Along with the inevitable reminders of my parents, December, for me, will always be my pregnancy loss month. Looking back at previous writings, I can confirm that now I simply remember it as a fact of life, and something that doesn't upset me now. However, a particular incident a week or so ago reminded me how easy it is to feel very lonely as a No Kidding couple. I felt extraneous to much of the world, and this brought a real feeling of helplessness, and worthlessness. Fortunately that faded quickly, and I'm now looking forward to the bright side of this particular situation (there is one).
So although it was a painful reminder of my vulnerability, it was also a reminder of my hard-won strength and resilience.
Yes to hard-won strength and resilience. I'm sorry December is a tough month, a tough time of remembrance of more than one loss. Thinking of you as you find that bright side!
ReplyDeleteI had both my pregnancies start in November, and end in January.So December is that sweet spot of time when everything was amazing and magical,until it suddenly wasn't anymore. Along with this,the anniversary of my fathers' death, is December 17th, so this all comes together to make Christmas time not the most joyous of times. As much as I try to make the best of the love and happiness I have in my life, the losses we've suffered are like a permanent scar on my psyche,and no amount of cheering up can make that scar go away.
ReplyDeleteDear Mali, I'm sorry too that December is a tough month for you. I'm sure the familiar seasonal changes bring back sensations of those past times. It's strange that you should say "I felt extraneous to much of the world" (brilliant phrasing); I felt like this yesterday. It was the bleakest, darkest December day (in fact it reminded me of "The Road"!). I had such a sense of misery and outsider-ness - I don't know where it came from really, but I felt detached from the rest of the world that seemed to be bustling about with their extended clans, busy and purposeful. I don't even know if it was that, it felt non-specific really. Very Decemberly.
ReplyDeleteWeird to think that warm weather heralds your December feelings! So strange In Ireland to think of it being summer somewhere.... I'm intrigued about what triggered you; was it the event that you mentioned in your last post that made you feel very alone and childless? I'm being nosy of course you don't have to say; I'm glad it has had a bright side anyway! Resilience is indeed something to treasure and celebrate.
Sorry about the incident that made you feel lonely, and also that December has so many sad memories associated with it. You have so much strength and resistance! Hoping you will have a nice few weeks and wishing you all the best for 2017.
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence says it all.
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoy the next few warm, sunny, beautiful weeks. I shall live vicariously through you since none of those words describe the current weather conditions where I am at.
I'm glad that there is a silver lining to the incident; it is clear from the way you talk about it that it shook you to the core. Enjoy the sun for both of us -- it's so cold here.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for this most recent reminder that made December all the more painful for you. But I so admire your resilience and your ability to analyze and learn from these things. Sending (((hugs))).
ReplyDelete<3 I love your ability to write on both the ups and downs of infertility. It's always been inspiring to me and helped me to see how in most everything there are "wins" so to speak... even with the losses. <3
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