Usually, when I see photos of children of my ectopic message
board friends,I smile. Whether biological or adopted, I’ve followed them since
they were born (perhaps since they were conceived and before the first
pregnancy test), and feel as if I know them, even though we may have never met.
They’ve become part of my life, even if I’m not part of theirs.
But recently I had one of those moments. After our first
ectopics, a good friend and I conceived again at the same time. We even shared
the same EDD. I lost that baby to another, rare ectopic pregnancy, but my
friend’s pregnancy proceeded without difficulty. So her daughter has been a permanent
reminder of what I might have had. Most of the time, I’ve been happy for my
friend, and remember the bright, happy young child I met when she was small. I
don’t allow myself to think, “what if?” because it does nothing for me.
But it was a shock recently to see this young woman all
dressed up for her end-of-year school ball (or whatever it was called in the
country concerned), possibly at the end of her schooling completely. She was tall and elegant and so very adult. So real. All of a sudden, I'm hit with the realisation and sadness that my own child would
have been that age too. All grown up and ready to go out into the world. Many of you know what these shocks feel like. It's been a long time since I experienced that, and so it was a shock. So much so, that I shared it with
my husband. I don’t usually do that, as I don’t want to bring him down. We had
a moment together, and now I’ve brushed it off. Mostly.
Oh, Mali. That's so hard. It's like a glimpse at an alternate life that could have been been. I imagine it's also a shock of the time elapsed since that loss. I read a book once that said house important out was to have "cycle buddies," but I know so many people who have that person who was successful at the same time as a loss, and it's so hard to watch that alternate reality play out. I'm holding you in a big squeezy hug as you sit in this sadness, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that hard part. It helps me to know I'm not the only one who, even though so many years have passed, still has residual pangs of stabbiness, as Jess calls them.
ReplyDeletexoxo, Mali. Abiding with you.
The alternate timeline that we don't often entertain does shock us. I used to look at my friends' children knowing that ours would be the exact same change and reaching those important milestones and while i don't dwell on them sometimes i do get shocked.
ReplyDeleteThat's always the most gut wrenching, seeing those children continue to grow when our own are stuck in our minds as embryos, infants, whatever we see in our own mind. :( Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteSuch reminders are heartbreaking. Hugs, Mali.
ReplyDeleteMine would be middle 40's.
ReplyDeleteAnd we go on and celebrate the positives in our world.
We are not alone.
I haven't had quite as many of those moments lately -- my daughter would be turning 21, possibly in university but past most of those childhood milestone markers that can be so difficult. They are hard to deal with, and especially when they come as a surprise/shock, as this one did. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteDear Mali, I'm so sorry you had one of these reminders. It is always painful, especially when they catch you off guard.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs!