31 January, 2014

The dilemma of No Kidding blogging

When I started this blog, I both wanted an outlet for my thoughts and feelings about navigating my way through life without kids.  I didn’t want it just to be about the tough bits of my life; I wanted it to reflect the good things about my life too, the things I can do and enjoy precisely because I don’t have children.  I wanted it to be honest.

I wanted to show others that the world doesn’t end when you can’t have children.  The world goes on, and our lives go on and become fuller, more meaningful.  There’s a lot of room to fill up when we say good-bye to infertility, and I think many of us fear we will never fill our lives.  But we do.  You can.  In my years of volunteering, I felt very valued and fulfilled.  I knew I’d already learned a lot, and by being honest about my own feelings and experiences, I knew that I was helping others.  And I hoped to continue that here.

But there’s a dilemma when blogging the No Kidding life  Because even though I’ve accepted my life, and love my life, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t still a few twinges of pain and loss.  And whilst it is cool to be the beacon of hope that life will be good, I think it is only right to be honest and acknowledge those ouch moments too.  Which is why I wrote my previous post. 

I don’t usually focus on the difficult parts of my life, the parts that remind me that I don’t have children, because ultimately that’s not the way I think or feel anymore.  I don't want to be pitied, I just want to be understood.  And I’ve posted before (here and here and many others besides) about the positives that come alongside those losses.  But there are times, when we hear things in the media or others say things to us, where I just roll my eyes or sigh in frustration, and respond. Sometimes, life, society, individuals give us no choice!


  1. That's EXACTLY what I said to my brother when he became the bridge between me and my mom after I wrote that letter. I told him that I didn't want pity and I wrote down how I wanted to be supported there in the letter. :-)

    I'm with you when it comes to the spirit of this post. :-)

  2. That's what I love about this blog! I've been following for a long time, because although we're trying to have a baby we're not sure we ever will. I wanted to expose myself to some people who are living both lives, so I could find hope that regardless of what happens, we'd be OK.

    I love that so many of your posts are about life without children, but I love even more that sometimes your posts are about life WITHOUT children. It's good to see that although you can go forward and get by, there are still those moments. It may sound silly, but when we took a break from TTC and dabbled with the idea of stopping TTC...I felt guilty whenever I had those moments of twinges and pains. I thought I was a basket case because "I chose to stop TTC I should be 100% OK with this decision and not have moments where I longed for the alternative". It felt stuck, like I couldn't navigate the TTC world and I couldn't navigate the Childless world either. But finding blogs of women who have been there, and who accurately portray the process, have comforted me greatly. Makes me feel a little less alone.

    And even though we're back in the TTC world, it's nice to know there's somewhere real that we can relate to down the road if we end up being Childless after all.

  3. One of the things i miss so much about being without children is that in most groups i can't talk about it. As soon as i say "when i lost my first baby . . . " or whatever, it is "oh i'm so sorry" and discomfort. I'm pitied instead of being understood, and left out of the group or conversation. But if i don't say anything then i'm left out as well.

    I love your blog and how you are so well able to voice what so many of us feel.

  4. Definitely not pity, but I like hearing the whole story; the hard parts too, because it helps me to understand another person's life.