This post from This is More Personal got me smiling, and thinking. In particular, this paragraph made me think back, and remember feeling this way too.
“I remember hearing from women further down the path than I, and listening to them talk about acceptance, and me thinking, loudly: “BULLFUCKINGSHIT. That is just bullshit. How could anyone ever accept this hell. You are lying to yourself. I will never accept this.”
I suspect I might have been one of the people she has sworn at!
I think part of it is the definition we ascribe to the word acceptance. For me, acceptance means the ability to live our lives the best way we can, within the constraints of our lives. In other words, we can’t have kids (whether short term or permanently), but we can still have a good life, enjoy ourselves, and appreciate the parts of our life that we wouldn’t have if we have children. That latter part is the hard bit often. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we are rejoicing we don’t have children, and it doesn’t mean we didn’t really want them. It’s that guilt thing again. It is not a betrayal to accept the life I have, and make the most of it. I mean, what choice is there? And isn’t it better to be happy than sad?
Of course, none of this happened over night – for me, or I suspect for any of the women who have gone through this. It takes time. But yes, even for those disbelievers out there swearing at me right now, it is possible. And it’s good. Acceptance means that the burden of guilt, the burden of sadness, the burden of wanting what you don’t have, all that is gone. And there is a real freedom in that.