Yesterday was Father's Day in New Zealand (and Australia, and maybe a few other places). Later we visited his father, who now lives alone. We had dinner with him and spent the the evening chatting. Of course, it is not a great day for my husband. I think some time ago I
mentioned to him that it should be his day. And he reminded me! So I
made him bacon and eggs for brunch, and ensured he had a relaxing day. He doesn't say much, but it is obvious that there are some days when what we have lost is hard for him.
Saturday was also the 16th anniversary of the due date of my last ectopic pregnancy. It's an odd thing to think about. Many years ago, I grieved the child who would have been 16 now had the pregnancy lasted. I grieved the parents we would have been. And if I allow myself to imagine the 16-year-old we might have had, I could grieve both the child and our life as parents all over again. But that life would have now been so different from my current reality, that it is hard to imagine.
Oh, sure, if I wanted to imagine it I could. But that's all it would be - imaginings. Painful imaginings. It seems pointless to put myself through that. Which is not to say that I don't do that from time to time. I don't think any of us can help doing that occasionally. But they are simply flickers of thoughts. Anything further would be ... I don't know ... indulgence? Self-flagellation? Still, sometimes I just need to acknowledge what would have been, and to acknowledge the passing of time.
I allow my mind to wander and imagine sometimes, wondering what would have been. But it's even harder to do that now that I'm divorced. I had a certain life planned for myself (married my best friend, bought a house, planned to have kids), but even if my plans had worked out, I don't think life would've gone as I had imagined. Not good, not bad, just different.
ReplyDeleteI'm a writer/artist, so I process, grieve, and imagine my could-have-beens creatively. Maybe it's indulgent, but I think it's also healing and empowering. For some reason, finding just the right word/image to express the loss helps me to accept it.
ReplyDeleteYou bring up a good point about finding the place that is not-dwelling on and also not-denying one's feelings. It sounds to me as though you found that balance.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing about the your husband's feelings on the loss of what would have been. In the blogosphere, we hear from the woman's point of view often, but not as much the man's. It's probably a more equal-opportunity set of emotions than it appears.
I'm glad you found a way to make your husband's Father's Day a little more special. <3 It's hard sometimes to realize so many years have passed, and how old our children would be...!
ReplyDeleteSometimes i drift away into the land of make-believe and others i come to a hard stop. Yesterday was the 1st day of school in my city and as i called my nieces, nephews and god-children who are all around the same age as my first child would have been, I couldn't keep myself from thinking about what yesterday might have looked like for us, the first day of pre-k for our little one. it would have been so different than what it was.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you... It's so hard when those anniversaries pop up and you can't help but think of alternate realities. Even if it's logically "not productive." Sending you hugs through the fiber.
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