People who hurt us: World Childless Week

I’m starting to think about World Childless Week 2023, and the topics that are up for discussion this year. There are the usual Moving Forwards, We are Worthy, and #Iamme categories. I've contributed to them a couple of times, and might do the #Iamme again this year too. I love these topics because different people comment every year, can remember that they are more than just being childless, and we can all be reminded that yes, we ARE worthy, and that we do move forwards regardless.

There is a category this year that I think is really interesting. It is a “Letter to the Person who Hurt Me the Most.” Writers are encouraged to release their anger, disbelief, confusion and rage. I’ve been living a No Kidding life for almost twenty years now, so my memories might have faded a little. But I realise that I’ve also been lucky. There is no one person who “ripped my childless heart apart.” Yes, I heard some unkind thoughtless comments over the years, and they have stayed with me, at times inspiring blogs. You may recognise some of these:

•  “You never had anything so you never lost anything.”
•  “Childless people don’t know what they’re missing. So my pregnancy loss is more painful than theirs.”
•  “Childless people’s lives don’t change.
• Childless people are superfluous.
• “What’s wrong with you?”
• “As a mother I …”
• “You need to hold someone else’s baby. The Chinese believe that will help you conceive.”
• “I don’t care if I have a miscarriage. I know I can always get pregnant again.”
• “No-one cares about travel photos, only family photos.”
• “You don’t care about the future because you don’t have kids?”
• “My wife never had any problems.”
• “Tough, that’s life!”

Actually, several of the above comments came from one person, ironically someone I will see in the next few weeks. I’m shrugging. I don’t expect that particular person to ever be more thoughtful. The one time I called them out (in an extremely mild way) resulted in an attack on me, and one of the comments above. So I don’t need to write a letter to them.

Also, actions speak louder than words. The parent friends who never/rarely invited me to babysit or to the kids’ birthday parties. The family member who said they would never acknowledge a theoretical adopted child as a member of the family, and acted accordingly. The family members who ignored our wishes and efforts and circumstances, but always made excuses for the bad behaviour of those who were parents in the family. The genealogists who marginalised us, and the older family members who implied we were irrelevant. The bloggers who wanted us silenced when we wanted to have our realities acknowledged and considered.

And then there were the things that were not said. Never being asked about how we felt. Never having the realities of our life acknowledged. Never being told they were sorry.

But I’ve gone over and over these comments, actions, and silences over twenty years, and don’t want to re-enter that world of anger and hurt. It’s not going to help me. But it might help you, or others who are not as distanced from the grieving periods. But there will be a lot of women and men who have been tremendously hurt, but have hidden that. They may have hidden their anger too. Maybe they’ve even suppressed it out of misperceived guilt. Maybe it has destroyed their confidence, silencing them. This could be a way to reclaim that. This could be a wonderful opportunity to get some things off your chest. You can do it anonymously too. I admit I’m looking forward to the writings in this category, as it could be cathartic. But I’m dreading it a little, too.

Have a look at the other topics in this year’s World Childless Week. Think about making a submission. I’m keen to see what people might come up with. I’m going to think some more on these issues - hopefully before the deadline of 27 August!