29 December, 2011

Speed wobbles?

I wobbled a bit today.  My husband was going to meet up with a former work colleague, who now lives overseas.  He visits every year or two, and always calls my husband to meet up.  I don’t know him well, but that doesn’t usually bother me.  This guy used to be my husband’s young workmate, he looked up to my husband, and I admit I occasionally wanted to take under my wing so I could spruce him up so he could find a woman!

But time has moved on, and he’s living overseas, married with two kids.  And for some reason this morning, I felt old, barren and fat.  And I couldn’t bear the thought of going and being polite about his two kids, meeting his young, fertile, no doubt slim wife.  So I sent my husband alone.

I haven’t felt like that for a long time.  With the benefit of years, I am so much better able to cope, and with the benefit of years, I am so much more in tune with myself, and my emotions..  And on reflection, I think my insecurity was/is related to a family issue that upset me, rather than my infertility.  After all, I managed to spend Christmas Day with three kids running around, and had a good time.   

Still, whilst it undeniably gets better, you do get the occasional slap in the face with a wet fish.  I had mine this morning.  By tonight, I’m determined it will be fried.


  1. dear Mali,
    have you read the book The Help? Or watched the movie? Anyway, I just wanted to say:
    "Remember: You is kind, you is smart, you is important!!" And you are beautiful! By my definition a person with beautiful soul is beautiful!

    I completely understand you that you didn't want to meet this guy with his picture perfect family. The three kids running around for Christmas Day were probably kids of people you are close to... and then this is completely different.

    This year I felt really good for Christmas, so I sent lots of personalized Merry Christmas cards. And now I am receiving back tons of feedback back, with follow up what happen to the distant colleagues' kids in the last year. And I do not want to know all the details about other people kids, really not. I am only interested in my 4 nieces and the children of my closest friends.

    Anyway, the lesson we all have learned so far: after each dark day there comes the sun. So I wish your sun will be there already tomorrow!


  2. slap that fish into the pan and fry it!!!

    I really hear you. Just when I think I am doing well with my reality (particularly after a great day with my friends kids), something comes along and make me feel all down and out comparing myself to people.

    I hope you are already feeling better.. but if not, the feeling will pass.

    Plus it is way different playing and having fun with kids than being polite about them. I think both children and I strongly prefer the former, and dread the later!

  3. You fillet that bastard (the fish). Some times you just need to to stay home

  4. Hugs! Those moments totally hit sometimes. Isn't it weird when it happens? Especially when you aren't expecting it.

    And yes, what you are feeling is just the now. And soon it will be something different. Everything changes and passes.

  5. Those moments hit harder for being unexpected. Hugs to you.

  6. Yeah, I can relate to the occasional slap of wet fish even though we've also "given up" on having kids. HUGE HUGS and here's to a fried fish!!! Oh...and have a blessed New Year!

  7. dear Mali,
    you are already in the year 2012... so Happy New Year!!!!

  8. One thing I love about you: You aren't afraid to share your humanity. You so easily get to the core of it.

    Happy new year, dear Mali...

  9. I hope the fish was fried, and enjoyed. I hope the 'now' is better.
    On an entirely personal, selfish note - thank you for writing about your wobbler. I now know I can aspire to being where you are, and that it is realistic to think I can get there. I throw wobblers about all sorts of things, and all aspects of my life (I like to think it's a sign of 'living life') and I could never have believed I would get there, if 'there' didn't include the occasional wobbler. So, thank you.
    More importantly, I hope the moment has passed.