One of the most empowering things about healing and getting older is that I know that comments to us, or comments about being parents, or about us not being parents, tells me so much more about the person saying it than it does about me or my situation.
How people say they don’t understand without actually saying it:
- “Here, you can have my kids”
- “At least you get to sleep in on the weekend”
- “I wish I could travel like you”
- “You don’t know true love till you’re a mother”
- “Being a mother teaches you empathy”
- “You’ve never been tired until you’ve been a mother”
- “You could still adopt” when I’m already in my 50s
- “We’re empty-nesters, just the same as you”
- “I wouldn’t be the same person without my children”
- “I know how you feel”
- “As a mother …”
- “As the father of daughters, …”
All these comments have been said to me, or around me, or by public figures. I know others have heard worse. What they tell me is that the people speaking either don’t understand that our lives are different, and what therefore that might mean for us, or they don’t want to understand or accept that our lives are different, or maybe that they are incapable of understanding. Or they just don't care. And they don't realise how they expose themselves with their comments.
I want understanding, not pity.
Acknowledgement, not silence.
Awareness of my life - its gains and losses - not invisibility.
Equality, not condescension.
I love this post. What people used to say to me used to hurt so much. Now I know their comments are more about them and not about me. It figures though, that as soon as it stopped hurting, people stopped saying thoughtless things to me. Now I never get to use my witty retorts that I'm capable of thinking of in the moment, ha!
ReplyDeleteI'll never forget hanging out with a good friend and her group of "mom friends." One of them learned I didn't have any kids and asked if I wanted hers. I simply said, "No, I don't want your kids." And I guess no one was expecting me to say that because there was an awkward silence for a minute. Hahaha, oh well. That same woman also asked me to babysit, but I told her she wouldn't want to pay me what I charge: $50/hour plus transportation (she lived an hour away from me). She looked shocked, but maybe she shouldn't have insulted me with a job prospect more appropriate for a teenager.
I was cheering at the list you've made of quotes that show people don't get it. And then I cheered even more enthusiastically with your last four points of what you want. Brava, Mali.
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