Jess has written a post about a friend who seems to be struggling with the issue of how Jess and her husband have accepted and embraced their life without children, asking her "How can you be happy?" Go read it - it will make your blood boil!
It reminded me of a post I'd written about the behaviour of those who can't accept our choices, even when we had no choice. Research shows that this behaviour is similar to that of a 14-month-old toddler, covered here in Biscuits, Broccoli and Bias. That always makes me feel better when I think of those who judge us!
It also got me thinking about the issue of choice. As Jess said, it's not like she felt she had a choice. I wrote Do We Really Choose? seven years ago this week. So it's a good idea to revisit it here. As I said to Jess, if things get so bad that it is affecting our mental and physical health, is that really a choice? And if people can't understand that, then they were lucky not to experience the so-called choice that feels like hitting a brick wall.
Finally, I was thinking about the issue of acceptance. I've written more* about this than pretty much any other subject here at No Kidding in NZ. I was reminded of this post, quoting another blogger (sadly her blog doesn't seem to exist any longer), in which she talked about her total disbelief that anyone of us could be happy in our post-infertility, No Kidding (ie childless) lives.
I think it's always worthwhile to revisit some of my earlier thoughts. It reminds me how far I've come, and how far many of you have come, and gives me a chance to refocus on what we have, rather than what we don't.
Here's a link to all 135 posts tagged with "acceptance."
So many times I've found that my "choice" lies in whether to accept it or not. I may not get to choose which path I travel (immensely frustrating), but I think I do choose what I want to carry, what I want to drop, and what I notice on the path.
ReplyDeleteSomehow the word “choice” means that you wanted one thing over another in a positive way. I think “decision” sounds more like something you make when each “choice” is a difficult one. Like picking from two shitty options.
ReplyDeleteI like your analogy of it being like hitting a brick wall. Sometimes that happens so it’s not really a choice so much as it’s there is no other possible path forward. Which is where the “nbc” in “CNBC” comes in.
I love this! Reading your older posts was great, too. I'm glad my crap moment spurred such a thoughtful look at "choice." I hear you on the brick wall, and making a choice because that's all you've got in order to live.
ReplyDeleteBryce actually took my friend's comment differently, that when she asked, "How can you be happy?" it was more of that disbelief you wrote about -- that we must not be totally honest if we're claiming we can be happy without parenting. I didn't think of it that way but it makes total sense (and is still blood-boily).
Mali, I’m so glad you mentioned Jess and her wonderful blog as I was unable to comment on it as it doesn’t give me the option to... Jess if you’re reading this your blog is wonderful but alas I only get the option to comment with a google account and not my name/url, hoping to be able to add to the conversation on there if you can change your settings and yes - a blood boiler indeed! Xx
DeleteThe only choice is in HOW you proceed. Because you proceed unless you are dead. So either you continue or you stop existence. You can continue in tears and grief or you can find ways to to see the world cloaked in beauty and joy and join in celebration. That is the choice. Some people do choose to keep breathing but only in sackcloth, ashes and tears, or mental illness. So CHOICE is really the wrong word. How to proceed is different. NOTE: This is a question that we face over and over and over in our lives. We do not always get what we want, when and how we want it. But we choose our response and we can change the response we have chosen. There may be times of grief and darkness and despair, but we can also chose color and laughter (and possibly science & medicine & therapy) to move towards happiness. This is why and how humans all over the world have always continued. This is the miracle.
ReplyDeleteTo everyone every time life has been the path chosen: THANK YOU for continuing the miracle and giving hope to those facing the question of HOW TO PROCEED IN LIFE.
You really are a marvelous wonderful helpful blogger. I am deeply grateful for you proceeding in courage and love and life.
Rose
Thank you so much for those kind words. I'm glad you find the blog useful, and especially glad you were able to contribute here. I totally agree that the choice that is important is choosing to embrace our lives.
DeleteIt did make my blood boil... I felt so angry on Jess's behalf -- on behalf of all of us. Grrrrr....!!
ReplyDeleteThat ability to refocus is key. Being flexible and fluid rather than tight and fixed.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much value in your evolving thoughts on acceptance.