20 April, 2020

No Kidding 2020 Project: Day 11 - Dare

When we’re going through infertility, we are conditioned to have our eyes on the prize. We focus on that above all things, and don’t divert from the path. We’re told to “believe.” We’re told to “never give up.” We’re told that science will solve our problem. We’re told that our lives will be better when we get that prize, that oh-so-elusive baby. We stay on the treadmill, trying cycle after cycle, trying treatment after treatment, or waiting month after month for that phone call. So it often comes as a shock when we are either kicked off the treadmill, or fall off it, exhausted, or realise the treadmill has completely lost power.

Even when it is obvious that our efforts have not and will never bear fruit, so many find it hard to begin to look to the future. The idea that the future can be good, that we could be excited about it, is anathema to the messages we’ve been absorbing (and promulgating) for the last months/years/decades. Grieving is normal, and we should let ourselves feel that.

But one day, when we’re ready, when we’re strong enough, and if we’re brave, we challenge ourselves by wondering whether our lives can actually be happy? It feels so scary, to let go of the dream, and open up to the idea of an alternative future. We search out examples of people who’ve been through the same experience, and we begin to open up to the idea. This is the beginning of acceptance. Being brave. Shrugging off what hasn’t worked for us. Daring to be positive about our lives. Beginning to hope for something new. And the rewards are wonderful.


  1. This seems so relevant at this time, in so many ways.


  2. Such an important project! I look forward to learning more. (Looks like my previous comment attempts on Monday didn't go through -- my Google account has had gremlins!)

    I've had more than a few blog/IT related headaches the past few weeks moving 12+ years of blog posts/comments to a new server. I hope now that that administrative work is complete I can actually focus again on blog writing and reading. Much to catch up on -- I've missed you!!

    1. So nice to have you back, Pamela! Look forward to your new posts.

  3. It IS daring to go against the norm the way we have. And while we're not the first ones to do so, I think we're the first generation of women giving voice to this particular experience, writing and talking about it and what our lives are like, both the good and the bad. It's not always easy being a trailblazer, and I know we make a lot of people who aren't in our situation uncomfortable when we speak our truth. (Too bad! lol)

  4. "The idea that the future can be good, that we could be excited about it, is anathema to the messages we’ve been absorbing (and promulgating) for the last months/years/decades." I absolutely agree!

    Thank you for this series, Mali, I absolutely love it!