Ageing without children: Self-motivation needed

I have been thinking a lot about ageing without children recently.So far, I've talked a good game, but haven't done very much. I need to work on my to-do list. I'm still young enough that I don't have to have done anything major just yet, but a recent conversation has inspired me to get cracking! Here's an update on previous posts:

Making a Will that I am relaxed about with still hasn't eventuated. We made Wills before our trip to Europe last year, and they are okay. We changed quite a few things, and had a number of deep conversations and made different decisions than ten years earlier. But it still feels a bit piecemeal. We really need to settle on something we can live with (or, more accurately, die with) for the next five or ten years. It's really hard when some members of our family don't need any money, and one or two others do. It's difficult too when we actually want to make a difference in the wider community, and in the medical research community, but can't really decide where or how. A quandary.

I know I need to think about a Power of Attorney. But aside from the Husband, I don't really want anyone else making decisions about me! I know that's not realistic, and I know I could write something like a living Will. But how likely is it that people will follow it? Sigh. Chalk it up as still on the list.

Downsizing our lives is much higher on my list now than it was a few years ago. There are a lot of things to do before we move - we have major maintenance to do, and want to finish off a few other jobs around the place. But it is something I'm much more aware of. I need to look around for where we might live, get an idea how we can downsize. Our current place is three-four bedrooms, and quite large. We've lived here since the 1990s, and whilst we've cleaned out quite a lot of things over the years that we no longer need or want (eg university papers, etc), there's a lot more that needs to be done. I did some decluttering last year, and felt good about it. So I'm hoping I can get into that some more this year too. But the frugality I was raised with, and my resultant need to keep things that might be useful in the future, means that I struggle a little with this.

On the bright side though, I'm not really acquiring new things, unless they are replacements. I'm wearing a T-shirt today that I just realised is over ten years old, and yet I think of it as relatively new. Sure, I have newer T-shirts. Yes, we want a new TV, and need new armchairs. But I don't feel the need to shop. I find that quite liberating. Yes, I like new things. Yes, I will buy new things if I need them, and get pleasure from that (if I can find something I like). And no, I don't want to be like my MIL who, in her late 60s, told me that at her age she shouldn't buy new things. She lived for another almost 30 years! But I'm not establishing myself or my house either. So I can be much more picky about what I spend money on, and what takes up space in my house. I like that. 

I think we will need an interim place - somewhere without stairs, and more manageable than a section on a hill with lots of greenery - for the next ten years. I'm starting to think about where that might be, and how we might live. We survived for three months in one bedroom apartments, but I think we need something slightly bigger. But we don't need a house this size. And we need to clean it out long before it becomes too hard. 

Ultimately, the plan is maybe to move into an assisted living facility. I've read some No Kidding bloggers who are horrified at the prospect. I'm not. (I think I can see another post coming about this.) Hopefully, we will still be able to afford to do that. Prices are rising rapidly, and our income is not. Trump-induced stock market falls do not help retirement savings! At the same time, we want to continue to travel. So we're being quite frugal in our day to day lives. I like to think that a few dollars saved on my groceries somehow compensates for a three month trip overseas! Yes, I'm delusional!

Finally, building my social network is slow. I'm socialising with friends regularly, but still haven't joined any groups to extend my friendship circle. Yep, like everything else, that's still on my list.

Please forgive the repetition. I think I use these posts as motivation to actually get things done! Let's hope it works.

Monday Miscellany: An Ageing without Children Version

I recently saw someone posting on an ageing without children forum talking about their health and fitness regime as a means of protection for their old age. This wasn't the first time I've seen the argument for taking care of our health and staying as fit as we can for as long as we can. It's a good message, except when it is seen as a solution for the issues those of us without children face when we are old. It's so short-sighted. We can do everything right, and still fall ill. My mother and my in-laws and several friends are examples of healthy living and good exercise, and still being affected by poor health. None of us have total control over that. Things happen. We need to be prepared ... before it is too late! It’s always a good reminder for me to think about the changes needed to my lifestyle, and the timing of these changes, to prepare for infirmity. Of course, Inertia is a huge force for so many of us. I’m particularly vulnerable to it, and to its brother, Procrastination! But we can’t afford to leave it too late. Don't stick your head in the sand and think you'll never get old or sick!

Also, here’s a gripe about the person boasting about her healthy lifestyle. She was effectively humble bragging. and by implying that this is a potential solution comes dangerously close to blaming those who do have health problems. The ignorance of this! So many of us who have been through infertility understand that this attitude is not only incorrect and unfair, but harmful. Did I say anything on the aforementioned forum? No, I didn’t want them to feel I was criticising them. But maybe I should.

In another conversation with a friend who is childfree (by choice), she was bemoaning her husband’s unwillingness to adopt new technologies. He barely uses a smartphone. He doesn’t have children to help him, and he needs to be able to adapt. I’m already appalled at the way government agencies think that technology is the solution to everything, ignoring the fact that many of those who are now retired have spent much of their lives without relying on technology. Learning new things isn’t always easy as you get older, and retaining that information is difficult. I watched my FIL, an early adopter with a personal computer in his house from the 1980s. But by the time he was in his late 80s and early 90s, he was forgetting how to use this technology, let alone being able to update his knowledge. Coupled with loss of sight, he was reliant on us. My friend’s husband risks being left behind, finding himself in even more distress than he already is when he sees friends constantly reach for their phones!

Again, I hear people say that having children keeps you young. Maybe it does – parents know what music their kids are listening to, maybe what websites they’re checking out, etc. But they are so much more aware of the passage of time too. Whereas I don’t have children reminding me how old and out of touch I am! But, as I’ve mentioned before here I’m sure, the parents I know also rely on their kids to teach them about new technology. They’re not very good at adapting to life online, which is both our reality now, and almost definitely our futures. I’m regularly called on by a friend to help her figure out what she wants to do. (I recently had to explain substack after younger people were recommending it to her. “It’s nothing that new,” I said. “Essentially it’s just a blogging platform.”) She makes me feel younger - she’s 10 years younger than me anyway – and more connected!

Any Ageing without Children issues raised around you lately?

Monday Miscellany: Another No Kidding Version

• I was chatting with an old friend yesterday (just to clarify, she is one I’ve known for 44 years, not an OLD friend, even though we are of course, both getting older), and mentioned I needed to write a post for this blog. She is also living a No Kidding life. She commented that for years, people would try to convince her to have children. That she needed to have kids so she would have someone to look after her in her old age. Aside from the obvious, that this is no guarantee of having care, she noted that this attitude is completely selfish. I totally agree. I’ve seen it in practice. There wasn’t always a lot of gratitude, the reliance on the children made the elderly feel very vulnerable. Whereas if plans had been made, and put into action, they would have actually had more control over their lives in their last years. Another reminder to us all.

• I’m again thinking about the carbon emissions of travel. We tend to go on longer trips, so that we have fewer long haul flights. I was thinking about Taylor Swift flying back and forth from Japan to see her boyfriend play some apparently-important game in the US. Then I thought of a family of teenagers and adults I know that is flying for four hours to Melbourne to see Taylor Swift’s concert. Then they fly home after only a day or two. It made me feel – if not wholesome, then at least much less guilty about international travel. Having children really does massively increase a person’s carbon footprint.

• So it’s getting real. I mentioned a while ago I have an essay included in an anthology that is coming out this year, called Otherhood. In fact, it’s just in a few months, in early May. Here’s a totally permitted sneak peek at the cover. I’ll give more information then, but I know they're publishing in paper and ebooks. There's an insta page - https://www.instagram.com/otherhood.book/ and I'm quoted in their first post there. It can also be found on Goodreads too, to add it to your to-read list.
  
  
• I love the blurb on the back. It encompasses us all, and emphasises the need for "a more inclusive conversation about what makes a fulfilling life."
  

 

 

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No Kidding absences

 A friend was telling me about a colleague's wife she goes walking with. The colleague and his wife are much older, and starting to think about where they will spend their final years. They have children, but they all live in other countries, at least one long haul flight away, so the parents know they need to sort things out themselves. 

As my friend (also Not Kidding) said to me, "so much for having kids to look after you in your old age." And yes, we laughed. 

I've just heard a man on the "Proud Parents" section on a radio show I listen to regularly. I roll my eyes a little at the name of the section, and the existence for it, but although I've only heard it twice, each time it has been a proud father talking about daughters, daughters who live on the other side of the world. You can hear that they miss having their children near them. 

Still, if those parents needed their children, you can be pretty sure they would be on the first flight home. And the elderly couple can delay making a decision about where to live, because they have the back up of their children, even though they are far flung. They want to leave the decision until they "have to," but don't realise that that will be too late. When you "have to" move, it means you're not capable of staying in your existing accommodation. Which means that you also may not be capable of organising or making the move itself. They have people who can help. We don't.

I'm not sure even parents with children who live far away ever understand quite how isolated and alone many of us feel. Sure, they feel the absence of the children in their lives, and that must be very hard. But do they understand the finality of the absences we feel? I wonder. 

Well ... that took a gloomy detour from what I had originally intended to write. Which was simply that we may have more in common with some parents than we realise. Except, of course, that too often, we don't.

Monday Miscellany: No Kidding Style

I listened – rather belatedly – to the Gateway Women Fireside Chat today, and it sparked a number of thoughts around the description of us as “radical,” which I’m going need to work through before I blog about it. (Watch this space). Initially though, I was pleased to hear the repeated intention to make things easier for those coming after us, to get conversations going, and to represent ourselves. That’s certainly the main reasons I still blog every week, and I know it also motivates my readers who also still blog. I don’t know how many new readers I have here, but I do know that every so often, someone emails me and asks a question or lets me know that I still reach new people. If all I’ve learned can someday help someone get through this, and look to their future with optimism not fear, then it is worth it. Blogging weekly gets harder as the number of commenters get fewer, of course. But for now, I’m still going!

I’ve noticed in some things I’ve been reading lately the use of the word natalism rather than pronatalism, with essentially the same meaning. I haven’t done a detailed search on this, or thought about the reasons yet, but initially I felt both more comfortable with the simplicity and acceptance of natalism, meaning that having children is the norm, and also offended, as if it removed all bias, which was supported by the “pro” in pronatalism, and is very evident in our societies. Hmmmm.

One of the reasons I love the Thursday Murder Club books, I’ve just realised, is that there is a group of friends who share many commonalities, and none of them are their children. Even though their children are part of their lives, they can talk about other things, those who don’t have children are not ostracised or condescended to, and whilst the children are acknowledged, they really only play peripheral parts in the book. Such a refreshing take on being elderly!

Finally, I’ve just learned that an essay I submitted will be included in an “anthology of essays by New Zealand writers that will give voice to a common experience that still feels taboo: not being a mother. Or at least, not in the traditional sense.” It should be published in early 2024, and I’ll give more details then. I’m pleased our voices will be represented.