01 May, 2023

The importance of connection as we age

Loribeth highlighted this article about the importance of networks as we age. (She’s so good at telling us about articles that make me think). This is, of course, particularly important for those of us who do not have children (or for those whose children do not live nearby or are estranged or busy etc), to ensure that we have ongoing connections in our lives. But it is also something we are, as a community, quite good at, precisely because we haven’t had children we rely on to provide comfort and assistance.

It noted that the pandemic was particularly hard on elderly people, who lost that face-to-face, day-to-day contact with a range of people that aids our well-being, whether it be the cheerful person making our coffee, or the packer at the supermarket who is always helpful, or the people at the gym or exercise class who chat as we change. Poor health also affects people of all ages getting out and about making human connections. Lacking those day-to-day interactions can be awfully isolating. Especially if we already feel isolated because we don't have children. Just seeing change in our local environments can feel isolating. Our local Post Shop (post office and small store) is closing. I never knew the two who run it really, but they knew me, and I knew them, over 20-30 years. Likewise, we miss our favourite brunch place, and the two men who owned and managed it. We had our regular chats, exchange of travel information, and gripes about silly people. They were part of our network, and I miss them.

Online friendships were acknowledged in the article, and I’m really glad about that. We’ve come a long way in the last 15-20 years! I remember back then hearing a contemporary of mine scoffing at the idea that people look for support online. “That’s just sad, isn’t it?” she said disbelievingly. I was appalled at her naivety. I knew from personal experience that internet friendships can be real, close, supportive relationships that can provide more support and nurturing than our real life relationships. They are an important way we connect with others, and are vital for our well-being if we can’t get out and meet others who share our experiences. Yet we also all know that they can’t pop over to help out if you’re sick, or meet for a coffee or a drink, or give you a hug if you are sad. And we can't give love in that way either. We’ve all said it on each other’s blogs or in messageboards or whatsapp or fbk groups etc etc. “If only we could be there to give you a hug!” And every time I say it, I mean it.

The article then mentioned a woman who started a group of “elder orphans” – people who don’t have spouses or children to depend on. Though I have a spouse, neither of us have younger relatives we are close to in this city. (There’s one – a cousin’s niece, but we don’t really know her). And if one of us isn’t here, then whichever of us is left will definitely be an elder orphan. I love this idea of forming a group. Social media makes it so easy to do these days. We can connect with people in the same locations, as well as online. I’m definitely going to bear it in mind.

I know I’ve written a lot of this before, though in slightly different contexts. I think I write these posts as much as a reminder for me to get out and about, as I do for you. Because I suspect you are all already better at this than I am! Being self-employed since my 40s hasn’t really helped me forge new relationships. Although it has helped me nurture the ones that might have disappeared. And I have plans – I just haven’t joined that photography group yet, or another book club, or found somewhere to volunteer (because I can’t commit to doing something weekly if I’m going to be travelling two months in, etc). But they’re all on my list of things to do sometime this year, or next! Anyone have any hints on how you make and keep connections?

4 comments:

  1. I desire so much alone time, but I also crave the connections you mention. I love the idea of zoom groups, book clubs, anything around a common interest. Now that I my children are no longer children, I no longer have access to connections that their activities once brought to me. It's all about me now, which is kinda lovely.

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  2. I almost always find it easiest to get to know people when I’m doing something with them. The shared activity or goal helps me overcome a lot of my self consciousness. Sometimes I meet a person I can just easily relate to but that’s not always easy. Keeping in touch is another kind of challenge but it’s often hard because I have so many things going on (or it feels that way to me). Also I’m an introvert so while I love finding kindred spirits, my desire for connection competes with my desire for solitude and simplicity. But I know from a few decades of experience being me that I need to regularly push my comfort zone.

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  3. Networks are important for allowing connection with other human beings. I’m finding as I age though I’m not really seeking out many new connections. Bizarrely I have had opportunities galore recently but I don’t know if I have any friendship energy left in the tank. I’m just finding being around even smaller groups of people exhausting - the questions people seem to endlessly ask are exhausting… even now here I am home alone on a Friday evening snuggled in bed with a book, the dog gently snoring next to me whilst the DH is working and I’m relieved I don’t have to ‘people’!
    I think recent experiences of being sick and realising it’s been a case of being left to get on with the business of being sick without much in the way of support aside from two or three friends and the DH has made me realise I’ve expended too much energy in pursuit of meaningful connections with others in the past and now I’d rather say ‘no’ and spend more quality time alone than with others and their agendas, suggestions, noise! So I’m actively disconnecting as opposed to connecting.
    That being said, I can cope with connections as long as they’re more based on a superficial level like common interests and where I can turn up, do my thing and leave.
    I know I sound like a curmudgeon! This is where I’m at right now and the introvert in me should probably push the boat out a bit more and paddle in the water!

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  4. (Belated!) Thanks for the shoutout! Making new connections/friends later in life is soooooo hard, especially being childless and not plugged into those parent/kid networks, where I think a lot of people make, if not friends, then certainly connections. I am certainly much better off in terms of online friends & connections ;) -- and yes, they ARE real friendships, even if/when they are sadly distant!

    One of the things I missed most when I was abruptly yanked away from my job of 26 years (and the office tower where I'd worked for almost as long) was those daily connections you mentioned -- the people at the places where I bought lunch & coffee and magazines and chocolate bars and lottery tickets; the women at the little salon where I got manicures & pedicures (coincidentally, it closed not long afterward!), etc. In some cases, I never knew their names, but they recognized me and in some cases would have my usual order ready even before I got through the lineup to the cash register. That's service!

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