02 December, 2011

Ten Years

In commenting on another post about their month of remembrance and sadness, I realised December had arrived, my own month of memories.  I realised that it was at this time that I found I was pregnant for the first time.  I was in Manila on a business trip, and calculated that I was late.  I had been as regular as clockwork.  In fact, by the end of the day my period was due, I suspected something was up.  I stopped over in Singapore for the weekend with family, and put it to the back of my mind.  When I finally got home, I plucked up courage to go buy my first ever pregnancy test.

By that stage we had been trying for almost two years.  I travelled a lot for work so being in the right place at the right time wasn’t really working for us.  I hadn’t really been stressing about it, though I was feeling a little sad as I suspected it wasn’t going to happen.

I remember seeing the line come up.  I walked downstairs and showed my husband.  I remember sitting down, in shock, not knowing what to think.  I remember my husband sending me flowers the next day at work, and a few days later being particularly innovative about managing the “why I wasn’t drinking” stories at some functions I attended.  But it had no sooner sunk in that I was pregnant than I started bleeding.  My wonderful GP acknowledged I’d probably had a miscarriage, but insisted on testing my hCG levels to ensure it was exactly that – a miscarriage.  Of course, it wasn’t.  I do wish all GPs exercised her caution – there would be fewer deaths from ectopic pregnancy, fewer emergency surgeries and medical treatment, fewer women traumatised by coming face to face with their own mortality. 

I look back today, and realise it has been ten years since that first BFP.  It seems like yesterday; it seems like a lifetime ago.


  1. I'm sorry... painful memories never really go away.

  2. Thanks guys. I'm actually fine - because it really does seem like a lifetime ago.
    But I really appreciate your thoughts.

  3. I am so sorry sweets.
    I send soft quiet and a space to breathe.

    Thinking of you and sending love