16 September, 2022

It wasn't meant to be

It is World Childless Week. Learn more about it and see all the other submissions on this topic here.

When I went through infertility, losses and childlessness, I learned that what comforts one person can feel like a dagger to the heart of another. Some people speak openly, others wish to be private, some want condolences and consideration, others don’t want to be treated any differently. We’re all individuals. There is no one answer, no one way to treat someone who is grieving or sad.

Unfortunately, others haven’t learned that lesson. Platitudes and cliches take pride of place in many people’s vocabulary. I live in New Zealand, where religion is usually something private, it is rarely in the public eye, and most people are not religious, or adhere only in a cultural sense,. I am not religious, neither are my friends or family.

I learned to discount judgemental comments when I was a Girl Guide (around 11 years old), when the leader asked me if I went to church. When I said I didn’t, she called me a wicked girl. I was not, I knew that. My family were good, kind members of the community. Putting others first was one of our primary rules. And at my school, the “Golden Rule” (“treat others as you would have them treat you”) was the first thing on the classroom blackboard at the beginning of the year, and stayed there for the five years I was there. My friends and their families did generally not go to church either, and they were good and kind too. I never doubted this.

It is not surprising, therefore, that I rarely encounter religious statements. (Except perhaps in the comments section of the Huffington Post, where an article I wrote about childlessness once ran. Beware the comments section, as they say!) This means that I’ve never had someone casually say to me, “it is all in god’s plan.” However, I have heard people say, “it wasn’t meant to be.” If you ask me, that’s just secular for “it’s all in god’s plan.” And neither statement is comforting. In fact, both are quite insulting if you think about it. Both statements imply that someone or something decided that I wasn’t meant to be a mother, and that the speaker agrees with that basic premise. The further implication being that this means that there has been some judgement about my suitability to be a mother.

These implications are patently illogical and false. Implying that I was never meant to be a mother must also mean that all of those who have ever been mothers were, in fact, meant to be mothers. That includes the neglectful, the cruel, the stupid, the unkind, the ill, the humorless, the dull, the controlling, and the abusive. I don’t accept that. Anyone who implies that their motherhood was somehow “meant” and therefore better, but mine wasn’t, is deliberately insulting me. It makes me feel judged by them, lose trust in them, move away from them.

Personally, I dismissed those ideas many years ago. I don’t accept them, and don’t believe them. They were the unwelcome answer to a question that I wasn’t asking, the question, “why?” Gertrude Stein said it best when she said (I’m paraphrasing) “There is no answer. There never was an answer. That is the answer.” I’m very comfortable with that, and I find it comforting, even liberating.

But it also makes me question why they people might say this. “It wasn’t meant to be.” Do they honestly think it will help me, or the recipient of these comments, to hear this? Telling someone their misfortune is all in God’s plan or that it was never meant to be is really telling them that you don’t want to hear their concerns. It dismisses their loss, their grief, their unhappiness, and the enormous efforts they may have made to try to become parents, or the future efforts they may have to make (or have already made) to claw themselves back to normality, to reach an acceptance of the life they hadn’t planned.

I think too often that these statements are made because they are easy, and they are final. It tells the recipient that you must just accept it, and there’s not too much to be said after that! It doesn’t begin a conversation, rather it ends one. But at least the speaker’s discomfort is abated. They’ve tried to appease the recipient, and they feel good about that. If the recipient isn’t talking about their situation, then the problem must no longer exist, right? And that absolves them of the need to explore the issue further.

What’s more, these statements impose their world view on the recipient, when they have not lived the life of the recipient. They’re not thinking about the person on the other end of these comments, on how they have made them feel. It’s all about the speaker, when it shouldn’t be. And it says so much more about them than it does about us.

I think that’s the problem. I wish people who spout these platitudes – religious or not – would consider that.



7 comments:

  1. You're right. "It wasn't meant to be" is something someone says to make themselves feel better, not the person they're talking to. It was said to me in the past and it always left me speechless. I haven't heard it in a long time, but now I am capable of replying, "Does that make *you* feel better?" I wonder what the response to my question would be. Of course, now that I have a reply ready, I will probably never be told that insensitive platitude again.

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    1. I really like the idea of saying, "does that make you feel better?" I want to adopt it, but also doubt I'll ever get the opportunity to use it now! lol

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  2. I am clapping for every.single.thing you say here.

    In my experience, "meant to be" and "god's will" come from people who don't want to feel big (and negative) feelings, who won't "go there" with me in my pain. Dismissive is the right word. Their capacity to "go there" is not big enough to actually sit with me in those overwhelming moments of grief.

    Thank you for putting such wise words to this. I think even god would not be pleased about all this crap being put on god.

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  3. This is beautiful. I always think that it's a copout to say "it wasn't meant to be" or "it's god's will." HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? It's an easy way to just brush someone else's pain to the side. I am fortunate that I haven't heard this in a very very long time, and I am pretty loud about making my feelings known about that particular brand of comment. I mean, my baby wasn't "meant to be" but people who murder or neglect or abuse their children had babies that were? BS. Nope. It's an easy brush off. Swoosh swoosh, move your inconvenient pain to the side. Grrr. Great post.

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  4. Love this, you have hit the nail on the head about the throwaway comments and platitudes people spout to just - I don’t know? Not stay silent? Think they’re being ‘helpful’ or ‘reading off a script’ as a dear friend mentioned to me recently when I said I was sick of all the ‘stay strong’ rhetoric I’ve been hearing recently that I’ve ranted about on my blog 😆 and it is scripted, isn’t it this sort of response, it’s because people don’t seem able to pause, hold what you’ve said, digest and really actively think about an appropriate response, they just use the tired old go-to script of the ‘gods plan’ or ‘wasn’t meant to be’ rhetoric instead.

    No idea why people do this, are they lazy? Uncomfortable? Smug? Condescending? Who knows - and I totally agree with you about people who had children who never cared for them because I used to work with those types of children whose early lives had been irrevocably damaged through no fault of their own.

    So glad I have always been a person who lives ‘far removed from any script’ except my own of course! 😉

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    1. You are definitely "off-script," my dear Lamb!

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  5. This is such a great post. Was tempted to highlight ALL of it, but if I must choose...... "These implications are patently illogical and false. Implying that I was never meant to be a mother must also mean that all of those who have ever been mothers were, in fact, meant to be mothers. That includes the neglectful, the cruel, the stupid, the unkind, the ill, the humorless, the dull, the controlling, and the abusive. I don’t accept that. Anyone who implies that their motherhood was somehow “meant” and therefore better, but mine wasn’t, is deliberately insulting me. It makes me feel judged by them, lose trust in them, move away from them." YES. As I briefly touched on in my post, God's Plan and the like can't only apply to a few when it's convenient. And, I'm so onboard with Phoenix's "Does that make you feel better?" Consider that one filed, loaded and ready!!

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