07 April, 2020

No Kidding 2020 Project: Day 10 - Balance

One thing that I think we often lose when going through infertility is balance. It is easy to become obsessed – with our cycles, our daily temperatures, our medication and what we need to take next, and the will-it-won’t-it constant question. We’ve seen it a lot – people thinking that ending up like us – without children – is their “biggest nightmare.” We may well have thought that way ourselves. “What is the point of life” some/many of us ask, “without children?”

The lack of perspective, the lack of understanding that life goes on and can and will be good, can be overwhelming to many of us when cycle after cycle fails, or after loss, or loss after loss, or that phone just doesn’t ring. So many people who arrive at my blog, or yours, or on Instagram or elsewhere, are in that phase. Their life is over. No-one can tell them that it isn’t. We know that this sadness and despair doesn’t last. We do recover, at different speeds, and perhaps even to different extents. We know that joy in life returns.

At the beginning, when we might be feeling despair and utter loss, no-one can give us perspective. After loss, even if we might think “at least we can get pregnant,” but we don’t want anyone to say that to us! (I know I felt that intensely.) Platitudes from friends and family – all the other “at least” statements (at least the pregnancy wasn’t far along, at least you didn’t get to know the child, at least you haven’t faced loss, at least you can sleep in, etc etc) are unwelcome and insensitive. We are out of kilter, our lives are completely off-balance, and we are teetering in the middle of a plank over a stream, not sure what lies on the other side, reluctant to move forward, unable to move back, our arms flailing wildly. We can't find balance. But no-one else can give us balance either, even though they can help calm us, or let us know we can do it, and it will be okay. But no-one else can impose perspective on us. Even those of us who have been through it struggle to be heard. The newly bereaved might hear it, but say “not in my case, I’m different.” That’s okay. We’re giving them a message they might hear when they’re ready.

Gradually, perspective and balance does come to us. We start to see and feel the world around us. We understand that others react differently. We figure out that maybe those insensitive family and friends were trying to help, even though they only succeeded in hurting us. We compare our situations, and become sensitive to the pain of others. We stop playing the Pain Olympics in the negative, and start seeing comparison in a positive way. We understand things could be worse. We find gratitude. We begin to apply perspective. Because having been through tough times, and knowing now that the universe doesn’t give us everything we want, we know it could be worse.

And I think that is what is helping me through the current times. Balance, and perspective. It could be so much worse (in NZ at least). I’m healthy (so far), warm and dry in a house with plenty to keep my amused and active. Perspective and balance reduce anxiety, and make me feel calm (or calmer). I hope they work for you too.

Kia kaha. Stay strong.


  1. Yes, this is one of the reasons why I still blog.
    We’re giving them a message they might hear when they’re ready.

    Stay safe & healthy!



  2. So true, how the (im)balance changes as we move through the stages of grief and readjustment. And that no one can balance for us.

    And so important to know that perspective and balance do eventually come.

  3. Such good stuff -- balance and perspective. You're so right that these are things that don't come easy and are hard for the newly bereaved to see as possible. I remember the horrid imbalance in those last years and feeling like I could control the uncontrollable if I just tried harder (nope), and then the bizarre sweet relief of resolution I didn't think possible.

    Thank you for being that lighthouse. And I'm glad so far you're safe and healthy, may you stay that way!

  4. You're absolutely right... balance & perspective are so important. I think the keyword you've used here is "gradually." It doesn't happen overnight... but over time, some sense of it does return. (With regard to current events, I think we're all still grasping for those things right now...!) Hope you are hanging in there!