, back to the blog. I wrote 57 posts here in 2023, a few more than the last couple of years, but really I’m staying stable, which is at least encouraging, in my 14^th year of blogging here. I like to review my blog for the year, so here goes looking at some recurring themes:

So, back to the blog. I wrote 55 posts in 2022, a few more than 2021, but still fewer than 2020. There is still food for thought, but as I joked to a fellow blogger the other day, I am not afraid of repetition! But as I review my blogs from the year, as usual I see some themes. I don’t think I’ll list the posts I talk about here. Because I know that different people might take different things from them, especially as many posts started off with a grumble, then finished with a positive, or vice versa.

Speaking of grumbles, I do feel as if I grumbled a lot more in 2023 than I did in previous years. I wrote at least eight posts specifically about grumbles, or perhaps with acknowledgement of losses. 2023 was a year marking a lot of losses, a 20^th anniversary of loss, would-have-been 20^th birthdays, etc. And I just didn’t feel that great. And I decided that it was worth pointing out that even 20 years later, in a life that no longer focuses on childlessness, there are still ouch moments, times when it all comes back to me, times when I feel the losses.

That said, I also wrote eight posts about simply living my life, and enjoying it, embracing it. Posts about choosing our lives, being No Kidding and Happy, came easily to me in 2023 too. How about that for symmetry?

And the majority of my posts were about finding perspective, healing, and finding strength and compassion. Sometimes externally, but usually from the hard-won knowledge that comes from experiencing something first hand. My favourite post of the year was in this theme, and ended with the line, “I might have lost my blissful ignorance, but I have not lost my bliss.” Transformation from Trauma lays out how loss and infertility has changed me, made me more aware of my frailty, but also more confident in my strength. Like many of my posts, it was inspired by another blogger. Thanks for the inspiration, Jess!

I am constantly amazed and delighted to find so much wisdom in the comments of my posts - as I do every year. I am so lucky to have wise and compassionate readers, and I am so lucky that you are all still visiting, adding your perspectives, reminding me of the "BothAnd" (thanks, LLL!), putting alternatives.

Which once again brings me to the fact that the first week of January is blog delurking week. Yes, I know I’m late. But do leave a quick hello in the comments (I’m fine with anonymous comments if you’re shy) or send a quick email to me at nokiddinginnz at gmail dot com. I'd love to know who else is reading here.

And whether you comment or not, whether you’re a long time reader or have just stumbled across me for the first time, I wish you all a safe and happy 2024!

Note: This is an annual nod to Mel, who used to run the Crème de la Crème, where we would list our favourite post of the year. It always provided inspiring reading. So even though it doesn’t happen officially now, I hope that you too will list your favourite posts from your own blogs, on your blogs, for us to enjoy again (or for the first time).

 

Mixed emotions of No Kidding blogging

The mixed emotions of blogging. I wrote a long post last week. The reason it was so long is that I added several qualifying paragraphs to pre-empt any criticism. I was telling my DH, and he said “you should just write what you want and think, and don’t worry about others.” But I’ve had criticism before, and whilst I don’t mind it (and it can lead to very interesting conversations), it can distract from my main points. And so it is often easier to explain myself beforehand. That said, sometimes all the explaining in the world doesn’t avoid people misinterpreting what I’ve said, or to whom I have said it, or who it is about. I’m tempted to revisit the post, take out all the qualifications, and then see how long it is! But still, having all those qualifications in there, the explanations of the differences between the various stages of grief, the things that I have tried and what worked or did not work, can give legitimacy to my theme too. I’m definitely not being blasé about healing or dismissive of grief. I think about these things, and I think about their impact on us. So then I try to explain that. Apologies for being long-winded sometimes, and thanks for bearing with me.

My labels are out of control! I am so frustrated. How can I ever get them in order? There are 247 different labels, which is a ridiculous number! I am going to try to consolidate them, so it is easier for me to find posts that I know I’ve written, but can never find. I think I decide on labels at the time of posting, thinking about what people might be searching for (and how they might spell it in the US vs NZ vs UK for example), which explains why I have so many. Of course, there are 826 posts on this blog so far. Actually, this one makes 827. That’s a lot of writing about not having children, being childless or childfree (depending on my mood), and not kidding! On reflection, I started this paragraph feeling overwhelmed, and I’ve ended it feeling quite proud.

Now I’m embarrassed. I have a topic I’ve been meaning to attend to again every Valentine’s Day. As usual, I think Mel might have started it, writing Bloggy Valentines for other bloggers. I did it once, here, eight years ago. Each year I see a note about it, but each year I've missed the date. It's now March, and I forgot again. Oops. Maybe next year. (Yes, I need to put it in my calendar.)

I’m back to blogging frustration, with a degree of annoyance thrown in. I’ve read a little Rebecca Solnit on plagiarism, stealing ideas, or people copying ideas but using their own words. I’ve seen this happen in blogging. I’ve seen some of my posts or ideas repeated but without reference, over and over again, sometimes with disturbingly familiar turns of phrase. Maybe it’s because I’ve been writing for 10+ years, and I've covered all the bases? Maybe it’s coincidental and inevitable that we all come to the same realisations and conclusions. But maybe it isn't that innocent. And so others get more attention for their work based on my ideas/words than I do. It hurts. All the pain and effort I’ve put in to develop my ideas, my blogs, my approach to my No Kidding life. A blogger’s dilemma. It is hard to prove. It would be nice occasionally to see a reference back to my original writings, as I try to reference any blogger that inspires me to want to think more deeply, or to expand on their original (appropriately credited) ideas or where I might find a twist using my own experience. I don’t accuse my own regular readers of this. You are all too nice. But I do accuse some others, who know of me and my work, but don’t comment or interact here because they're focused on their bigger platforms. I’m not sure if I want to finish with a sigh, an anguished argh, or an angry grrrr. Maybe all of the above.